You Can Leave Now

Susanna is now well aware that climbing up on a chair and playing with stuff on the kitchen counter is not something she is allowed to do. She regularly climbs up to the counter and as soon as she sees me looking at her, says "Sidown pease. Dadu." (Sit down, please.... thank you.), which she has now heard me say numerous times. Well yesterday, she got a little more obnoxious... I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day when I heard a chair start to move across the floor in the kitchen. Now I've lived long enough to know that chairs don't move on their own (unless there's an earthquake or something), and I've observed my daughter long enough to know that moving chairs means trouble. So I walked into the kitchen and of course, Susanna was in the process of moving a chair over to the counter. She took one look at me, smiled as innocently as possible and said, "Bye-bye, Mommy!";-)

Cookies Are GOOD, Too

Susanna discovered a couple weeks ago that if she pulls a chair up to any counter, dresser, desk, etc., she can climb up and reach the things on top. The other morning, I was in the living room working on something and she wandered into the kitchen. I was pretty focused on what I was doing, so it took me a few minutes to realize that she was being very quiet. Which, as any mother can attest, almost always means the kid is up to no good. So I quickly hurried to the kitchen. The first thing I noticed was that a plate of Christmas cookies that had previously been on the counter was no longer there. The next thing I observed was that one of the drawers below the counter where the cookies had been was pulled out (hmmm... somebody used that as a step up). And then I saw Susanna, sitting on the floor with the plate which was now empty (it had only had two cookies left on it, so at least it wasn't a full plate!), holding the last quarter of a cookie in her hand. She looked up at me, grinned like all was as it should be, and said in her best Cookie Monster voice "Nummy Cookies, Mommy! Nummy Cookies!":-)

Sleep is GOOD

Well, I got that Christmas wish... and a week early at that! After getting progressively worse to the point that I thought I was going insane from sleep deprivation and frustration with this kid who was waking up every hour, I noticed one day that when Jacob was napping, if he started to wake up, he would suck on his fingers and put himself back to sleep...and it suddenly occurred to me that things had only started getting difficult at night when we had started using blanket sleepers. For those of you who are unfamiliar with that type of garment, it's basically a fleece bag with arms that is supposed to keep a baby warm without the risk of a blanket getting caught over their face and suffocating them. Nice, only they're a one-size fits all kinda thing so the arms are really long and cver Jacob's hands. Great, I thought, that will keep his hands warm. And, as it turns out, keep his fingers from getting to his mouth. Hence the constant waking and inability to go back to sleep. The first night we stopped using the blanket sleeper, he slept four hours straight. And the next night he was up to five, and then six, and as of last Sunday, has been doing 8 hour stretches! Now that starts between midnight and 1 am, so we're still working on the early part of the night, but hey, if I can have seven hours of uninterrupted slumber afterwards, I don't mind being up real late!:-) And needless to say, no more blanket sleepers for us! He may be cold but at least he's got a sane mother!:-) (and we just tuck his mattress now, so he's not even cold, for those who were momentarily worried.)

All I Want For Christmas Is A Good Night's Sleep!

Yes, yes, I know my previous entry was all about not focusing on the negative... and it's still true! But I would also still like to be able to sleep for longer than a couple hours at a time - for some reason, Jacob seems to be ignoring the idea that as babies grow ( and with them, their stomachs), they gradually sleep for longer stretches at a time. He has decided this week that actually, shorter stretches are more ideal... so the newborn who was sleeping 3-4 hours at a time is, as the first month draws to a close, now sleeping only 1.5-2 hours. At night only, of course. During the day, he is sometimes content to go more than 4 hours. Now I would be happy to feed him every 1.5 hours during the day if he would sleep 4.5 hours at night! But no... this kiddo is a night owl. And his mother, who is most decidedly NOT a night owl, is exhausted! Every night I find it harder and harder to get up, and every night I get more and more frustrated. Which brings me to something I've been wanting to post on for almost 2 weeks now.

If there is one thing that having two kids is teaching me, it is that I am not capable of getting through the day on my own. Or even the first 15 minutes of the day. Or, for that matter, even the waking moment. Sure, there were times even before I had any kids that I recognized my limitations and need for God's gracious help in a situation. But now I am constantly being forced to come to terms with the fact that I can't even handle something as simple as taking a shower or eating a bowl of cereal without His grace and strength. I am consistently needing to ask God for the strength just to get the next load in the laundry or dinner on the table. Or to get up out of bed and feed our crying baby when it is the last thing I want to do. I had been thinking about this after reading Psalm 33:13-22 :

"The LORD looks down from heaven; he sees all the children of man;
from where he sits enthroned he looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth,
he who fashions the hearts of them all and observes all their deeds.
The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength.
The war horse is a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue.
Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love,
that he may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine.*
Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and shield.
For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name.
Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you."

The same day I read that passage, I came across this helpful post by Kristin Chesemore about acknowledging God in even the most mundane moments of life. She says it so well (with the help of Charles Bridges) that I won't bother to try to summarize her thoughts - go read for yourself!

"Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed." (Psalm 34:5)

And now I need to go check the mail... yes, I realize that it's almost 10:30 at night and the mail has probably been there all day... so I'm a little behind on my daily tasks...:-)


*in my case, when I don't have a chance for undistracted devotions for days or weeks on end... see another helpful post from Kristin and her link to Donald Whitney's article for thoughts on devotions and the young mother - I found these to be very freeing! By the way, since I am lately linking to it quite frequently, may I take this opportunity to highly recommend Girl Talk, a blog by Carolyn Mahaney and her 3 adult daughters. There is a tonne of great stuff to be found there!

futurepastorswife has asked for an explanation of my comment in the previous entry about two kids being more than twice as busy as one... the reason it seems like more than just double the workload is that not only do you have the separate needs of two individual children to meet, you also have carry out those and other responsibilities in such a way that, well, both kids end up alive and well at the end of the day. I can't just up and go to the bathroom like I used to be able to do, leaving Susanna to play by herself for a minute - now I have to make sure before I go anywhere that Jacob is in a place where she can't sit on him, bite him or otherwise torment him while I'm out of the room. And that goes for anything I do that involves moving out of eyesight. And sometimes it's impossible to meet the needs of both kids at once - human beings were only given one set of hands! Add to that the sleep deprivation that comes with having a newborn (and the fact that my toddler only takes one nap a day, so I have to choose between sleeping then or taking care of the myriad of other responsibilities that are calling my name... and sleep almost always wins out against cleaning or cooking duties!), and caring for a toddler who is in to everything and regularly testing the limits becomes very hard to do in a patient and gracious manner... my temper flares up a lot more easily these days, and I've had to apologize more than once to Susanna for disciplining her in anger rather than in love...

All that said, I am not here to complain about the responsibilities I've been given to care for these two precious children... I was talking with another young mother of two in the nursing room at church yesterday about how easy it is to dwell on thoughts of "if I can just make it through this stage...": "If I can just make it till he sleeps through the night...", "If I can just get these kids out of diapers...", "If I can just survive their teenage years..." (we're not there yet, but that day will be here before we know it!). But not only do you end up despairing because every stage of life and childrearing has its specific difficulties (they sleep through the night only to want to be entertained all day long) - the day will never come (until heaven) when you will ever stop wishing away some hardship! - you also end up focusing so much on the negative aspects of the stage you're in and miss all the joys of that same stage... If all I ever think about right now is getting a full night's sleep, it will be hard for me to enjoy these precious weeks of having a child so helpless and needy that all he wants to do is be held and fed and stare at our faces - they learn to do a few things on their own and suddenly your lap is not quite the inviting place it used to be! Or for this other mother, it's that she doesn't ever get to sit in on the sermon because her son doesn't do well in the nursery (and we have so many small kids at our church that the nursery workers can't spend the whole service trying to quiet one screaming child while the others wreak havoc on each other!), but as she commented, Sunday morning in the nursing room is the one time of the week that she can give her second child an hour of her undivided attention, and those opportunities are few and far between with multiple small kids in the house! So her husband takes sermon notes for her and her son gets some special mommy time.

All that to say that yes, two kids is busy, busy, busy... but I wouldn't trade these two little gifts for all the "me time" in the world! May we always seek God's grace to be thankful for all the small blessings He gives us even in the midst of difficult circumstances, because not only does He deserve all our thanks, but a thankful and joyful attitude can make even the most trying days of life easier to bear!

I have more that I want to say about things I've been learning over the past few days, things that I might not be learning if life weren't so busy and sleep so rare, but I'll save it for the next post because this one is getting long.

Well, today is the first relatively productive day I've had in about two and a half weeks, so I think it's time I sat down and did a little blogging, seeing as the kitchen floor is clean, the laundry is done (until the next time Jacob chooses to projectile vomit all over our bed), two batches of Christmas cookies are ready for the freezer (with a few left out for pre-Christmas munching, of course!), Susanna is freshly bathed and fast asleep in her bed and Jacob is lying in my lap, contentedly staring up at the black-and-white tile pattern on the ceiling... I can think of plenty more things that need to be done, but tomorrow is another day, and I'm not supposed to overwork myself until the doctor gives me the okay:-)

So long-story-short, I ended up having to be induced (and judging by the 5 hours it took for the pitocin to actually get things going, I'm not sure this kiddo was planning an exit anytime soon anyway), but that aside, things went as I had hoped - no epidural this time (I'm not against other people having them, if that's their thing, but I had really been wanting to go without the drugs this time), water broke on its own, so the doctor didn't have to use the hook, and once things got going, Jacob only took a little more than 3 hours to enter the world... my first thought upon seeing him was that he looks like his sister, which everyone else has commented on, too (with no prompting from me:-)), so I'm guessing it's true... many thanks to my mother and mother-in-law, who were there the whole time for support, and especially to my wonderful husband, who, despite his aching arms, spent hours massaging my back, thereby making the pain bearable (or more so, anyway:-))! This was definitely a different experience than labour with Susanna - I had to have an epidural with her, and so there wasn't really anything for Nathan or the parents to do other than sit and be spectators and bring me the occasional popsicle from the hospital freezer. And I have to say, it was nice to be able to stand up and move around shortly afterward, since I could actually feel my legs this time. Anyway, I'm not going to get off on any anti-drug rant - I'll admit that I have a high pain tolerance (and even at that, it was darn painful!) - but I would like to say that if you can do without the pain meds, it's an incredible experience!

I would also like to say that it looks like God has chosen to bless us with another calm, content, relatively easy baby... I was guessing that after an easy first baby, we were about to get a wild child, but I actually think Jacob is more laid back than his sister... we've taken to calling him Goat Boy (affectionately, of course), because he rarely ever cries at full throttle (for the first few days, we weren't even sure he knew how!:-))... he just kind of bleats like a little goat when he's not happy. Susanna loves him to bits, which is great, and also means that we are constantly having to pull her away from him and explain that while it is nice that she wants to kiss her little brother, he doesn't like having her face constantly shoved into him... ;-) she is not quite the perfect older sister, though... yesterday, Nathan turned around to find her chomping on his little leg - left a nice little ring of welts (fortunately, she didn't break the skin)... needless to say, that one got her a sound spanking!

Anyway, maybe I'll be up to more frequent blogging soon... though 2 kids is definitely more than twice as busy as one and I've got a few Christmas projects to get done (only 23 more days!)... at least now you know I'm still alive...

Jacob Nathaniel Fullerton has finally arrived!

Born November 16, he weighed in at 8 lbs 9 oz (same as Susanna) and is 19 inches long... may have some reddish tint to his hair, but we'll have to wait and see. We're all doing well, if a little tired:-) I'll have more to post later, but wanted to post that news so you all know why my posts will be few and far between for the next little while:-)

On Trust and Patience

Well, here it is, 4:00 am, and I am up, sitting at the computer, adding a new blog entry. What, you might ask, am I doing wide awake in the wee hours of the morning? And where have I been for the past two weeks? No, there is not yet a screaming infant keeping me up at odd hours... although it is hoped that the cause of this morning's wakefulness will soon bring him into the world - in the past two weeks, I have had many a sleepless (or almost so) night brought about by the early pains of labour. Generally, I wake up in some degree of pain at 2 or 3 am, and the first thought to cross my mind is "Is this IT?" after which it is very difficult to fall back asleep because my mind starts racing, and counting, and eagerly hoping... eventually, fatigue forces me back to bed, and when I wake up in the morning, things have died down and I find myself disappointed again. This has been two weeks of increasing realization of the sins of distrust and pride working in my heart... every time the labour pains start, my hope and expectation rises, and every time they weaken and then cease, my immediate reaction is to become frustrated with God because He has once again not seen fit to answer my prayers for the speedy birth of this child.

For the first few days, I was subconsciously questioning whether God was even hearing my prayers... assuming that I knew when the best time would be for this child to arrive, I got frustrated and even downright angry when God didn't seem to agree with me. Some days seemed better than others - like the day after I had only managed to get 30 minutes of sleep all night, when I figured that God was being merciful in not allowing labour to commence when I was so exhausted to begin with. Or when I heard that one of the potential emergency caregivers for Susanna suspected that her daughter might have the chicken pox, and I felt spared from the possibility of exposing my newborn to the pox. Or when Nathan's boss informed him on Monday that they were going to give him an unexpected 2 days of paid vacation when the baby arrived - thank you Lord that I didn't have this baby before that when we might have had to take a financial hit for Nathan to be around those first few days... But really, this did not produce true trust in me - I could only "trust" if I saw some reasonable reason for God to have delayed an answer to my prayers.

As I moved into the second week of rising and falling hopes, I ceased to question God's hearing of my prayers and began to accuse Him of playing games with me... one particular day when I was feeling pretty discouraged, I began to pray that in His mercy, He might even bring about labour at that moment... around the same time, the contractions started up again, this time stronger than they had been previously. My first thought was, "Hey, maybe God is answering my prayer already", but no sooner was that thought had and I began to think, "You know, this is going to end up like all the other times... things will fizzle out and I'll still be waiting... how cruel of God to make a pretense of answering immediately..." And then when things did die down, I felt justified in my accusation. How untrusting and wary of the Father's love and goodness I have been! How arrogant to think that I know what is best far better than Sovereign God! How faithless to call His sovereignty into question!

And yet, how faithful He has been, in the midst of my faithlessness, to show me His goodness even in the minor details like the ones I mentioned above, to gently expose my sin, to call me to repentence, to grant me greater faith and the patience to wait for His good, pleasing and perfect will to be done! How faithfully He has continually shown me Scripture to convict and give hope:

"Refrain from anger and forsake wrath; fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land." (Ps. 37:8, 9)
"The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry... When the righteous cry for help the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." (Ps. 34: 15-18)
"Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love, that he may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let you steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you." (Ps. 33:20-22)
"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation... Awesome is God from his sanctuary, the God of Israel - he is the one who gives power and strength to his people. Blessed be God!" (Ps. 68: 19, 35)
"Bless our God, O peoples; let the sound of his praise be heard, who has kept our soul among the living and has not let our feet slip. For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs; you let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance." (Ps. 66:8-12)

"How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house, and you give them drink from the river of your delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light. Oh, continue your steadfast love to those who know you, and your righteousness to the upright of heart!" (Ps. 36:7-10)

I have also been reminded that the Cross must be much more precious to me than what birthdate God chooses for my child. It is so easy to get caught up in these light and momentary troubles and forget that not only these minor sufferings and pains, but even major, life-altering trials must not draw our attention away from the fact that regardless of how much life goes the way we planned, regardless of whether we get an "easy" life or a "difficult" one, God has given us the ultimate good gift in Christ Jesus. How can we doubt His love for us and faithfulness to us when He has been pleased to crush His own son for our iniquities, that we might be counted righteous in Christ even as doubters who rail against God for His supposed injustice to us?! Praise be to God for His indescribable mercy!

So here I am, at 5:15 now, still awake and yes, still hopeful that this will be IT, but even as my eagerness grows as the contractions grow closer together, my hope must not be in this being IT, but in the Father who delights to give good gifts to His children in His perfect timing, and if today is not the day, may I still go into it with rejoicing that He has kept my feet from slipping and saved me from His wrath by the precious blood of His son!

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

Though Satan should buffet, though trials shall come
Let this bless’d assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And has shed his own blood for my soul

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole
Was nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul
- Horatio G Spafford

On Anxiety

I went to the doctor yesterday for my regular check-up and everything looked good (he IS head-down, which was a concern for a few weeks there), except that the baby's heartbeat was a little lower than it has previously been, and on the low end of average, so the doctor ordered a nonstress test (NST), where they monitor the baby's heartrate and movement for 20 minutes to make sure that the heartra
te goes up when he moves and stays steady when he's not moving. Anyway, I had to sit there for 20 minutes listening to his little heart beat away and click on this button everytime he moved. He passed the test just fine, so the doctor said everything should be okay, but I have to keep a regular check on his kick count (how much he moves in an hour) and go straight to the hospital if it seems irregularly low to me... Of course, the odds are, given his good reaction to the NST, and the fact that he is generally very active, that all is just fine and he just happens to have a slightly lower-than-average heartrate (but still in a normal range), which could indicate that he's on the larger side. But my immediate reaction is to start thinking of all the worst possible scenarios and fear for his life and health and generally become paranoid... Which got me to thinking about a sermon I listened to Monday night that C.J. Mahaney preached during that Washington D.C. sniper stuff a couple years ago... the topic was fear (his church is in the D.C. area) and he was preaching from Psalm 27: "The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?...", as well as Matthew 10:26-33 where Jesus says we are not to fear those who kill the body, but rather the one who can destroy both body and soul in hell, and then goes on to talk about the Father caring for the sparrows and knowing the number of hairs on our head. His point about fearing because of not trusting God's complete sovereignty and providence in our lives was convicting enough before the doctor's appointment! I don't have time to outline all the really good and helpful points he makes in this sermon, but it's a good one, so if you have time, it's well worth a listen...

Also well worth a read on the subject of anxiety, this time specifically in relation to motherhood is this little article by Kristin Chesemore, which I first read sometime last week... Seems to me that God had my reading and listening to these resources well-timed with this last doctor's appointment!:-) So today I've been praying that I would not be finding my comfort in the fact that the medical tests seem to show that all is well, or that the last 24 hours of kick counts have shown him to be as active as ever, but rather in the fact that through Christ, I need no longer live in terror of him who can destroy not only the body but also the soul, and that God is completely sovereign over the life and health of this little boy in my womb, and is working all things for His glory and our good! "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock." (Isaiah 26: 3,4)

By the way, the pumpkin on the previous post was masterfully carved by my husband last Reformation Day.

Interesting discussion on Christians' involvement in Halloween going on here. Of course, if you want to add a comment, you'll have to have a Xanga account, but even if you don't, it's interesting reading (and you could always add a comment here).

Raisins, Crazy Kids and Puddle Pictures

Well, the raisin bread, delicious as it was and as much of it as I ate, seems to have done nothing for my weight gain, seeing as I actually lost a bit this week, so now we are trying oatmeal raisin cookies (can you tell I'm on a bit of a raisin kick lately?). Of course, it's possible that I don't even have a week left to gain anymore... not that I'm getting my hopes up. If the last two doctor's appointments are any indication, I'll probably end up going past my due date. Oh well... I'm not quite so anxious to have an early delivery this time around... I've got a crazy 19 month old to keep me plenty occupied. And she really has been crazy lately... She's really starting to babble (the kind where they string a whole bunch of sounds together with an intonation that suggests that you really should be able to understand them, but really you only catch one recognizable word, if that!) and now she wanders (or runs, depending on her energy level) around the house saying things only she can understand and then stopping to do a little dance... or shutting her eyes really tight, stretching out her arms and making odd little movements with her fingers with a weird grin on her face... or running into walls... or carting full Juicy Juice containers around the house and leaving them in the middle of the living room (while saying apuldidi "apple juice", which, if she's excited, comes out apuldididididididi). Yeah, she's a little bundle of energy... I'm starting to wonder if she hasn't stolen all of ours, seeing as Nathan's been sick this week and slept most of today, and I'm pretty tired myself...

On another note, I took my daily walk this morning in the park behind our house, which has been a construction zone the past few months, and for the first time in a long while, was able to do so without having to circumvent at least one truck or large hole in the ground... they just poured the final layer of asphalt on Wednesday, so it's still jet-black and smooth and last night's rain was sitting in shallow little puddles all over it... the sun was coming out just as I starting walking and reflecting off all those little pools of water... It's been quite sometime (maybe even since we lived in Toronto) since I've been walking on a surface smooth enough to give a decent reflection (if you ever saw the old path around Shelby Park, "smooth" was about the last word you'd use to describe it). I was remembering how I used to love to watch the ground when walking after a rain shower because I loved seeing all the "puddle pictures". And at this time of year, when the leaves are starting to change, I particularly enjoy looking at all the reds and oranges and yellows reflecting off the pavement. Today's puddle pictures were particularly beautiful because the colours of the leaves against a bright blue sky contrasted starkly with the black of the newly poured asphalt, and they brought Psalm 19 to mind: "The heavens declare the glory of God, the sky above (as well as the one in the puddles) proclaims his handiwork..." May we be reminded of our great Creator when we observe His incredible handiwork in all the minute details of the world we live in...

Unfortunately, after a few laps of enjoying the puddles, the guys who had previously been spreading grass seed decided it was time to spread straw over the seeds, and the park rapidly began to smell like a barnyard... At which point, after a few minutes of griping to myself, it occurred to me that such a smell was the same which adorned our Saviour's first bed... "though he was in the form of God, [he] did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men..." (Philippians 2:5-10). May we be reminded of the depth to which our great Creator stooped to save us when we experience the filth and stench of the world we live in... And in both cases, be it beauty or ugliness that points us to Him, let us lift our hearts to praise our Creator, Sustainer and Deliverer...

Legal Inconsistencies

Yes, I know it's Saturday, but I thought I'd be a little unpredictable and post something today. I was doing a little research yesterday as I'm working on getting our wills together, and came across this little part of Kentucky's Intestate Succession Law (the rules on who gets your stuff in what order if you don't leave a will or all your named beneficiaries are dead) that caught my attention:

"A child of a decedent, born within 10 months after the decedent's death, is still eligible to inherit from the decedent. For intestate succession purposes, the child is considered to have been alive at the time of the decedent's death."

Did you catch that? If a guy gets his wife pregnant and is killed in a car crash that very night (the child then being born 9 months after his death, within the 10 month limitation), estate law says the child was alive and his heir at the time of his death (read: at the time of the child's conception). Hmmm... sounds like that newly conceived embryo is human afterall. How then do we go about making a law that it's fine to murder said human? Do I sense a little inconsistency here? (And who wants to bet that any pro-abortion person who found out they had been the child in such circumstances wouldn't want to collect that inheritance?)

Disconnected Thoughts

Mmmmm... the smell of homemade raisin bread almost finished baking is wafting in from the kitchen. I've crossed all but one thing off my to-do list for this week. Except for bringing the porta-crib up from the basement into our bedroom (and the normal weekly cleaning and shopping), everything is about ready for baby. So I'm feeling relaxed and ready to do a little xanga-ing this evening... just a sec, gotta go check on the bread... okay, I'm back... good thing I went to check on it - the top was starting to get just a wee bit on the dark side... now I just have to let it cool for a couple minutes before I take another break to go get a piece :)

This has been quite the busy week, so it's nice to have a little break tonight. Some friends of ours had her baby last weekend and we watched their toddler for them while they were at the hospital... Fortunately, Susanna and their little girl get along really well (all things considered), but I just have to say: kudos to anyone with twins! We had to make a Walmart trip with the two of them, and, well, I have to admit that it went better than I had expected, but it was still an "adventure". We had one of those carts with the extra plastic kiddy-seat attached to the back, so not only were we toting around two kids who kept trying to steal each other's sippy cups and poke each other's eyes out, but we had a double-long cart to maneuver around Walmart on a Saturday afternoon (read: busy place!)... I've got to say, Sam's has a much better idea with those carts that have two seats up top instead of the traditional one. Maybe next time, I could borrow one of theirs and wheel it over to Walmart ;) Anyway, I suppose in a couple weeks (or possibly days, although I'm not getting my hopes up), this will be my Walmart experience on a weekly basis... note to self: block out an extra hour of time for shopping and enough money for a chocolate pick-me-up at the end! :) Okay, break for slice of bread...

Mmmm... yummy... I think this might be a good way for me to gain those extra pounds the nurse keeps looking for at my appointments, 'cause I'm probably going to have to go back for a second helping... ;)

Question (which, incidentally, has nothing to do with any of the previous remarks or trains of thoughts): In Acts 10, which is the story of Peter being sent to take the gospel to (the gentile) Cornelius, verse 4 says that an angel appeared to Cornelius with the words, "Your prayers and your alms have ascended as a memorial before God," and therefore (taking the "therefore" from verse 32 where this is repeated), he should send for Peter so that the Gospel can be proclaimed to him. And then Peter, when he arrives, states in verses 34-5, "Truly I understand that God shows no partiality, but in every nation anyone who fears him and does what is right is acceptable to him." Now I know that we are to understand Scripture in light of Scripture, and we know from the rest of Scripture that salvation is through faith alone, by grace alone, and not by works. So how do we explain this passage in light of that truth, because the statements here seem to indicate that Cornelius gets to hear the Gospel because he is righteous and devout (i.e., because he has lived a life of good works). Has anyone heard a good explanation of this?

False Pretenses

Yeah, well, it's a good thing I didn't promise to post again before the week was up, seeing as we're around to Friday again with no extra entries in between. I've been busy cleaning every spare corner of our house (honestly, what madness is this that gets into a woman in the last month of pregnancy when she's supposed to be resting from hard physical labour??!) Okay, so I haven't cleaned EVERY spare corner... yet... but unless Tookie is earlier than I expect, I've still got at least 2 weeks to get the rest of them done... Among my various accomplishments this week: we finally have some pictures up on the walls (something it's taken me 5 months to do)... well, at least we have pictures up on one wall. But hey, that's not bad considering the previous rate of picture-hanging! :) You can also see the surface of our dresser... as in the whole surface! Nevermind that the floor looks like a tornado has been through it... I'm cleaning from the top down, and down is for next week.

I've started reading through Acts this week, too, partially because Nathan and I have been trying to better understand the Holy Spirit's work in the Church (so I figured the history of the early church would be a good place to start), and also because for some reason unknown to me, it's the book in the New Testament that I'm least familiar with (except maybe Jude). I've also been listening to a sermon series on Acts as I read through it... I read the story of Ananaias and Sapphira in Acts 5 the other day, and this afternoon, got around to listening to the sermon relating to said passage... I've only ever really thought of the application of that passage, as it follows from the context at the end of chapter 4, as being that we ought not to claim anything as our own possession but rather to view all that we've been given as a gift from God to be used in the service of His Church, and that we dare not make false pretenses of being more generous than we actually are. Which is all true, and convicting in its own right, but C.J. Mahaney extends that false pretense application to all areas of our lives... the sin committed by Ananaias and his wife was one of making themselves out to be more spiritual than they actually were, in order, perhaps, to look as good as Barnabas (Acts 4: 36,37), which is something that is an almost daily temptation, probably for most of us. I know I struggle with it in the area of "being involved"... I look at people (often singles, but not necessarily so) who seem to be involved in every ministry the church carries out, as well as a stack of other personal ministries, and suddenly I feel like I need to make a detailed list, for myself and anyone who wants to listen, of all the little things I do that make me look "busy for God"... I'm not content to be seen for what I am - a mother of a small child with another strapped around her waist 24/7 who does what she can to take care of her home and family and with the remaining time is involved regularly in a very few and not very visible other ministries. I want to look like Superwoman, and if I think anyone might question my "lack" of involvement, I feel this tremendous need to defend my reputation and show off any accomplishment I can think of, even if it means exaggerating. And yet for such a lie, Ananaias and Sapphira were executed on the spot (and not under the covenant of law either!).

God, be merciful to me,
On Thy grace I rest my plea;
Plenteous in compassion Thou,
Blot out my transgressions now;
Wash me, make me pure within,
Cleanse, O cleanse me from my sin.

My transgressions I confess,
Grief and guilt my soul oppress;
I have sinned against Thy grace
And provoked Thee to Thy face;
I confess Thy judgment just,
Speechless, I Thy mercy trust.

I am evil, born in sin;
Thou desirest truth within.
Thou alone my Savior art,
Teach Thy wisdom to my heart;
Make me pure, Thy grace bestow,
Wash me whiter than the snow.

Broken, humbled to the dust
By Thy wrath and judgment just,
Let my contrite heart rejoice
And in gladness hear Thy voice;
From my sins O hide Thy face,
Blot them out in boundless grace.

Gracious God, my heart renew,
Make my spirit right and true;
Cast me not away from Thee,
Let Thy Spirit dwell in me;
Thy salvation’s joy impart,
Steadfast make my willing heart.

Sinners then shall learn from me
And return, O God, to Thee;
Savior, all my guilt remove,
And my tongue shall sing Thy love;
Touch my silent lips, O Lord,
And my mouth shall praise accord.

- The Psalter (1912)

[more recently recorded by Jars of Clay, which, as Nathan can attest, is a CD I am in the process of quickly wearing out]

First off, I would just like to say that I'm excited to see so many new Immanuel bloggers this week... the trend is FINALLY taking off! Maybe that will provide greater incentive for me to xanga more regularly (note the creation of a new English verb in that sentence). I've certainly been checking my blogrings more regularly this week, and now I feel compelled to post something (It is also Friday, which is quickly becoming my regular posting day)...

 

Hmmm, you know, the problem with only having sufficient time to post once a week is that by the time Friday night rolls around, I have forgotten half of what I wanted to post earlier in the week and the other half is just a big jumbled pile in my brain... I'm about to try to untangle it, so bear with me :)

 

Oh, here's one thing... Anyone else had major customer service issues with AOL? Except for my E-machines comment (which I repented of when we bought another one of their computers), I don't normally like to publish negative comments about specific companies, but AOL takes the cake this week (in my book, anyway) for really poor customer service. I called them a week ago to cancel our account (before the free period was up, because we have broadband now and it's far superior to AOL dial-up, which we only had so we could connect to the Internet immediately after we bought the new computer... I was just so anxious to check up on my xanga buddies). Long story short and some spiel about anti-virus protection later, the guy refused to cancel our account and instead extended the free period for 3 more months. I didn't want the extention because we never ever use AOL anymore and the last thing I want to try to remember with a new baby in the house is to cancel AOL before Dec. 23. So after they charged us for some feature we have never used, I called back again to cancel the account. Again, same spiel about anti-virus protection and the guy (a different one) says, "I can't let you cancel your account before the free period is up because I think once you check out our security features, you'll see how valuable they are." So this time, I say, "No, I would like you to cancel our account immediately." And as if he hadn't heard me, he says, "Okay, so if you decide you really want to cancel, just make sure you call back before Dec. 23! Have a nice day!" and hangs up. Hello??!! I said, "Cancel it now!" Well, I figured, maybe I'm just too gentle. I'll wait till Nathan comes home and he can play hardball with them. So when he got home, he called to cancel our account (3rd time now). Well, the guy (yet another one) gives him the spiel and refuses to cancel the account, at which point, after being very kind to the guy for the first part of the conversation, he actually had to get somewhat rude and remind him that his job was not to give us a spiel, but to service the customer. So finally, we got a cancellation confirmation number. Six requests later. Thanks, AOL. You've given me the chance to use the word "spiel" 4 times in one story. A personal record :)

 

On a much less aggravated note, I've been thinking and praying much more this week about what it really means to be "cross-centred". Nathan and I have decided to try again to read The Cross-Centered Life together (we got through the first chapter or two about 4 months ago, and that was it). Anyway, I've just been thinking about how easy it is for me to go through a day and get everything on my list completed and checked off, and not think twice about how the Cross applies to any of it. Devotions in the morning (preferably before Susanna wakes up, although lately I haven't been sleeping so well at night and consequently have been sleeping later in the morning). Okay, check. Now on to the rest of my list. Not only that, but how often do I actually really meditate on the Cross, on my sinfulness and need of it, and Christ's perfect sacrifice for and justification of me on it, even during my devotional time? If that is the central and most important truth in the Gospel (well, it is the Gospel!), why do I gravitate so easily to more complex and less immediately applicable side-issues? Or, for that matter, why do I so easily go through my days without thinking about truth any more deeply than such inane (relatively speaking) things as "Naps are good" and "Man, the kitchen floor desperately needs a good scrubbing!" (that one is generally closely followed by "Oh, but naps are so much better than clean kitchen floors") If I'm truly living cross-centred, there's still room to think about the wonderful nature of a nap, but it should make me meditate on the perfect rest from all our strivings that the Cross has won for us. And the incredible service Christ poured out for us there should make me desire to scrub the kitchen floor so as to serve my husband and child who share my home. And His unimaginable sacrifice at the Cross should make it seem like so much less a sacrifice to lay aside my own momentary ambitions to read my precious daughter a story. Lord, teach me to think in this way!

Well, I think I've written my fair share for tonight. I'm actually starting to feel a wee bit hungry (morning sickness has returned recently, although in a milder form than before), so I'd better eat something while my stomach wants it (the doctor wants me to try to gain a little bit more, which, I have to say, I'm not used to hearing from members of the medical profession!). Maybe I'll actually post something again before Friday, but no promises :)

Out of the Mouths of Infants

Another week gone by and time for another entry... Today is Day #2 of Susanna in the "big girl bed" and so far, so good... *crosses her fingers* We wanted to get her switched over before the new baby arrives, partially because that's what everyone advises (not timing big changes to occur at the same time as other big changes... wouldn't it be nice if we could always control that?!) and partially because I have no desire to spend the first several weeks of sleepless nights with a newborn wondering when my daughter is going to fall/climb out of her bed and come wake me up during one of my middle-of-the-night "naps"! So yesterday morning, we finally got the mattresses to go with the bedframe (twin bed with a trundle which we've pulled out about a foot and a half as a step up and also a fall-breaker if needed), and started her off in it for her afternoon nap. That went well enough that we had her sleep there last night, and she seems to be taking it well. I can't vouch for where she really slept today, but when I peeked in to check on her yesterday afternoon, she was asleep at one end of the bed with her head on the pillow and everything (I'm not actually sure what "and everything" means in that sentence... it just sounded good) She looks so tiny in that humongous (that word looks really odd to me, but I looked it up in the online dictionary and that is indeed how it's spelled) bed... hard to believe that we've got a one-and-a-half-year old who's out of the crib, learning to use a fork, spoon and "big girl cup", talking up a storm and acting more and more like a kid and less and less like a baby... It'll be a little strange getting used to having a newborn around the house again! But he'll be here before we know it... 6 weeks from tomorrow is his EDD (estimated due date)...

On Sunday, Susanna was sick with a cold, so I kept her out of nursery and had her with me at the back of the church service... As much as it is incredibly distracting and occasionally frustrating to have under your care a little person who has not yet learned the art of being quiet and sitting still, this particular time, she was rather amusing. As her basic vocabulary has been increasing, we recently started teaching her some basic "Christian words" such as "Bible", "Jesus", "God", "Lord", "pray" and "Amen". She learned pretty quickly that all of these things go together in some way... So anyway, she didn't want to sit down at all on Sunday and ended up standing in the aisle near my chair, and the whole time, anytime anyone prayed or gave some short meditation from the front, Susanna was sure to yell out "Amen!" and then start saying "Jesus! Lord! God!" and the occasional "happy!" Part of me wanted to keep her quiet, but more of me was just enjoying seeing her "participate" (hey, she was obviously listening as best she could to what was going on) and didn't want to discourage it in the least... During one of the songs, several people had their hands raised and Susanna must have noticed this because she was out in the aisle rocking back and forth on her feet with her hands up as high as she could reach, "singing" (we have to work on melodic lines). No joking. Where is that verse in the Psalms (I think) that says something like "out of the mouths of infants you have ordained praise"?

Anyway, I've really been enjoying having more opportunities for little talks about the Gospel with her, even though she can't yet understand everything, and I think that's been instrumental in the lifting of some of that icky apathy... That and trying to listen to sermons or worship music whenever I have some quieter moments, which I've discovered is a really good way for me to refocus my thoughts on God in the midst of the daily routine... I was actually trying to finish listening to a sermon I started this afternoon, while typing this entry, but wasn't hearing much of it, so now that I've got these thoughts out on the screen - I was going to say "on paper", but I suppose that's an almost obsolete place to put thoughts these days - I'll go back to some C.J. Mahaney on the Holy Spirit... and maybe I'll enjoy another chocolate chip cookie on your behalf while I do so Till next time...
Martha_Martha

Hodgepodge

Well, blogging may become a once-a-week thing from now on... I don't know where I ever found the time to post 3 or 4 or more times in a week! My guess is that it has a little something to do with the difference in caring for a 10 or 11 month old who can't walk yet and still naps twice a day, and supervising a very busy 18 month old who is down to a 2-hour nap (during which time, housework and sleeping take priority over trying to get my thoughts down on the web for public consumption!) Oh well... and I'm not complaining - most of the time, it's fun having a little person around who's able to interact and communicate in an increasingly comprehensible way and is starting to pick up on the things I do around the house and copy me! She helps unload the dishwasher (takes the silverware out and dumps it into the silverware drawer - don't worry, I grab the knives first before she gets to them!), pushes her noisy walking toy around when I'm pushing the vacuum around, and has been caught "plunging" the toilet She's also beginning to show that "little mother" instinct - EVERYTHING is her "baby", which means that she regularly holds random objects close, pats them and says "baby, baby!" I have to confess that as sweet as it is to see her do this, I'm a little worried about what she's going to do when there's a real baby around to pick up, feed and tickle (3 things I don't want to see her attempt!) Aside from increasingly frequent temper-tantrums (terrible twos, here we come!), she is also becoming increasingly sweeter... she LOVES to give hugs and kisses these days!

On a completely different note, my parents, who've been in town this week, left this morning and we had to say good-bye for a while (well, to my dad at least... my mom will be here for a couple weeks after the baby's born). They're moving to Germany on Monday, where my dad is teaching at a seminary and overseeing some church-planting efforts there. He's been teaching J-terms there for the past couple years, but now he's going full-time so they're moving. Kind of strange to think of them not being in Toronto, or for that matter, in North America, anymore... I don't think it's quite sunk in yet... Now all of our parents will be much more than a reasonable day's drive away. When I was younger, I might have thought that sounded pretty good (desires for independence and all), but whether it's just getting older, or related to having a family of our own now, I wish they lived closer than across the continent or across the ocean... If somebody'd told me that I'd feel this way at 25 when I was 15 or 16, I probably would have laughed in their face! Anyway, I do think it's pretty cool that my parents are willing to pick up and move to another continent and do something new after having already raised a family and lived in a relatively settled way for so many years... Who says you have to get all the adventure out of your system before you get married or have a family?

Well, I'm going to go make myself a cup of tea and wait for Nathan to come home from work while I relax and listen to this CD - I love hymns set to contemporary tunes/rhythms... Depth and beauty of lyrics not regularly found in modern praise songs (generality though, not the hard-and-fast rule), with a really good beat... I'm currently enjoying Jars of Clay's modern rendition of one of my favourites (It Is Well With My Soul). Okay, and that's it for this hodge-podge of a blog entry... see you next week

Martha_Martha Returns

I'm BAAAAAACK! A new computer (and I have to admit that it's another Emachine, but it was really affordable and everyone else we know who has one hasn't had any problems, so we're hoping we just had a dud...) and a couple weeks of hecticness later, I finally have a chance to post again... not that I have a whole lot to say tonight, other than to rejoice that we WERE able to recover our old harddrive (is that one word or two? it looks odd to me), so we didn't lose any of our photos or documents, and now that we've added the old hard drive (that looks weird, too - is it hyphenated? hard-drive? ) to the new computer, we have lots of memory... And also (long run-on sentence... the verb here still being "rejoice") that I just managed to unclog the toilet in the master bath that has been plugged for the past two or so weeks... Don't ask me how I did it, seeing as Nathan and I have both tried several other times with two different kinds of plungers and no success... I think it's actually a problem with the flushing mechanism on the toilet (it's always been a little finicky), seeing as it's gotten "clogged" before with nothing but urine (not even TP) in it! Anyway, lest I digress into the actual disgusting nature of this problem, I'll leave that topic well enough alone. I am just thankful to have a clean, working, 2nd bathroom in time for the arrival of my parents on Monday! (And, for that matter, just to have an extra working toilet... the roughly 3 lb little boy sitting on my bladder 24/7 is making that fixture an especially important one lately!)

Speaking of 3 lb little boys, we've only got 8 weeks till D-Day! Can't believe it's gone by this fast, although I have to admit that things are slowing down lately.... Why is it that the closer you get to the end, the farther away it seems? Maybe because I'M slowing down! Well, it's actually probably mostly that I'm just really looking forward to meeting this little guy and 8 weeks doesn't seem soon enough! Ah, well, I can hardly believe I have a one-and-a-half year old already, so I'm sure all of 6-9 weeks will, in retrospect, seem like no time at all! Want to know something that will surely brand me as some psychotic I-don't-know-what? I'm actually also kind of looking forward to the labour process itself... Don't ask me why... I'm not a sadist or anything!... I just find it kind of exciting... Now ask me about that after I've been through it again I'm also looking forward to having some emotions back (not the crazy I-just-gave-birth-and-my-hormones-have-gone-nuts kind of emotion, just the normal everyday kind). For some reason, I get really numb-feeling in the last trimester. First trimester = cry about EVERYTHING, Second trimester = relatively normal, Third trimester = what's a feeling? Life just seems blah to me lately (was that way with Susanna, too). I mean, I get vaguely excited about unclogged toilets, but really, don't much feel one way or the other about, well, anything. And as frustrating as that is, I don't feel anything particularly strongly even about not feeling anything... Get me out of Apathy Land! I'd rather feel crazy than nothing! Makes me feel spiritually dry like almost nothing else and makes life pretty boring, too!

Anyway, that's about as much posting time as I have if I want to get to bed at a decent hour (midnight being a "decent hour")... but now that we've got a working computer, hopefully I'll be posting a little more frequently! (at least until I've got two kids to occupy me... I make no promises about posting-frequency after the birth of Little Man!)

Checking In

Just a short post to let y'all know that I am, in fact, NOT buried under a pile of diaper laundry and am still alive and well... unfortunately, however, my computer is not... alive, that is... it decided about 3 or 4 weeks ago to just up and quit... didn't comply with that two-week's notice rule or anything... (and it's not even two years old! - anyone in the market for a new computer, beware: don't buy an E-machine!) So I have suddenly been left with no way to write any blog entries or read any of my subscriptions (although I'm caught up for now, as of today) or compare double stroller prices (not that I need to anymore - we found a used-but-almost-new Graco DuoGlider for $70 at Once Upon a Child... good place to check out for anyone needing baby stuff but unable or unwilling to pay for the brand-new stuff). Hopefully, we'll either get our computer fixed or replaced in the next couple weeks (the former being the preferred option!), and then I can post again.

But the cloth diaper experiment has been quite successful so far - I actually don't feel like I'm doing an excessive amount of laundry and the ones we bought are really absorbent and easy to use... so I think we'll keep it up. Of course, we're back in Disposable Land for the week while we're on vacation in Virginia (can you imagine toting a big bag of filthy, stinky diapers all around Virginia in the middle of the summer in a car with no A/C!?) We left Friday morning and drove to Covington, VA, where we camped overnight (which would have been fun, except that we got caught in a thunderstorm/torrential downpour and ended up soaked with not much sleep), and then stopped in Lexington for a visit to Stonewall Jackson's home/gravesite, then on to Hampton to spend a few days with some good friends we know from Toronto. Tomorrow we're on to Richmond to spend a day with my maternal grandparents, and then we've got a 4-day family reunion in Harrisonburg (my dad's side), before returning home... So it's a kind of busy trip, but nice just to be away from our normal routine and spending time with friends and family. Went to Virginia Beach yesterday - had a good time except that Susanna was terrified to go anywhere near the water (although she LOVES to swim in a pool) and Nathan turned into a lobster

Anyway, what was going to be just a short post has turned into a rather long one... hopefully, we'll have a home computer again soon and I'll be a regular blogger again! For now, I'm going to go back to sitting around eating junk and doing squat!

Announcement

=======================IT'S A BOY!======================

Yep, that's right! There's a 15 oz little man in my belly (at least as far as modern medicine is able to tell). So Susanna is going to get a little brother, and we will have a son. I'm excited, but also don't quite know what to think about the idea of having a little boy in the family. I mean, I'm the oldest of 4 girls, so I know girls. But boys are a whole new territory. I have no idea what to expect. When Susanna was born, I was worried about being an incompetent parent in general, but as far as teaching a girl to be a girl, well, I'd seen it done several times and I had some ideas as to how to go about it. And I know how girls generally think, how they communicate, what they need, because I am one. I suppose the downside to that is that it's easy for me to think that raising a girl is no big problem and I tend to look to my own strength and skills to do so, rather than leaning on God's grace and wisdom. But this time around, the basic parenting stuff is the part I'm not so worried about. I've got a little bit of experience in that department now (although I have plenty more to learn there, too!). This time it's the raising-a-boy-to-be-a-boy part that I don't have a clue about. I have enough trouble figuring out how to understand the way my own husband thinks and feels and communicates and what he really needs Add to the gender difference the fact that a small child of either sex is generally verbally incomprehensible, and, well, this will be a whole new learning experience for me! None of this is to say that I'm not happy to be having a boy. And in many ways, I'm excited about the new challenges and chances to learn that God will bring into my life through this. I just need to trust Him for wisdom to train up a godly man and the Holy Spirit to make it happen! And I suppose having a husband who happens to have been a little boy once, too, won't hurt either!

We're going to wait a little to start calling him by name, just incase we change our minds in the next 4 months, so that surprise will have to wait. Stay tuned...

P.S. Lest I forget the most important part, he is also a very healthy looking little boy and growing at exactly the right rate. Thank you, Lord, for a healthy child!

Discipline

Susanna has turned into Little Miss Verbal lately. She is picking up words right and left, and is enjoying her new communicative abilities and enthusiastic responses she gets from her parents... It's kind of crazy to think that in another year or so, she'll be talking in full sentences and be comprehensible most of the time! *sniffs* They grow up so fast! Of course, by the time we don't have to guess what she's trying to say anymore, we'll be playing that game with another little one! Only 7 more days till we find out whether Susanna is getting a brother or a sister!

Unfortunately, despite the fact that Susanna is so eager to utilize her expanding vocabulary, lately she has "forgotten" the word "please". She seems to be entering the "gimme" phase - pointing at various things she wants and grunting... and then throwing a temper tantrum when we ask her to say please, after which she then sticks her thumb in her mouth and sulks... repeat request for "please", repeat tantrum, repeat sulking, etc., etc., ad infinitum... I tell you, for all her calm, happy, sweet personality traits, this kid is STUBBORN! So these last few days have been ones of many disciplinary episodes... I now believe my parents' "It hurts me more than it hurts you" and "I'm doing this because I love you"! I hate having to withhold the thing she wants and I hate having to spank her, but I also hate the thought of having a wild, disobedient and very impolite child who is headed for Hell, so I have to discipline her consistently. I think we might be seeing some fruit of this week's discipline, too, because today she seemed much more compliant in the "please" department (I think we only had about 3 tantrums, which is MUCH better than Friday's something like 20!) Anyway, all this is helping me to better understand why God has to discipline us, so it's all for our good.

How You Walk

"I will walk with integrity of heart within my house; I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless." - Psalm 101:2b-3a

I read that this morning and was particularly convicted by the second phrase... How often have I used precious time to watch some worthless TV program, read some worthless magazine article, thought about things that were of absolutely no consequence, or worse yet, actually harmful? I don't have anything against TV or movies or magazines or R&R in and of themselves, but I know I need to be more careful to choose wisely what I will spend my time and energy on. Lord, grant us wisdom to discern the worthy from the worthless and to pursue that which is full of integrity and weight,that our every moment might bring you glory.

"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." - Ephesians 5:15-17

Flutters

Okay, so life is finally getting back to normal (whatever that is!)... we've settled in to the new place, we don't have any upcoming vacations or visitors planned, and so I once again have the occasional block of time to write new blog entries and keep up with my subscription list! We'll see how long that keeps up

And just to prove that I've got all the time in the world again, all I have to say today is that in the last few days, I've started feeling some discernable movements and nudges from Tookie (I started getting that "fluttery" feeling a couple weeks ago). And I just have to say that that has got to be one of the coolest sensations! I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed feeling Susanna move around and how much I missed it after she was born. We find out whether Tookie is a he or a she in 3 weeks...

Things Go Up and Down But God is Always Faithful

Oy vay! This has been a bit of a crazy weekend... not too long after I posted that things were really looking up at the new apartment, Nathan decided to head over and do a little more work... at which point we discovered that the keys were nowhere to be found. Now I NEVER lose keys. I have never lost a key in my life (not counting momentary misplacements). So the one time that some keys disappear on my watch, they are the keys to our new apartment, which we a) need to get in to work and b) don't want to have to call the new landlord about. We searched the whole house (Susanna has a habit of finding keys and moving them to odd places, like the bucket of cleaning supplies in the room she is not allowed to play in), we called the restaurant we had been at Friday night, we searched the car... no luck. So no work. And then on top of that, I noticed that one of my glands was a little swollen, which, among a million other possible diseases, happens to be a symptom for toxoplasmosis. Of course, the pregnant hypocondriac in me was immediately convinced that I had somehow contracted it. Nevermind that my research had informed me that the parasite can only live for a certain amount of time without a host, and the cat guy has been out of the apartment for more than 6 months. Nevermind that cats only shed the parasite in their feces for 2 weeks after they get it (so they would have to have happened to contract it right before he moved out). Nevermind that symptoms of toxoplasmosis don't appear until 2 or 3 weeks after exposure and it's only been one since I've been over there. I was certain I must have it. So I didn't sleep too well Saturday night, between the keys and the fear for my unborn child...

However, lest I begin to depress you, read on... Sunday morning, I read Psalm 23, and began to pray that God would grant me a green pasture to lie down in and rest from all my anxieties and frustrations. And then, encouraged by the promise that goodness and mercy follow the righteous all the days of their lives, I started to pray that God would grant me grace to rest in His sovereignty and promises of faithfulness even if worst came to worst and the landlord told us we couldn't move in because he no longer trusted us, or I really did have toxoplasmosis and our baby was the 1 in 10,000 who ended up severely deformed, or Susanna got really dehydrated and ended up in the hospital or dead, even if we lost everything, every hope and dream we'd ever had, God would still be our God and He would still be faithful and somehow working goodness and mercy in our lives through the suffering, and at the end of it all there is the hope of future glory that far outweighs any earthly pain or decay. And thanks be to God who lifted me up out of my pit and gave me a great sense of peace and a deeper trust in Him!

Thanks be also to the God who could have allowed any of the terrible things above to happen and instead showed us the mercy of a landlord (who is a Christian, by the way) who heard about our key predicament and offered to drive into town right away to give us a new set of keys so that we were able to get some good work done last night (we also now have 2 copies, so that shouldn't happen again)... who gave me the peace of the knowledge that the slightly swollen gland is actually much more likely caused by the painful gingivitis I've developed in the last week (admittedly a risk for preterm birth if left untreated for several months, but not anywhere near as serious... I just need to make a dentist appointment soon)... who has brought healing to Susanna so that aside from the crankiness of incoming molars, she is happy and eating again and not soiling 4 outfits a day anymore... and who has also allowed Nathan to come down with a touch of the flu today - oh, it never ends, but God is still faithful!

"All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies... My eyes are ever toward the LORD, for he will pluck my feet out of the net." (Psalm 25:10, 15)

Name Explanation

By the way, for future reference, when I mention "Tookie", that is Baby #2. We can't name the baby yet because it's still 3 months till we find out whether it's a boy or a girl, so rather than referring to "it", we've given him/her a generic name. In case you're wondering why we picked something so odd, Susanna got called Pookie in utero, for reasons I don't remember, and we didn't want to reuse that one, so we decided to name #2 in the manner that the Canadian $2 coin was named a few years ago (They did away with the one and two dollar bills a while ago... so in Canada, rather than having a fat wad of cash - which is really just $20 in $1 bills, you get to carry around 5 lbs of coinage that adds up to the same). See, the $1 coin is called a loonie (because it has a picture of a loon on one side), and maybe 7 or 8 years ago - I don't remember exactly - they introduced the $2 coin, and it needed a name. And the one that stuck was toonie (two + loonie). So Pookie became Tookie. I know, I know, we Canadians are a little odd, but hey, it does make perfect sense, eh?

Ultrasound

Man, I feel like I don't get on here very often anymore! I guess I used to do most of my blogging during Susanna's nap and after she goes to bed, but lately, those are the times when I most want to sleep myself.

So Friday, we had ultrasound #1. It was so cool to see our new little baby - (s)he was still too small to see any movement, but we did see the tiny heart beating in Baby's chest and heard it, too. That's the moment when it starts to really sink in that there's a real little life in there... I mean, once you get a positive test result, you know in your head that there's a baby inside, but I don't think you really realize it till you see and hear that little heart beating away. I kind of had a sense of deja vu, and it took a second for it to occur to me that this little human was not Susanna, but a completely new and unique individual! I don't see how anyone could look at that and still think there's no God!

Happy Birthday, Susanna!

Well, actually her birthday was yesterday, but I didn't have a chance to get on here and wish her a public happy birthday, so I'm doing it today. It's hard to believe she's already 1 year old... doesn't seem like it's been that long since she was born.

This afternoon, we're having a birthday party for her, and since it's Easter weekend, I've made the cake in the shape of a rabbit (carrot cake with cream cheese frosting - yummy!). I've almost finished the decorating, but I'm trying to be mindful today, in the midst of the gazillion things I want to get done before 4 pm, to take regular time-outs to play with Susanna or read to her or just snuggle. I didn't do that yesterday, and by the end of the day the poor kid was in Super-Cling Mode and very cranky. On her birthday. I felt like a such a terrible mother, I wanted to cry. I'm like Martha - I have lots to do and no time to sit down and just have quality time with the ones I love. And it's so easy for me, especially with a daughter who, for the most part, is content to play by herself much of the day, to go all day and get lots done, and then realize that the only time I spent with her was mealtimes (when I'm plenty distracted anyway). I need to remember that paying attention to my daughter and showing her I care about her is just as important, actually, more important, as having a clean kitchen floor or all the laundry done or an elaborate homemade birthday cake. And that goes for my relationship with God, with Nathan, and with people in general, too. So now I am going to go read Susanna a book.

On Cookies

When I said told Nathan I had a craving for oatmeal cookies this week, I wasn't kidding! I had been holding off on making any all week because I didn't have enough raisins, and I really prefer mine with raisins. So today I got raisins and this evening, I made oatmeal cookies. And now I have had 5, plus the crunchy bits from the one that Susanna ate. And I'd eat another few if I wasn't starting to think that all that sugar before bed is probably not the best idea. Maybe I need a little ice cream... Now if only I could like vegetables so much... for some reason, in the first trimester of my pregnancy with Susanna, I couldn't stand the smell or taste (and sometimes even the thought) of green vegetables. Which is really weird because I am normally the Vegetable-Eater. I used to eat a bowl of green beans for a snack after classes. (Maybe that's the weird part!) Well I thought I might escape that aversion this time around, seeing as I had gotten up to 8 weeks liking everything just fine (chocolate especially). But today at lunch I decided to finish off the left-over peas from last night's dinner, and they made me want to gag. And then I had planned to make a salad for dinner, but the thought of looking at that lettuce was just not at all appealing to me. So here we go again! Hopefully it'll wear off in a few weeks so I don't gain 70 pounds on an oatmeal-cookie-and-ice-cream diet over the course of the next 7 months! And in the meantime, anyone want a cookie?

Gentle Leading

I had a really difficult, tiring day yesterday, so this morning Nathan was really sweet and offered to watch Susanna for an hour while I went for a walk by myself before he went to chapel. (I came back and found Susanna sitting on his lap, listening to him read from the Rhyming Bible. She was so engrossed that she merely looked up to see who had come in, didn’t even smile, and went right back to looking at the book - which is a highly unusual response to Mommy! She was just enjoying some good ol’ Daddy time)

Anyway, while I was on my walk, the passage from Isaiah 40:11 popped into my head, where it says, “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom; and gently lead those that are with young.” I was just struck today by that last phrase “and gently lead those that are with young”. Isaiah could have picked any group of weaker sheep to mention… “and gently lead those that are crippled, those that are blind, those that are sick, etc.”, but it’s those that are with young that he chooses to name. Now I know that these are symbolic for all who are weak and burdened and slowed down in general, which means that it applies to all of us for some reason or another. But he the group he specifically mentions in this instance is those that are with young. And in all literalness (other than the fact that I’m not a sheep!), that’s me! I’m with child, and I have a young child to lead, too. And as much as I would like to be Superwoman, I’m not. I’m tired, I seem to break down very easily these days, and I‘ve got a little, fairly helpless child who spends half of her waking hours clinging to my leg (try getting anywhere quickly in that state!) and another teeny tiny one who is using all my energy so that (s)he can grow properly. I mean, children are a blessing from the Lord, but I think part of that blessing is in the fact that through child-rearing, parents (at least those Christians who continually seek God’s grace to do it) are sanctified to be more Christ-like. You want to learn patience, compassion, long-suffering, continual joyful service, unconditional love, caring for the helpless, selflessness, grace, discipline, consistancy… have some kids! Parenthood is certainly one of the more sanctifying experiences in life! And in the midst of this constant discipline (though it comes with much joy), I don’t want a leader who’s always thinking about how to get his staff around my neck, to be strong-armed into compliance, to be lectured on my sin and failures, to be beaten with a rod of anger. That kind of leadership would make me want to give up, to sit on my butt and let the flock go on without me. But this passage says that the kind of shepherd who leads me is a gentle one, one who takes me carefully over the rough places, who understands the role he’s given me as a mother and leads me accordingly, one who‘s not looking for Superwoman, but simply wants to care for his weak ones.

So I’ve been encouraged today. And it helped too that I was told by another mom who’s expecting #2 that she often doesn’t even manage to get dressed before mid-afternoon… I’m not the only slowpoke

Snakes and Fish

I went to the seminary clinic today to get an "official" pregnancy test. (I need it for insurance reasons.) It was really weird - I was actually kind of nervous about going because somewhere in the back of my mind, I had this (pretty irrational) fear that I would go in there, and the test would come back negative and I would have dreamed all this pregnancy stuff up and end up crushed. Right up until the nurse told me it was positive, I was still thinking, "Please tell me it's positive! Please tell me it's positive!..." as if it was really likely to be anything else. I mean, besides the fact that home pregnancy tests advertise as being 99% correct (and that 1% is more likely to be a false negative), if I'm not pregnant, there's something seriously wrong with me, and I need to see a doctor pronto. At least my husband confessed to having the same anxiety, so I don't feel quite so crazy. Or maybe we're just both nuts! But really, I think the thoughts work like this: "I'm really happy and excited about circumstance/situation/thing X... Isn't this just the greatest thing! La la la la la la la! Oh..., wait! I'm a sinner, right? And sometimes terrible things happen to even the holiest people... God's probably just allowed me to get my hopes up so he can crush them under his little finger! It must not really be true afterall..." Why do we so often doubt God's words that he is a Father who delights to give good gifts to His children? The Father who will not give his son a snake when he asks for a fish? Why is it sometimes hard to delight in God's good and gracious gifts to us without worrying that it's too good to be true and we'll just end up getting crushed? Or maybe no one else ever struggles with this...

Anyway, the test came back positive, of course, so now I have nurse's stamp of approval on my baby announcement. We're due October 27.

Questions

Well, I seem to have found a little more energy the last few days, so our apartment is looking a bit cleaner and I'm feeling a little more useful... Now if only my moods wouldn't swing back and forth so many times in a day! It's so hard not to just blame any and all moodiness on the fact that I'm pregnant. I mean, that is certainly an aggravating factor, perhaps THE aggravating factor, but I'm not sure that it's a really valid excuse to be grumpy or take things really personally. It just means that I need all the more to be seeking God's grace to be selfless, kind and steadfast, no matter what havoc my hormones are wreaking. Why is it so much easier to justify sin when we can find a culturally-acceptable physical explanation for why we gave in to temptation? Lord, grant me the grace to fight the temptation to be self-seeking, and if I lose the fight, grant me the grace to recognize MY guilt and not to shift the blame to some hormonal reaction!

On a similar note, something I really struggled with in my pregnancy with Susanna, and which will likely continue to be a struggle this time around since I never fully figured it out before: what is the godly balance between taking care of a body that is truthfully in a slightly compromised state and being selfless? What I mean by that is this: a pregnant woman cannot do EVERYTHING that a healthy, non-pregnant woman can do without potentially causing harm to the baby. There is a real sense in which she is more fragile, NEEDS to be a little more careful, get a little more rest, eat a little more, cut back a little on strenuous activity. The problem is with how far she takes that and what her motivation in doing it is. A lot of books and other pregnant women make it sound as if, just because you're pregnant, you can and should suddenly turn into a princess who has everyone waiting on her hand and foot. How do I take proper care of my body and the life God has placed within it, and at the same time, continue to give my all in the roles and responsibilities I have already been given? When is it okay to ask Nathan to do something that is normally my job, and when am I merely using pregancy as an excuse, sub-conscious though it may be, to get out of doing something just because I don't "feel" like it?

Hmmm... this is question day... What's the line between voicing negative-sounding facts and actually complaining? I'm tired. That is a fact and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying it. But it's easy to get a little carried away and start saying or writing about all the "facts" of the little (or big) grievances in my life, not so much for them to be known and recorded, but for the purpose of seeking sympathy. Is that always wrong? I want to work at being a little more positive in the things I write here, so that this doesn't turn into Sarah's Pregnancy (or Motherhood, or Marriage, or Christianity, etc.) Complaint Journal, because that doesn't edify anyone else, and it doesn't keep me thinking about all the amazing grace God has given and continues to give in all these aspects of my life. Lord help me!

Tired

Man! I forgot how exhausting the first trimester is! I feel like I'm in a bit of a fog from about 11 am on, even after a 2 hour nap in the afternoon. And this being after 11 am, I'm not feeling altogether with it. So I'll just warn all my readers that for the next 4 to 6 weeks, my blog entries may be a little less than coherent. You can just assume I'm half-asleep at the computer, smile politely, and hope for better things in late April Until then, I remain half-consciously yours,

Sarahthesleepy.

Why is there no emoticon for "sleepy"? I wanted to add a sleepy face, but discovered that the only face with two eyes closed was the kissy face, which I have no intention of inserting here.

Pregnancy Hormones

So had I spilt the beans by Friday, this is what I would have written about:

Female hormones are a funny thing (some guys might object to my use of a positive adjective, but I'm writing this from my own female perspective). Pregnancy tends to exacerbate the effects of these hormones. Case in point: Friday morning, I turned on the TV to check the temperature (I walk in the morning and I like to know how much to bundle Susanna up). They were doing a human interest segment on some children's choir in Tennessee. The state had cut their funding, the poor kids were about to loose their favourite after-school activity, they were planning to do some fundraising, etc., etc. They had some kids talk to the camera about how much they love to sing, how much it means to them. And then the TV reporter tells the kids that they have prepared a surprise for them. The president of First Tennessee Bank comes out with one of those gigantic fake cheques (I still like my Canadian spellings) and says, "To help kick-start your fundraising, we're giving you a cheque for $10,000!" Nice little news story, right? Well I tell you, I started to choke up.And then they brought out some famous country singer and announced that all the kids were going to Las Vegas for the Country Music Awards. It was all I could do to keep from sobbing. It was just so touching, so beautiful, so uplifting to see the smiles on those kids' faces! Or it was just a serious case of hormonal malfunction. And that's only at 5 weeks pregnant. Probably in a few weeks, you won't want to come near me!

An Announcement

BABY #2 IS ON THE WAY!!!!

That's right! We're expecting once again. That happens to be a good part of the reason why my recent posting has not been as frequent nor as interesting this past week, seeing as it's hard to think of things to say when your one big news item is still a secret. But now that the family knows and we had a chance to tell people at church yesterday, I no longer have to worry about someone really close to us finding out via my blog (big relational faux pas!), so I am now free to talk all I want to about it.

We're not even quite 6 weeks along yet, so it's still really early, but Susanna should have a brother or sister by the end of October!

Hooray For Sleep!

Last night I got a good, full night of sleep for the first time in a while... got to bed BEFORE midnight, slept all the way through, and wasn't awakened at 6 by Nathan getting up to go to work (no, he didn't oversleep - he works later on Saturdays). It was one of those mornings when you wake up at a decent hour and even though you could stay in bed for longer, you don't feel the need to (haven't had one of those in ages!). I feel very well rested today (which is especially great compared to yesterday when I felt like sleeping all day long). So that makes me happy. The other thing that was nice about waking up this morning, which also makes me happy, is that it was 8 o'clock and the sun was shining in through the blinds and the room was relatively light. I tell you, it is depressing to wake up at 8 in a dark room. Like it's still the middle of the night. (Okay, I know certain readers who wake up at 5 are now thinking I'm totally spoiled.) But the fact that it was bright at 8, actually at 7:30, means that spring is coming. And then summer. Nice, long, sunshiney days (unless it's raining). I LOVE waking up in the sunlight with the birds singing outside our window. As much as we Canadians may gripe and complain about how annoyingly warm it is here in February, I can't say that I really, honestly miss the cold. At all. Here's to spring!