Well, actually her birthday was yesterday, but I didn't have a chance to get on here and wish her a public happy birthday, so I'm doing it today. It's hard to believe she's already 1 year old... doesn't seem like it's been that long since she was born.
This afternoon, we're having a birthday party for her, and since it's Easter weekend, I've made the cake in the shape of a rabbit (carrot cake with cream cheese frosting - yummy!). I've almost finished the decorating, but I'm trying to be mindful today, in the midst of the gazillion things I want to get done before 4 pm, to take regular time-outs to play with Susanna or read to her or just snuggle. I didn't do that yesterday, and by the end of the day the poor kid was in Super-Cling Mode and very cranky. On her birthday. I felt like a such a terrible mother, I wanted to cry. I'm like Martha - I have lots to do and no time to sit down and just have quality time with the ones I love. And it's so easy for me, especially with a daughter who, for the most part, is content to play by herself much of the day, to go all day and get lots done, and then realize that the only time I spent with her was mealtimes (when I'm plenty distracted anyway). I need to remember that paying attention to my daughter and showing her I care about her is just as important, actually, more important, as having a clean kitchen floor or all the laundry done or an elaborate homemade birthday cake. And that goes for my relationship with God, with Nathan, and with people in general, too. So now I am going to go read Susanna a book.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Thursday, March 17, 2005
On Cookies
When I said told Nathan I had a craving for oatmeal cookies this week, I wasn't kidding! I had been holding off on making any all week because I didn't have enough raisins, and I really prefer mine with raisins. So today I got raisins and this evening, I made oatmeal cookies. And now I have had 5, plus the crunchy bits from the one that Susanna ate. And I'd eat another few if I wasn't starting to think that all that sugar before bed is probably not the best idea. Maybe I need a little ice cream...
Now if only I could like vegetables so much... for some reason, in the first trimester of my pregnancy with Susanna, I couldn't stand the smell or taste (and sometimes even the thought) of green vegetables. Which is really weird because I am normally the Vegetable-Eater. I used to eat a bowl of green beans for a snack after classes. (Maybe that's the weird part!) Well I thought I might escape that aversion this time around, seeing as I had gotten up to 8 weeks liking everything just fine (chocolate especially). But today at lunch I decided to finish off the left-over peas from last night's dinner, and they made me want to gag. And then I had planned to make a salad for dinner, but the thought of looking at that lettuce was just not at all appealing to me. So here we go again! Hopefully it'll wear off in a few weeks so I don't gain 70 pounds on an oatmeal-cookie-and-ice-cream diet over the course of the next 7 months! And in the meantime, anyone want a cookie?
Now if only I could like vegetables so much... for some reason, in the first trimester of my pregnancy with Susanna, I couldn't stand the smell or taste (and sometimes even the thought) of green vegetables. Which is really weird because I am normally the Vegetable-Eater. I used to eat a bowl of green beans for a snack after classes. (Maybe that's the weird part!) Well I thought I might escape that aversion this time around, seeing as I had gotten up to 8 weeks liking everything just fine (chocolate especially). But today at lunch I decided to finish off the left-over peas from last night's dinner, and they made me want to gag. And then I had planned to make a salad for dinner, but the thought of looking at that lettuce was just not at all appealing to me. So here we go again! Hopefully it'll wear off in a few weeks so I don't gain 70 pounds on an oatmeal-cookie-and-ice-cream diet over the course of the next 7 months! And in the meantime, anyone want a cookie?
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Gentle Leading
I had a really difficult, tiring day yesterday, so this morning Nathan was really sweet and offered to watch Susanna for an hour while I went for a walk by myself before he went to chapel. (I came back and found Susanna sitting on his lap, listening to him read from the Rhyming Bible. She was so engrossed that she merely looked up to see who had come in, didn’t even smile, and went right back to looking at the book - which is a highly unusual response to Mommy! She was just enjoying some good ol’ Daddy time
)
Anyway, while I was on my walk, the passage from Isaiah 40:11 popped into my head, where it says, “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom; and gently lead those that are with young.” I was just struck today by that last phrase “and gently lead those that are with young”. Isaiah could have picked any group of weaker sheep to mention… “and gently lead those that are crippled, those that are blind, those that are sick, etc.”, but it’s those that are with young that he chooses to name. Now I know that these are symbolic for all who are weak and burdened and slowed down in general, which means that it applies to all of us for some reason or another. But he the group he specifically mentions in this instance is those that are with young. And in all literalness (other than the fact that I’m not a sheep!), that’s me! I’m with child, and I have a young child to lead, too. And as much as I would like to be Superwoman, I’m not. I’m tired, I seem to break down very easily these days, and I‘ve got a little, fairly helpless child who spends half of her waking hours clinging to my leg (try getting anywhere quickly in that state!) and another teeny tiny one who is using all my energy so that (s)he can grow properly. I mean, children are a blessing from the Lord, but I think part of that blessing is in the fact that through child-rearing, parents (at least those Christians who continually seek God’s grace to do it) are sanctified to be more Christ-like. You want to learn patience, compassion, long-suffering, continual joyful service, unconditional love, caring for the helpless, selflessness, grace, discipline, consistancy… have some kids! Parenthood is certainly one of the more sanctifying experiences in life! And in the midst of this constant discipline (though it comes with much joy), I don’t want a leader who’s always thinking about how to get his staff around my neck, to be strong-armed into compliance, to be lectured on my sin and failures, to be beaten with a rod of anger. That kind of leadership would make me want to give up, to sit on my butt and let the flock go on without me. But this passage says that the kind of shepherd who leads me is a gentle one, one who takes me carefully over the rough places, who understands the role he’s given me as a mother and leads me accordingly, one who‘s not looking for Superwoman, but simply wants to care for his weak ones.
So I’ve been encouraged today. And it helped too that I was told by another mom who’s expecting #2 that she often doesn’t even manage to get dressed before mid-afternoon… I’m not the only slowpoke
)Anyway, while I was on my walk, the passage from Isaiah 40:11 popped into my head, where it says, “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom; and gently lead those that are with young.” I was just struck today by that last phrase “and gently lead those that are with young”. Isaiah could have picked any group of weaker sheep to mention… “and gently lead those that are crippled, those that are blind, those that are sick, etc.”, but it’s those that are with young that he chooses to name. Now I know that these are symbolic for all who are weak and burdened and slowed down in general, which means that it applies to all of us for some reason or another. But he the group he specifically mentions in this instance is those that are with young. And in all literalness (other than the fact that I’m not a sheep!), that’s me! I’m with child, and I have a young child to lead, too. And as much as I would like to be Superwoman, I’m not. I’m tired, I seem to break down very easily these days, and I‘ve got a little, fairly helpless child who spends half of her waking hours clinging to my leg (try getting anywhere quickly in that state!) and another teeny tiny one who is using all my energy so that (s)he can grow properly. I mean, children are a blessing from the Lord, but I think part of that blessing is in the fact that through child-rearing, parents (at least those Christians who continually seek God’s grace to do it) are sanctified to be more Christ-like. You want to learn patience, compassion, long-suffering, continual joyful service, unconditional love, caring for the helpless, selflessness, grace, discipline, consistancy… have some kids! Parenthood is certainly one of the more sanctifying experiences in life! And in the midst of this constant discipline (though it comes with much joy), I don’t want a leader who’s always thinking about how to get his staff around my neck, to be strong-armed into compliance, to be lectured on my sin and failures, to be beaten with a rod of anger. That kind of leadership would make me want to give up, to sit on my butt and let the flock go on without me. But this passage says that the kind of shepherd who leads me is a gentle one, one who takes me carefully over the rough places, who understands the role he’s given me as a mother and leads me accordingly, one who‘s not looking for Superwoman, but simply wants to care for his weak ones.
So I’ve been encouraged today. And it helped too that I was told by another mom who’s expecting #2 that she often doesn’t even manage to get dressed before mid-afternoon… I’m not the only slowpoke
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Snakes and Fish
I went to the seminary clinic today to get an "official" pregnancy test. (I need it for insurance reasons.) It was really weird - I was actually kind of nervous about going because somewhere in the back of my mind, I had this (pretty irrational) fear that I would go in there, and the test would come back negative and I would have dreamed all this pregnancy stuff up and end up crushed. Right up until the nurse told me it was positive, I was still thinking, "Please tell me it's positive! Please tell me it's positive!..." as if it was really likely to be anything else. I mean, besides the fact that home pregnancy tests advertise as being 99% correct (and that 1% is more likely to be a false negative), if I'm not pregnant, there's something seriously wrong with me, and I need to see a doctor pronto. At least my husband confessed to having the same anxiety, so I don't feel quite so crazy. Or maybe we're just both nuts! But really, I think the thoughts work like this: "I'm really happy and excited about circumstance/situation/thing X... Isn't this just the greatest thing! La la la la la la la! Oh..., wait! I'm a sinner, right? And sometimes terrible things happen to even the holiest people... God's probably just allowed me to get my hopes up so he can crush them under his little finger! It must not really be true afterall..." Why do we so often doubt God's words that he is a Father who delights to give good gifts to His children? The Father who will not give his son a snake when he asks for a fish? Why is it sometimes hard to delight in God's good and gracious gifts to us without worrying that it's too good to be true and we'll just end up getting crushed? Or maybe no one else ever struggles with this...
Anyway, the test came back positive, of course, so now I have nurse's stamp of approval on my baby announcement. We're due October 27.
Anyway, the test came back positive, of course, so now I have nurse's stamp of approval on my baby announcement. We're due October 27.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Questions
Well, I seem to have found a little more energy the last few days, so our apartment is looking a bit cleaner and I'm feeling a little more useful... Now if only my moods wouldn't swing back and forth so many times in a day! It's so hard not to just blame any and all moodiness on the fact that I'm pregnant. I mean, that is certainly an aggravating factor, perhaps THE aggravating factor, but I'm not sure that it's a really valid excuse to be grumpy or take things really personally. It just means that I need all the more to be seeking God's grace to be selfless, kind and steadfast, no matter what havoc my hormones are wreaking. Why is it so much easier to justify sin when we can find a culturally-acceptable physical explanation for why we gave in to temptation? Lord, grant me the grace to fight the temptation to be self-seeking, and if I lose the fight, grant me the grace to recognize MY guilt and not to shift the blame to some hormonal reaction!
On a similar note, something I really struggled with in my pregnancy with Susanna, and which will likely continue to be a struggle this time around since I never fully figured it out before: what is the godly balance between taking care of a body that is truthfully in a slightly compromised state and being selfless? What I mean by that is this: a pregnant woman cannot do EVERYTHING that a healthy, non-pregnant woman can do without potentially causing harm to the baby. There is a real sense in which she is more fragile, NEEDS to be a little more careful, get a little more rest, eat a little more, cut back a little on strenuous activity. The problem is with how far she takes that and what her motivation in doing it is. A lot of books and other pregnant women make it sound as if, just because you're pregnant, you can and should suddenly turn into a princess who has everyone waiting on her hand and foot. How do I take proper care of my body and the life God has placed within it, and at the same time, continue to give my all in the roles and responsibilities I have already been given? When is it okay to ask Nathan to do something that is normally my job, and when am I merely using pregancy as an excuse, sub-conscious though it may be, to get out of doing something just because I don't "feel" like it?
Hmmm... this is question day... What's the line between voicing negative-sounding facts and actually complaining? I'm tired. That is a fact and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying it. But it's easy to get a little carried away and start saying or writing about all the "facts" of the little (or big) grievances in my life, not so much for them to be known and recorded, but for the purpose of seeking sympathy. Is that always wrong? I want to work at being a little more positive in the things I write here, so that this doesn't turn into Sarah's Pregnancy (or Motherhood, or Marriage, or Christianity, etc.) Complaint Journal, because that doesn't edify anyone else, and it doesn't keep me thinking about all the amazing grace God has given and continues to give in all these aspects of my life. Lord help me!
On a similar note, something I really struggled with in my pregnancy with Susanna, and which will likely continue to be a struggle this time around since I never fully figured it out before: what is the godly balance between taking care of a body that is truthfully in a slightly compromised state and being selfless? What I mean by that is this: a pregnant woman cannot do EVERYTHING that a healthy, non-pregnant woman can do without potentially causing harm to the baby. There is a real sense in which she is more fragile, NEEDS to be a little more careful, get a little more rest, eat a little more, cut back a little on strenuous activity. The problem is with how far she takes that and what her motivation in doing it is. A lot of books and other pregnant women make it sound as if, just because you're pregnant, you can and should suddenly turn into a princess who has everyone waiting on her hand and foot. How do I take proper care of my body and the life God has placed within it, and at the same time, continue to give my all in the roles and responsibilities I have already been given? When is it okay to ask Nathan to do something that is normally my job, and when am I merely using pregancy as an excuse, sub-conscious though it may be, to get out of doing something just because I don't "feel" like it?
Hmmm... this is question day... What's the line between voicing negative-sounding facts and actually complaining? I'm tired. That is a fact and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying it. But it's easy to get a little carried away and start saying or writing about all the "facts" of the little (or big) grievances in my life, not so much for them to be known and recorded, but for the purpose of seeking sympathy. Is that always wrong? I want to work at being a little more positive in the things I write here, so that this doesn't turn into Sarah's Pregnancy (or Motherhood, or Marriage, or Christianity, etc.) Complaint Journal, because that doesn't edify anyone else, and it doesn't keep me thinking about all the amazing grace God has given and continues to give in all these aspects of my life. Lord help me!
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Tired
Man! I forgot how exhausting the first trimester is! I feel like I'm in a bit of a fog from about 11 am on, even after a 2 hour nap in the afternoon. And this being after 11 am, I'm not feeling altogether with it. So I'll just warn all my readers that for the next 4 to 6 weeks, my blog entries may be a little less than coherent. You can just assume I'm half-asleep at the computer, smile politely, and hope for better things in late April Until then, I remain half-consciously yours,
Sarahthesleepy.
Why is there no emoticon for "sleepy"? I wanted to add a sleepy face, but discovered that the only face with two eyes closed was the kissy face, which I have no intention of inserting here.
Until then, I remain half-consciously yours,Sarahthesleepy.
Why is there no emoticon for "sleepy"? I wanted to add a sleepy face, but discovered that the only face with two eyes closed was the kissy face, which I have no intention of inserting here.
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