I went to the seminary clinic today to get an "official" pregnancy test. (I need it for insurance reasons.) It was really weird - I was actually kind of nervous about going because somewhere in the back of my mind, I had this (pretty irrational) fear that I would go in there, and the test would come back negative and I would have dreamed all this pregnancy stuff up and end up crushed. Right up until the nurse told me it was positive, I was still thinking, "Please tell me it's positive! Please tell me it's positive!..." as if it was really likely to be anything else. I mean, besides the fact that home pregnancy tests advertise as being 99% correct (and that 1% is more likely to be a false negative), if I'm not pregnant, there's something seriously wrong with me, and I need to see a doctor pronto. At least my husband confessed to having the same anxiety, so I don't feel quite so crazy. Or maybe we're just both nuts! But really, I think the thoughts work like this: "I'm really happy and excited about circumstance/situation/thing X... Isn't this just the greatest thing! La la la la la la la! Oh..., wait! I'm a sinner, right? And sometimes terrible things happen to even the holiest people... God's probably just allowed me to get my hopes up so he can crush them under his little finger! It must not really be true afterall..." Why do we so often doubt God's words that he is a Father who delights to give good gifts to His children? The Father who will not give his son a snake when he asks for a fish? Why is it sometimes hard to delight in God's good and gracious gifts to us without worrying that it's too good to be true and we'll just end up getting crushed? Or maybe no one else ever struggles with this...
Anyway, the test came back positive, of course, so now I have nurse's stamp of approval on my baby announcement. We're due October 27.
No comments:
Post a Comment