A Happy Anniversary

Praising God for 10 happy years of marriage to my best friend, Nathan Fullerton! We've got a few more lines, a little more grey (me), a little worse eyesight (him), and just a couple more responsibilities :), but I still love him up to the moon (and back). Here's to several more decades!

Not As Those Who Have No Hope!

I have a 5 year old and a 7 year old, and I cannot imagine what it would be like to send them off to school one morning and find out a short time later that they had been gunned down in their classroom. The thought literally makes me feel ill. And so I grieve for the parents in Newtown, Connecticut who faced such a horrible tragedy last Friday, and who will spend this Christmas--and likely many others--weeping over the loss of their little ones. Gifts already purchased with no one to receive them, plans already made with no one to take along, empty beds with no one to kiss goodnight... this is every parent's worst nightmare.

And yet, this is exactly what God the Father did in love one Christmas two thousand years ago. He sent his Son off into our world as an infant, a child just like our little ones, and he did it not unsuspectingly, but knowing full-well that his Son would be hated, rejected and put to death on a horrid cross though he was completely innocent, having committed no sin, being crucified for no good reason (on the part of the murderers) other than their jealousy, anger, self-righteousness and amusement. He bore the grief of a bereaved parent; he knows the agony of losing an innocent child. He sympathises in complete understanding with every parent who has ever lost or will ever lose a child.

But because of this very sacrifice, we do not mourn as those who have no hope. Because of Jesus' death on our behalf, for our sins, we who believe gain the right to become children of God! And because Jesus not only died, but conquered that terrible enemy Death when he rose again on the third day, we who believe will never truly die. Death no longer has dominion over us because we are forever fully alive in Christ!

I don't know the reason for Friday's events. Only God does. But I do know that the death of every person on this planet--tragic or not--points to our desperate need for a Saviour who will come to rescue us from the awful curse of sin. And Christmas points to the joyous news that this Saviour has actually come and that he has broken the curse of death by his resurrection from the dead, so that we can indeed say, "Death is swallowed up in victory; O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?"

As I celebrate Christmas this year, with my 2, 5, 7 and 8 year olds happily sitting around the tree--Lord willing--I will mourn with the families in Newtown who are mourning, and at the very same time, rejoice in the fact that Jesus' birth was the ushering in of a new hope that signals the end of all such tragedies, all such searches for meaning and answers, all such evil and death.

So sing loudly with us this Christmas, "Joy to the world; the Lord has come! Let earth receive her king...No more let sins and sorrows grow, nor thorns infest the ground. He comes to make his blessing known far as the curse is found!"

Hallelujah! Come Lord Jesus!

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.

They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.

Strangers shall stand and tend your flocks;
foreigners shall be your plowmen and vinedressers;
but you shall be called the priests of the Lord;
they shall speak of you as the ministers of our God;
you shall eat the wealth of the nations,
and in their glory you shall boast.
Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion;
instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot;
therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion;
they shall have everlasting joy.

 

For I the Lord love justice;
I hate robbery and wrong;
I will faithfully give them their recompense,
and I will make an everlasting covenant with them.

Their offspring shall be known among the nations,
and their descendants in the midst of the peoples;
all who see them shall acknowledge them, that they are an offspring the Lord has blessed.

 

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord;
my soul shall exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
and as a garden causes what is sown in it to sprout up,
so the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise
to sprout up before all the nations.

(Isaiah 61)

______________________________________________________________________

A few of the multitude of really good links related to Newtown, if you haven't seen them already:

School Shootings and Spiritual Warfare: Russell Moore on who the real enemy is in this

And Slew the Little Childer and follow-up post That Will Be Soon Enough, both by Douglas Wilson on what (and what not) to say immediately following horrific events like this...

Faces Do you know that on the same day 27 innocent people died in Newtown, 30 children in China were injured in a random, but apparently not unprecedented, attack by a knife-wielding man? And helpless children and others around the world face these horrors on a sometimes daily basis... Having seen some of the effects of such carnage in Rwanda several years ago, I appreciated this post from Tanzania.

The Desiring God blog also has a whole host of good links, some specifically about Newtown, others about suffering in general, among them How Jesus Comes to Newtown and a video version of John Piper reading his relevant poem The Innkeeper.

Understood

Our two-year-old is not the most articulate kid on the planet. She loves to chatter, but much of what she says is unintelligible to us. Over the last few months, though, we have begun to comprehend some key words and phrases, like "woh" (water or milk), "shee" (cheese), "beh" (bread), "cangy" (candy) and the all-important "banky" (her 2--yes, two--essential blankets). Today in the car, she asked for woh, and to her great delight, received a cup in exchange. One of the other kids then wanted to know why Ruth consistently responds to getting the thing she has asked for with squeals of joy. Well, it could just be the joy of getting something she wants. But I've noticed that she does this primarily when she has made a verbal request, and the level of joy doesn't necessarily correspond to whether it's a few sips of water or a big piece of candy. So this is what I told my son: Ruth has spent the last several months in the frustration of recognizing that while she knows exactly what she wants, she can't seem to articulate her desires in a manner that anyone understands. She repeats the same phrase over and over and just gets a blank stare... or 15 different things held up questioningly, none of which are the desired object. But now, at long last, she can say something and even if no one else computes, at least Mommy does. I think her reaction of joy is not so much of getting what she wants, but of finally being understood.

Don't we all love to be understood? We hate to feel inarticulate, unable to put thoughts to words, unable to communicate the desires and feelings of our hearts in a way that even our closest friends can fully grasp. We often mark the deep kinship of a spouse or friend by the way they get what we mean even when others don't, when they complete our sentences, when they get the look in our eyes before we even catch the meaning ourselves. We get angry when others misjudge our meaning and intention. We are greatly comforted by the encouragement of someone else who has "been there".

Indeed, the moment that I first began to really feel a bond with Nathan was after I had explained to him that due to frustrations in a recent relationship and the ensuing emotional turmoil, I needed to take things slow and not get involved too fast. The words that got me were these: "I know I can't completely understand what you're going through, but as much as I can understand, I do (and I'm not going anywhere)."

The comfort of being understood is one of the reasons that I love these verses:

"Then the LORD said, 'I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters. I know their sufferings, and I have come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land to a good and broad land, a land flowing with milk and honey...'" (Exodus 3:7-8)

"Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted... For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 2:17-18, 4:15-16)

But what about when we feel that we don't have the words to draw near with any confidence, when we don't even fully understand what is on our hearts, or what we need?

"Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." (Romans 8:26-27)

Sometimes we feel like the toddler who just can't get their message across. Sometimes we don't seem to be getting an answer when we've asked the same question 20 times, and we wonder if God is listening and comprehending. How joyful it should make us to realize that the Father gets every word, that Jesus can make sense of the babble of a human life, that the Spirit is translating our needs and desires even when we don't know what they are, so that we are fully understood by our God.

This Christmas, be delighted by the fact that the transcendent, almighty God has made such point of understanding the weak and lowly people he created that he has come down, lived the life we live, made a way for us to have a relationship with him through his death on the cross, and sent his Spirit to continually intercede for us when our words fail! We are understood.

The Magnitude of Commitment

Well, here I am again. It's been a fast-paced month of final preparations for the wedding of one of my younger sisters. For over two weeks, our house was a revolving door with various family members cycling in and out. On more than one occasion, our kitchen was the site of baking extravaganzas and craft fests. And while we don't hold the record for mileage (my mother took a brand new car out of the rental lot and returned it 2 weeks later with over 2500 clicks!), we put well over 1000 kms on our vehicle. It felt almost odd yesterday to leave the car parked in the driveway all day long! But all the planning and working and running and hosting were well worth it. It was a joy to see our dear sister united before God to a faithful, godly man who is suited to her and loves her well, and to send them off into holy matrimony with our blessing. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Jan and Elizabeth Chen!

One of the benefits of a family wedding was that it brought my two living grandparents to town. I had seen my paternal grandmother this past summer, but I hadn't seen my maternal grandfather since another sister's wedding 4 years ago. At one point, he was over at our house and during a lull in the activity, I found him reading our wedding vows, which hang on our wall next to our wedding photo. They're the traditional ones--the ones that pledge to remain faithful for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, as long as we both shall live. When he finally turned around, he wondered aloud, "What do most people say these days?" speaking of the more temporary nature of many "modern" marriages. Then he added, "Of course, we didn't understand the magnitude of that commitment when we made it." And then he began to talk about his 62 years of marriage to my grandmother, years that aside from the normal strains and tensions of two sinners living in the same house included loving her through cancer, multiple sclerosis, two terrible car accidents (same intersection, different drunk drivers, 10 years apart) and in her final years, dementia. He's still a strong man, all his wits intact, getting up on chairs to hang pictures at midnight during the clean-up after the wedding. But that was never an excuse for him to run off and do his own thing, to not spend hours almost every day sitting with my grandma at the nursing home, helping her in her great weakness. And despite all they went through together, and all he went through alone at the end when death finally parted them, he still speaks of her with great love and obvious care.

You know, I'm pretty sure very few, if any, of us truly understand the magnitude of the commitment we make when we solemnly vow before God and his people that we will be faithful until death, even when that includes worse and poorer and sickness and sorrow. We may mean every single word, but we can't understand the full extent of that promise until the test comes. And marriage is glorious and full of many joys, but that test WILL come. Whether it's circumstantial hardships like rattling cars with no money for repairs, the whole family coming down with the stomach flu at once, disabilities, cancer or lay-offs, or whether it's the "worse" of  being stabbed through the heart by the hurtful words or actions of your own "second half", or of your own sinful words and actions against them, the tests come to every couple. We live in a sin-cursed world; we marry sinners; we ARE sinners... there's no way around hardship in life and marriage. And it's not in the sunny times, but in those dark mercies that the magnitude of our commitment becomes clear.

But this is exactly why marriage is such a beautiful and striking picture of Christ and the Church. The reason that marriage is meant to last until death is not because we need the helping hand, the companionship or the intimacy until our final days. It's not primarily about us and our needs. And it's not because it's easy, either. Marriage is permanent because Christ's commitment to his church is permanent, fixed, absolute, never changing, always enduring. Christ never looks at his people and says, "Well, I know I said I'd stick it out until the end, but really, I didn't know what I was getting in to. These people! If you only really knew them, you'd understand why I just can't put up with it anymore!" He never looks at our weakness and repeated failures and says, "This is not the person I married. I don't even know who you are anymore!" No, even when we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself (2 Tim. 2:13) He says he will never leave or forsake us, he means every word, and he does fully understand the magnitude of his commitment, because he went to the cross to have us, even while we were still weak sinners.

It is God's unswerving faithfulness to his word that is an anchor for our souls, the rock that enables us to remain faithful to our promises even in the midst of heavy storms and deep darkness. And it is God's unrelenting faithfulness to his people that is the refuge of hope, peace and forgiveness for all believers with failed marriages and broken promises.

When I think about my grandpa's 62 years of faithfulness to my grandma, all the way until her dying day, it is but a small reflection of my Saviour's faithfulness to me. And it is my prayer for Elizabeth and Jan, for Nathan and I, and for all of us, that our marriages will display the magnitude of the glorious commitment Christ has made to his church and that they may be a picture of God's incomprehensibly great faithfulness to his people before our children and grandchildren, and before a watching world, that coming generations might sing the praises of our God and the magnitude of his commitment to his bride.

Anxious Body, Thankful Heart

The first time it happened to me, I was in the middle of a choir rehearsal at church, about 10 years ago. All of a sudden, for no reason I was aware of, my heart felt like it was racing away and my whole body started to get that tingly pins-and-needles sensation. We didn't know what was going on, and since I was saying my chest hurt and I thought I might pass out, someone called the paramedics. They administered oxygen, but since that made me feel quite a bit better and my vital signs were normal, there was no further testing and I went home. It didn't take too long for that experience to fade, and I didn't think much of it until it happened again almost 3 years ago, during my last pregnancy. This time it was far worse--something was sitting on my chest and I began to feel like I couldn't breathe. It was the middle of the night, but I woke Nathan up in a panic and he called the hospital. As he relayed the nurse's questions to me and I was forced to talk, the tightness slowly began to ease, and eventually, whatever was weighing down my chest jumped off and ran away, though it left me shaken and wiped out. It was at this point that we recognized this as a panic attack. It was also at this point that these attacks gradually became more frequent, until last fall, when they began occurring at least once a week. We thought something might be wrong with my heart that was triggering the panic response (considering my family history, that wouldn't be surprising), but several trips to the ER and for all kinds of testing and monitoring turned up nothing but occasional palpitations in an area consistent with stress. In other words, my body was just reacting to stress in an extreme way. And the frequency of the attacks was exacerbated by the fact that I was having such frequent attacks, since they leave you feeling mentally strained and physically exhausted, which in turn, raises stress levels. It can be a vicious cycle. Thankfully, in answer to many prayers, the regularity of these episodes decreased significantly after a few months, and I've only had one or two major attacks since then. But even now, it is not uncommon for me to have minor symptoms at night when I lie down to sleep, especially if it has been a busy day.

And so it was encouraging for me to read Stephen Altrogge's post over at The Blazing Centre this week, in which he talks about his own struggle with physical anxiety.

I appreciated, first of all, that he distinguishes between physical anxiety and worry (or "being anxious"). As he says, worry is a sin. The Bible clearly tells us to be anxious for nothing. But while I can often have physical anxiety symptoms that are compounded when I start to worry about my symptoms, they are very rarely initially triggered by any conscious worry on my part. In fact, these days more often than not, the anxiety attacks don't make me anxious. I can be settling down for a good night's sleep after a fairly busy day, thinking nothing of it, and suddenly feel my heart start to pound. I know what it is now, and it doesn't make me worry (granted, it's a lot easier to keep from worry when you know the cause), but it may keep me awake for a long time just because I'm physically uncomfortable. Even though it's called physical anxiety, manifesting itself in panic attacks, there is often no mental anxiety or panic behind it. It's almost as if my physical body reacts to stress by flipping out, even when my mind is calm and handling things well... even when, at least to the degree that I can tell, I'm entrusting my health and the busyness of the day to the Lord. I struggled for a while with this distinction, worrying that I must be worrying, and that my sin of anxiety must be triggering these episodes. But while it is true that actual sinful anxiety can trigger them, and can certainly compound them, physical anxiety symptoms are, in and of themselves, an involuntary physical reaction. This is very humbling because there is nothing I can really do to fight it. Something is wrong with the way my body functions. I mean, I can take medication (I'm not, but I have nothing against it, and if things were extreme again, I would be filling a prescription). I can try to minimize stress (when the doctor told me, with my 4 young children in the office, that I needed to lower the amount of stress in my life, I wanted to laugh at him!). But these things can only help so much. It is out of my control, and I can't be released from the effects by appropriating God's forgiveness, sharing my struggle with a godly friend and seeking to walk in obedience by the Spirit's help. I can't change it, and God has made no promise to change it or even that he desires healing in this area. He may even desire to allow things to worsen, for the sake of my growth in sanctification.

But Altrogge also goes on to talk about how he's learning to see physical anxiety as a mercy (albeit a hard one). I have found the same thing in my own life, and have often thought of it in the same category--as a thorn of weakness sent to demonstrate my need and God's overwhelming strength. I've always been seen as a competent, put-together person who can handle a significant amount of stress and upheaval--"tough as nails", as my husband often puts it. And I've always thought of myself this way, too. That is, I thought of myself that way until last fall. Then God sent 3 months of concentrated physical anxiety into my life that turned me upside down and shook all the change out of my pockets. I would have an attack, and it would be over, but the loss of sleep (for me, they happen most often at night) and the stress on my body would leave me worn down and weak for a few days. Then, just as I'd start to recover, I'd have another attack. It's not easy, or even possible, to be totally competent and put-together when you're not sleeping, your body is running itself down, you don't entirely know what's wrong, and you've still got 4 kids to care for. I began to realize that it didn't take much for me to be put out of commission. I mean, it wasn't like I had cancer, or actual heart problems. They were just panic attacks. But that's how weak I am--my body's reaction to stress is enough to take me out. I began to realize that I couldn't handle the schedule I was on. The human body isn't meant to run indefinitely. I'm limited. I began to come to the very real realization, each time my chest clammed up and I couldn't get my breath, that God holds every next breath in his hand, and it is his to give or take away as he sees fit. And while all this could have made me fall to pieces, or get angry at God, or question his goodness, by God's grace alone, it has actually worked to make me more dependent, more willing to accept my limitations, more humble and more thankful for every day of life and health that I do have. And so, I too am thankful for the hard mercy of physical anxiety.

I had a mild attack just the other night--actually, the same day I read Altrogge's post. It wasn't fun and I lost a fair bit of sleep. But if this thorn is what it takes for me to learn to rest in God's strength alone and to be humble enough to ask for help from others, I'll learn to welcome it. It shows that I am weak and incompetent and my body doesn't even know when to calm down when my mind tells it to, but God is glorious and all-powerful and his being never freaks out when things get a little chaotic or stressful, and HE is the one who empowers me to do what he has called me to do, even when I'm exhausted and something is sitting on my chest. And one day, after this thorn has given him all the glory he has purposed it to give, he will remove it forever! (Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!)

Mysterious Ways

"And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead them along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night. The pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night did not depart from before the people. Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Tell the people of Israel to turn back and encamp in front of Pi-hahiroth, between Migdol and the sea, in front of Baal-zephon; you shall encamp facing it, by the sea. For Pharaoh will say of the people of Israel, "They are wandering in the land; the wilderness has shut them in." And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and he will pursue them, and I will get glory over Pharaoh and all his host, and the Egyptians shall know that I am the Lord.' And they did so." (Exodus 13:21-14:4)

God moves in a mysterious way,
his wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea
and rides upon the storm...

Have you ever felt like you were on a circuitous path in life? Maybe you've given up much to move somewhere you were convinced God led you to go, and yet after some time earnestly seeking to follow God there, you ended up having to go right back to the place from which you came, or somewhere else you never dreamed or wanted to be, feeling like you had little or nothing to show for your sacrifice and upheaval? Or maybe you've taken the right job, followed the Lord's leading into the right ministry, gotten into the right relationship, or pursued that neighbour with the gospel as you believed the Holy Spirit was clearly pushing you to do, only to have no success, to see doors closed, to feel like a failure? We are often so quick, in these circumstances, to wonder when we misunderstood God's leading, where we fell into sin that we're being disciplined for, or if God really cares for us at all.

Israel understood this. I've always thought of their journey out of Egypt toward the Promised Land as a long, but continuous, path which only ended up as 40 years of wandering because of their sin of unbelief. But in reading Exodus 13-17 this time around, I was struck by those words in Ex. 14:2 where the LORD tells the people to TURN BACK. They were headed out of Egypt in victory as the LORD had commanded, and yet they suddenly find themselves going backwards in the direction of Egypt again, where God places them squarely between the Egyptians and an uncrossable sea. Under such circumstances, it really is not surprising that the Israelites respond by complaining to God that he had only rescued them from Egypt in order to kill them (14:10-12). It may not be the godly, faith-filled response of Moses (14:13-14), but it is often our natural human response. There have been times in our life when everything appears to be going "according to plan" ("whose plan?" is an entirely different question!), but there have been other times when we think God is clearly leading us in one direction, and yet it ends in apparent failure, or in years of wandering in the wilderness (see Ex. 16, 17) when we begin to wonder if we somehow fell off God's track. And it is easy in those times to question God, to question his faithfulness, to question his sovereignty, to question his goodness.

As Alec Motyerpoints out, Christians can often simplistically attribute times of failure and suffering either to direct attacks of Satan, as if he's somehow bypassed God, or to our failing to follow God's will for our lives, living outside his purposes. But while Satan does attack (just as Pharaoh was on the attack), and believers do sin (the 40 years in the wilderness was discipline), it is clear here that Israel was led by the clear will of the LORD into wandering, hunger, thirst and battle. They didn't just come to the Red Sea and find Pharaoh behind them because they hadn't moved fast enough, or because Pharaoh overcame God's plan. They didn't head into the wilderness to encounter deadly hunger and thirst because they failed to praise God (see the song of Ex. 15 which is immediately followed by the desert trips in Ex. 16 and 17 where they almost die of thirst). They were led there by the pillar and the cloud--easy to miss because of chapter divisions--and the clear commands of God. And it is God who hardens Pharaoh's heart. The Israelites ended up by the Red Sea and in the wildernesses of Shur and Sin BECAUSE they were right in the centre of God's will and guidance.

Can we explain God's ways with Israel? Not much more than we can explain the mysteries of God's ways with us, which are sometimes deeply perplexing. The text of Exodus tells us that this was part of God's pre-ordained journey to the Promised Land and that his purpose involved the defeat of Pharaoh and the ability of the Egyptians (14:4) and the Israelites (14:30,31) to know that he is the LORD. But why he did it this way, we won't fully comprehend in this life. How much less then can we understand many of the directions our pilgimage to the Promised Land takes us, when we do not have the benefit of hindsight. One day we will see the bodies of our enemies on the shore (14:30), but when we are sitting between the rock and the hard place, the enemy in full pursuit, God's ways seem confusing and shrouded in darkness. When we are in the midst of the wilderness that seems to be way off the route to the land of milk and honey, we are often more aware of our thirst than of the fact that it is the LORD who led us there. At the same time as we decry the "prosperity gospel", far too often we live as if following God will bring us success and ease, and are confused when the path is hard and makes no sense to us. Will we respond like Israel, crying out in confusion, grumbling and anger, and ultimately trying to get to the Promised Land by our own devices? Or will we step forward (or backward!) in faith that the God who guided Israel through much wandering to the land of glory by the pillar and the cloud is the same God who promises both great hardship in this life and also that he will never leave or forsake his people in their circuitous journey toward heaven, where our real citizenship is.

We must remember that Jesus knew this life in the wilderness, too. God's will for him involved not grasping the equality with God that was clearly and rightfully his, leaving the comforts of heaven to live out a human existence with all its trials and tears on earth. The Spirit threw him into the wilderness (Matt. 4) just as he did Israel, and as he often does us. God had a specifically appointed time for a violent and gruesome death for crimes Jesus didn't commit, and it made absolutely no sense to the disciples around him--he was supposed to be the victorious Messiah and yet he was headed toward the cross, something so anguishing that even Jesus prayed that the cup be removed. And yet in all of this, he perfectly submitted himself to the perfect and mysterious will of the Father, that he might take the penalty for all our distrust and angry questions, that he might grant to us a record of perfect submission, that his (and our) ultimate enemy might be defeated and that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters to inherit the Promised Land and the glory of God.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take; the clouds ye so much dread are big with mercy and shall break with blessings on your head... Blind unbelief is sure to err, and scan his work in vain. God is his own interpreter and he will make it plain.

-William Cowper*

*And just in case you think these words were penned by some old guy oblivious to the anguish of living in the hard, mysterious path of Almighty God, read up on Cowper. That's a perplexing life!

A Few Good Links

Lots of good stuff on the web this week! Some blog posts I've enjoyed and found helpful have been:

What Does Your Worship Say About God: "We should worship like rich people! Because we are. We’ve been given every spiritual blessing in Christ! We should sing with more enthusiasm than if we just found out we won the lottery." Good (and convicting) post from Mark Altrogge.

Profound Humility: Not ours, but God's. Joanne Kerr quotes Bruce Ware on the humility of God the Father.

Catechism--With OUR Kids? This is a good, honest article from Kathy Keller on the benefits of teaching your kids catechism questions. I wholeheartedly agree with her--we're already seeing some good come out of the work the older kids have done on the Catechism for Boys and Girls (I can't find the version we use online, but this one is very similar). It also reminded me that we haven't worked on it for a while :) And if you have an iPad, there's a free app for a catechism here, too.

Two more posts on the topic of mothers, failure and guilt

The Good News and Mommy's No-Good, Very-Bad Day: Gloria Furman writes about dealing with those days when Mom's the one "having the afternoon meltdown". Can't say I've ever been there... ;)

After Awful Errands: In a similar vein, with a different spin, Carolyn Mahaney has wise words for those rough days.

Finally, if you live in the States, or can order from amazon.com, The Big Picture Story Bible is on sale for the next day or so for a really good price. We've loved this book for giving our young kids a good overview of biblical theology, and they love the pictures. If you can't take advantage of this sale, it's worth the full price, too.

Loving My Children as Individuals

In the messiness and mundanity of motherhood, I can easily become very aware of my kids' disobedience, weaknesses and annoying habits, and slowly begin to resent them and their intrusion into my life. I begin to deal with them as if they were people to be dealt with, rather than to be loved and welcomed. But God's Word is very clear that children are a blessing and a heritage from the Lord. They are people created in His image, formed under His watchful care, carried by His sovereign hand from birth to death, and arrows to be sent into the future where we cannot go. And just as we are loved by our heavenly Father, we are to love the children He has put into our care.

Just as it takes exercise to have a healthy body that runs well, we do well to exercise our minds toward love for our children. On Saturday, Nathan took the kids out for the morning, and I was able to have some quiet time (two words that often seem illusive to mothers!) to pray for them. This reminded me of two things that I have found enormously helpful in helping me to see my kids and love them for the image-bearing individual people that they are:

1) Praying for them as individuals
Most of the time, I tend to pray for my kids as a group, even if I list them by name. This is not wrong--we pray for all kinds of people by the group that they belong to. But I have found that on the occasions that I break down "my kids" into individual people and pray specifically for each one with his/her own characteristics, areas for thankfulness, areas of concern and desires for their specific walk with God and their specific futures, I come away from that time more thankful for them and more ready to love them as they are, with all their weaknesses and strengths. And indeed, praying for them like this is a way of loving them. (And it is far more than just an exercise!)

2) Doing a character inventory
In order to pray for them as individuals, I need to know them as individuals. I can't pray with specifics if I don't know what their individual traits and needs are--I need to study my kids. There are many ways to do this, some more formal than others, and the particular method of study is a matter of human wisdom (so don't turn it into a law!) One that I have found really helpful is to occasionally set aside a block of time (either early in the morning, after they've gone to bed, or at a time when Nathan can take them out for some daddy time) to do an inventory of each kid. I think through and write down things that I see as their strengths and weaknesses (start with the strengths so that you're encouraged as you go on to the weaknesses, and not disheartened from the beginning!). I list things that they like and things that they don't. I write notes about where I see them in their walk with God (or lack of one). And then I try to think of a few specific ways that I can encourage their strengths, help them in weaknesses and enjoy their "likes" with them. Now that takes a lot of time with 4 kids, and when I say I do this occasionally, I really mean that it doesn't happen nearly as often as I would like! But especially as my kids get older and their characters become more obvious, I want to make it my goal to do a full inventory once a year, and to review it every once in a while for a reminder. Obviously, with very young kids, you'll need a far less detailed method. A list for my relatively non-verbal 2-year-old is going to be a whole lot shorter than the list for my 8-year-old. But even at the age of 2, especially if it's not your first kid, there are likely a few things you can pick out as individual to that child. A really helpful resource for such an inventory (and for other things related to loving your kids) is the book A Mother's Heart by Jean Fleming (Thanks, Joanne Kerr, for giving that to me a few years ago!). Also, it's a good idea to talk through your thoughts or notes with your husband afterward--he may have important insights to add, and may be helped by your observations as well, especially if you're home with the kids far more than he is.

I think the reason that these "exercises" help me love my kids more is that they force me to see them as far more than just "the kids", which is what they can often appear to be when they are running a circus in my home. They help me to see the things in their individual personalities that are precious blessings from God. They encourage me to seek God's help for their weaknesses and for my relationship with each of them. And I become more aware of the ways that they really are growing and changing as the years go by.

What are some things you do to help you love your kids as individuals (or as a group, for that matter)?

Mom Guilt

If you are a mom, I have a question for you: Did you at any point in the last 24 hours feel some measure of guilt about your mothering ability? If so, you are not alone. Almost every mother I've ever known (including me) seems to struggle, at least at some points, with feeling like she doesn't do enough, or she does too much, or she's somehow messing up her children by her inadequacies and sin. Between the desire to prove to their working peers that stay-at-home moms are doing something worthwhile with their days (or to prove to their "full-time mom" friends that working moms actually care for their kids, too) and the inundation of beautiful, creative, time-consuming ideas flooding Facebook, Pinterest and the blogosphere, I'm pretty convinced that the mothers of our generation spend a lot of time straining under the burden of the guilt of not measuring up. Stephen Altrogge at The Blazing Center wrote a post about this last week, and I think what he has to say is helpful. He boils the biblical responsibility of mothering down to 3 things: love God, love your husband, and love your kids by training them in the ways of the Lord. Cake-decorating, homeschooling and hand-stitching their Christmas outfits are not on the list. 

But my concern is that, for Christian mothers who desire to glorify God and live out their faith, there is a source of guilt beyond how many crafts we do or whether we let our kids watch TV, and it is far more subtle. It is the guilt of not always training our children in the ways of the Lord, of not always loving our husbands, of not always delighting in God. If you are a mother who deeply desires to obey the Word, to see your children following the Lord, and to do all things, as much as possible, in a biblical way, it is very easy to become steeped in guilt when you see all the many places where you don't measure up to the standards of the Bible. This guilt may be worldly--your pride may be hurt because you don't manage to read your 4-year-old a chapter of the Bible each day (or even a verse). You may be anxious about the effects of your sin and neglect on the ability of your kids to be productive members of society, or to answer the questions correctly in Sunday School. You may fear that God will punish you for your failings by turning your children away from him. Or your guilt may be godly--you realize that when you fail as a mother, you sin primarily against a Holy God and are truly saddened by the fact that you have not obeyed the commands of your loving Father and have grieved the Holy Spirit. But either way, the guilt must be dealt with. Here are three things I need to think about when I begin to feel that "mom guilt" creeping in (or exploding with a bang!):

1) Am I feeling guilty for worldly reasons, or godly ones? Moms, if we are sitting under a weight of guilt because of pride or anxiety or fear, then our first need is to recognize that our sin is not mainly about US and our self-esteem, or about our relationship with our kids. The God of heaven is holy, and he has commanded us to be holy as he is holy (1 Peter 1:14-16). Any failure in our parenting shows that we do not measure up to his standard of holiness. Our sin is not first and foremost about being a bad parent; it's about sinning against the perfect God of love. If I realize that I'm just concerned about my reputation or the consequences of my actions, I need to pray for the grace to see my sin for what it is: an offense to the God of Holiness. I need to pray for the Spirit's work to lead me to genuine sorrow for my SIN, and not just for its effects. (see 2 Corinthians 7:8-12)

2) Am I feeling guilty over actual sin, or am I merely failing man's standard of righteousness? Christian moms today can choose from a wealth of books and blogs on how to parent in a godly way. Some of these books appeal directly to biblical truth and wisdom; others are really just man's wisdom cloaked in proof verses; some are a mix of the two. (And some may contain little real "wisdom" at all.) It is easy for the mother who earnestly desires to raise her children in a biblical way to hear wisdom principles from respected writers and speakers (and other mothers) and become convinced that these principles are biblical commands. We moms love to have a nice little checklist of "how to get Amy to sit still in church" or "how to train Johnny to serve others" and especially "how to get any kid to obey". And sometimes such a checklist is very helpful. Human wisdom certainly has an important place in parenting. But while the Bible doesn't answer any of these questions with a 5-step make-or-break program, we are sometimes quick to take a wise Christian's practical advice on the matter and turn it into law. Then, when we break this "law", we feel guilty. We may truly feel that we have sinned against God. So when I feel guilty over a presence or lack of something in my mothering, I may need to search the Scriptures (with prayer) to see if what I believe to be biblical really is biblical, and not just the respectable personal opinion of another human. Sometimes the answer is very clear. If I never speak about God or his ways to my children, I am clearly failing to obey the Bible (Deut. 6:4-8, among many others). Other times, it takes greater discernment. Keeping a regular schedule during the day may be a very wise thing to do, but while the Bible speaks to the goodness of order and regular times of work and rest, if you have a few days where the whole routine goes down the drain, you have not sinned (at least not necessarily--the cause of the disruption may involve sin, but the actual change in routine is neutral territory). So make sure your guilt really pertains to sin. If it's just a matter of someone else's wisdom, that would be the place to relax, and thank God that only he determines what is sin and what is not.

3) Now if my guilt is over real sin, then I must not stay there. It is time to repent, to confess my sin to God to seek, by the work of the Spirit, to turn away from my sin, and to appropriate God's forgiveness. I may also need to confess my sin to my children (and/or husband) and ask for their forgiveness. And here is where "mom guilt" ends. The glorious truth in all this is that the mother who truly repents has no more reason to sit under the burden of guilt. In fact, she MUST NOT! The repentant mother is FREE from her sin, because the Bible promises that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). Every mother--and indeed, every Christian--should memorize verses like that (just my wisdom, though!). Yes, there are mothers who are lazy about their parenting, though to be honest, I've met very few (see also this article from the Gospel Coalition.). Yes, sin is real, parental failure is real, and its effects on our children are real. But if we sit under the weight of that sin even after we have repented before God, if we allow ourselves to believe that it's all over and we're lost (or our kids are lost) because we blew it, if we refuse to believe that God can really forgive THAT sin, then we've made God too small in our eyes. God is greater than ALL our sin, and his grace is more than sufficient to cover even the worst sin and failure. Mothers, Jesus bore the awful weight of the cross so that you wouldn't have to bear the guilty weight of your sin. God would actually be unjust to hold our sin against us, because the penalty has already been paid once and for all by Jesus. If you are guilty over your sin today, run to Jesus. If you are broken over the way you've failed your kids, run to Jesus. If you can't see your way out of your parenting mistakes, run to Jesus. We do not have a high priest who stands over us with the law, burdening us with the guilt of our mothering failures, holding our children hostage until we "get it right". We have a high priest "who has been tempted in every way, just as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:15,16)

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." (Romans 8:1-4)

Be free, Christian mothers! Be free from the guilt of not making enough beautiful birthday cakes for your kids, free from the guilt of not teaching them all their letters before they go off to kindergarten, free from the guilt of never having time or energy (or insanity) for fingerpainting. And as you repent, be free from the guilt of forgetting to go over their memory verses, free from the guilt of spending too much time on the internet instead of praying for them, free from the guilt of disciplining in anger, free from the guilt of every sin that has been paid for at the cross (and for those who are in Christ, that is every single one!). Sin is serious and we must run from it. But God's grace at the cross is serious, too, and we must run to it. 

Are you running toward freedom today? Let's run to Christ and be free from our mom guilt!

Good Music For Bad Days

Music is a gift from God. It is a way of drawing your entire body into focused worship. And when we feel joyful, singing a song of praise is a natural and fitting response. But music is also a great blessing when we are struggling to remember why we should even want to be joyful. Depending on the style, it can energize when the body is tired, or calm when the mind is agitated. And there is something about truth put to music that can lift the soul and nail home reminders of grace in a way that spoken words do not always manage. Music can also be sung or listened to at times when sitting down to meditate on the written Word is not always possible. I make starting the day with Scripture a priority, but once the kids are up and the household is in full spin, a great recourse for those times when my soul is restless and grace seems far away is to put on a good, God-glorifying CD and soak in the truth while I wash the dishes or snuggle the injured kid. Just this morning, one grumpy child affected the mood of the entire household, and seeing as schoolwork wasn't getting done amid the howling anyway, I put a halt to things and we all sat and listened (and I sang along) to a prayer for Jesus to light up our dark morning. It's amazing to me how quickly the kids will often quiet down and listen, too. Now I'll be honest: it doesn't always "work" with the kids the same way it affects me. After the first song, I put on one about how generous God is, and halfway through, two of the kids were back to fighting over who got to lie on a certain pillow! But there are still benefits to listening with the kids. One is that my attitude is lifted to see God's glory and remember his grace, so that even if the kids fight for the rest of the day, I can come at it with a calmer heart. Another is that they are observing a pattern of running to truth in the midst of trial that will hopefully bear fruit later.

I have certain songs and albums that I regularly come back to when I need truth-filled grace for tough days. Some are calm and reflective; some bring weeping; others are energizing or majestic. I've been known to put one or two songs on repeat until my kids beg to listen to something different :) Your musical preferences may be different, but here are some of my favourites (in no particular order):

Come Weary Saints  Sovereign Grace Music (album)

Awaken the Dawn  Keith and Kristyn Getty (album)

Beauty Will Rise  Steven Curtis Chapman (from Beauty Will Rise)

Faithful  Steven Curtis Chapman (from Beauty Will Rise)

Shine Into Our Night  Sovereign Grace Music (from The Gathering)

Generous King  Sovereign Grace Music (from The Gathering)

All I Have Is Christ   Sovereign Grace Music (from The Gathering)

There is a Higher Throne  Keith and Kristyn Getty (from In Christ Alone)

In Christ Alone   Keith and Kristyn Getty (from In Christ Alone)

Looked Upon    Na Band (album)

Just As I Am   Andrew Peterson (from Love and Thunder)

High Noon    Andrew Peterson (from Love and Thunder)

The Silence of God   Andrew Peterson (from Love and Thunder)

After the Last Tear Falls  Andrew Peterson (from Love and Thunder)

Our Song From Age To Age   Sovereign Grace Music (from From Age to Age)

You Never Let Go   Matt Redman (from Passion: Everything Glorious)

Soul Anchor    Michael Card (album)

Unveiled Hope    Michael Card (album)

This Changes Everything    Matt Papa (album)

What are some of your favourite songs that point you to Christ?

Clinging... Upheld

It's been that kind of week... the kind that makes you want to go bury your head under your pillow until someone comes to tell you it's all over. Long, busy days; kids unfocused on schoolwork; a 2-year-old making messes every which way I look; physical and mental exhaustion; fighting against that little demonic voice that tells me to throw in the towel and run away--those have been my circumstances. And then on top of that, sins of impatience, anger, lack of mercy, despair and ultimately the sin of unbelief. Assaulted from without and within. Have you ever had a week like that?

One of the things I've often struggled with in these times is that what I want is to be full of joy and delight in God, even in the midst of difficult circumstances, so that (in addition to the joy and grace of being joyful) my kids will see that my God is enough, that my God is delightful, that my God is worth losing everything to have. But what I sometimes am is just fighting: fighting against that fall into the pit of despair, fighting to remember grace, fighting to behold Christ, fighting to delight. And sometimes, I fail. I give in to despair; I despise mercy and strangle my debtor; I lose sight of Christ in the busyness of life; I place my delight in well-behaved kids and things being easy.

I am a fighting, frequently failing, feeble mom. And my kids see it. They won't be the kids who grow up and recount how their mother was always patient, always gentle, always serving with a smile. My son recently recounted to me several occasions over the course of his 5 short years when I had lacked mercy and gentleness in my dealings with him. And though I had forgotten most of them, he remembers. They see. It's not enough to say that the years will wash it all away and they'll forget and rise up and call you blessed anyway, so don't worry about it. Sin and failure don't just disappear with the years.

So is there any hope for me when things are tough and I feel like I can barely hold on? The answer to that question is a resounding YES. When I am struggling, I frequently return to Psalm 63, which starts with David in the wilderness seeking God. His is not a "happy-happy-joy-joy" kind of seeking; it is a thirsting, fainting, dry and weary sort of seeking. It is desperate. And so he meditates on God's power and glory, not his own. He meditates on God's steadfast love, not his own. He sings because God has been his help in the past, and is his shelter in the present. And then he says, "My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Years and years ago, as I was reading this psalm and came to that verse, a picture came to my mind of a huge foot standing over a great chasm, and me hanging on to that foot for dear life as I swung out over the endless pit. I was minuscule in comparison to the foot, and my tiny hands could barely cling to the big toe. I was slipping, but doing my best to hold on. And then as the picture came into focus, I suddenly realised that all the time, there was underneath my tiny form a huge, steady hand, holding me up as I clung. I was grasping with all my weak strength, and that had been all I could see, but I was really being held up by that steadfast hand all the while. This is so often a picture of my daily life. I am fighting, barely holding on, seeking to persevere but struggling. And yet, "what is referred to as 'the perseverance of the saints' is in fact the perseverance of the Lord with those he has called".* It is not I who persevere, but God who perseveres with me and makes me persevere.

Our God is not merely the God of the happy, ever-smiling man who even in suffering never asks "why?", of the preacher whose every sermon is a "must listen", of the mother who sings her way through every diaper change. Our God is also the God of Abraham, Jacob, Moses, Job, David, Peter and Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. He is the God of real, struggling, agonizing human beings, and he is the God who holds them steadfastly in the palm of his hand, preserving them till the end, even as they fight to trust.

If my children can't see that I do everything with a smile and a song, then I want them to see that when the going gets tough, I am repenting, I am fighting, I am clinging. I want them to see that my God is worth fighting to trust, worth fighting to delight in, worth seeking even when joy is far away and life looks dismal. I want them to see the God who is so committed to his people that he came down to bear the full weight of their sin in the agony of the cross, who knew crushing darkness so that we could have the hope of glory. I want them to see the God who upholds his grieving, weeping, sinning people. I want them to see the God who carries his people to the end and never lets go, even when they are tempted to. And that is a God who is enough, who is delightful, who is worth losing everything to have.

It's been that kind of week... the kind where our glorious, redeeming God shows his power in my weakness and his grace in my sin. And though that might not make for a pleasant week, it is still cause for rejoicing.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." (1 Peter 1:3-9)


*(Alec Motyer, The Message Of Exodus)

The God Who is Adequate

"But Moses said to God, 'Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?' He said, 'But I will be with you, and this shall be the sign for you, that I have sent you: when you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain.'" (Exodus 3:11-12)

Alec Motyer, in The Message Of Exodus, comments on this passage:

Moses' first problem was his sense of personal inadequacy, the 'What? Me?' syndrome. Moses said, 'Who am I?' and the Lord replied, 'But I...'. Notice the Lord's graciousness here in not trying to deny Moses' inadequacy. How differently we react to each other. Somebody comes to us and says, 'I'm not really up to it,' and we immediately and thoughtlessly reply, 'Of course you are!' That is not the way the Lord dealt with Moses--or the way he deals with us. He does not sweep the difficulties we feel aside. Moses said, 'Lord, I'm not adequate', and the Lord said, 'No, but I am!' He accepted Moses' self-estimate and graciously promised his presence as adequate for the inadequate man. He neither said to him, 'Of course you're adequate,' denying Moses' feelings, or did he say to him, 'It doesn't matter.' He accepted Moses' sense of inadequacy as one of the facts of the situation, but then countered it by the adequacy of his own presence...
Furthermore, the Lord's reaction was not to promise to make Moses adequate, somehow to transform him into someone who was up to the task. (Although this is what he did as time went on.) What he did promise was the sufficiency of his own presence. In other words, he called Moses to a position of faith--to go into this work not expecting to be a different man but expecting a sufficient God. He met Moses' inadequacy with the pledge of his own sufficiency, and called Moses to believe the promises and to demonstrate the obedience of faith.

Are you up to the task today? Are you adequate? I'm not! But the God who has called us to today's work IS adequate, and will be sufficient for us as we carry out that work in the obedience of faith--be it mothering our children, loving that unlovable neighbour or sharing the gospel with a friend or family member over Thanksgiving dinner.

Grace For the Heart of Anger

I promised one more book revisit, but I'm actually going to tackle two books at once today, since they both deal with parenting, and I think the one needs the other.

When I last mentioned The Heart of Angerby Lou Priolo, I was only a few chapters in. Having now finished it, I would still recommend it, but with a caveat. This book on dealing with angry children has very helpful, concise sections on common mistakes parents make (I identified with several of them) that provoke kids to anger, how to talk your child through their angry response to something, how to respond when your child attempts to manipulate you, and how to give your child a framework for respectfully appealing your decisions when they feel them unfair. Although I don't know if we'll ever actually use the paper worksheets recommended in the book after "anger episodes", (as a verbal exchange in discipline situations, I think they're very useful), I was tracking with Priolo until the very last chapter, which attempts to answer the question "But what if this doesn't work?" That's where he lost me.

Priolo's answer to the question is pretty short (the chapter is only 3 pages long): If a counselee makes the claim that he "tried it God's way and it didn't work", "one of two things is wrong: either the counselee did not really do it God's way or he did not do it God's way long enough." He then goes on to briefly expand the idea that if the methods in his book don't "work", you're either not doing it all, or you haven't done it long enough to see change. He never defines what it means for these methods to "work", but one assumes that he means your children will gain control over their anger and your home will be peaceful. Now, it is true that if you only use part of a method it may well be less effective, and I fully agree that good parenting is the process of applying consistent principles over the long term, but scripturally, I don't think you can claim that doing things "God's way" will always "work" in the earthly, happy-ending, easy sense of the word. This answer seems overly simplistic to me and leans too heavily on the idea that if we can only parent well, our children will turn out the way we want them to.

Good parenting doesn't guarantee successful (or godly) kids. If the ability of our children to control their anger and live a quiet and godly life depends solely (or even mostly) on our ability to always do everything thoroughly and consistently for 18 (or more) years, then our kids are all doomed. What parent has ever, in the history of the universe, parented their children without multiple errors, sinful reactions, and at least some inconsistency? Abraham, Isaac and Jacob are the great patriarchs, honoured for their faith in Scripture, and yet they all played favourites with their kids. David was a man after God's own heart, but his kids are no paragon of virtue. Even Jesus' parents made mistakes, and he had to (respectfully) rebuke them. Although I should take my responsibility as a parent very seriously, I don't want my kids' eternal or even earthly destiny to rest on my ability to be a good, consistent parent who uses the "right" method.

When Priolo discusses the importance of consistency earlier in the book, he says, "[The children] should know that each offense will be treated justly and equitably regardless of their parents' emotional, spiritual, or physical condition at the time of discipline." I agree. That is the ideal. But can I be realistic for a minute? Have you ever had a discipline situation while your head is over the toilet in the middle of first trimester pregnancy? Have you ever been so emotionally and physically drained at the end of a LONG day, that even though you try hard to listen, you still have to ask 5 times what happened, and even then, you have no clue how to apply Scripture to the situation? I'm not saying we shouldn't pray for strength and wisdom and seek to do our best in even the worst of circumstances. I'm just saying that I don't know any parent who handles things exactly the same in each and every emotional, spiritual and physical condition at all times, and who always does everything right. We need room for grace.

I love the chapter in Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson's Give Them Gracewhere they deal with the same subject: What about when things don't work? The whole book offers great hope for the imperfect parent, because the main theme is that God doesn't deal with our children's souls exactly in keeping with our parental ability and faithfulness. Just because you're a "good" parent doesn't mean God owes you fantastic, godly children. He's never promised that. And just because you make mistakes doesn't mean your children are going to be criminal basket-cases who hate God and you, too. We are called to be faithful, yes, but all good in our children is only by God's grace; any good in our parenting that positively affects them is by His grace, too. And His grace is sufficient for parental sins, from the smallest, most mundane to huge, life-changing errors. As Fitzpatrick and Thompson discuss God's glory in our sin and our children's sin in the chapter Weak Parents and Their Strong Savior, they rightly qualify things by saying,

We're not encouraging anyone to sin. God hates sin. We should hate it, too. And because we never know what God's will is before it is accomplished, we must always assume that it is his will to be glorified by our obedience rather than by our disobedience. We must continually strive with all our might for the 'holiness without which no one will see the Lord' (Heb. 12:14)

But for all those times that parents do sin, or all those times that parents do (most) everything right and the child still rebels, they write,

The weaknesses, failures, and sins of our family are the places where we learn that we need grace too. It is there, in those dark mercies, that God teaches us to be humbly dependent. It is there that he draws near to us and sweetly reveals his grace. Paul's suffering [in 1 Corinthians 12] teaches us to reinterpret our thorn. Instead of seeing it as a curse, we are to see it as the very thing that keeps us 'pinned close to the Lord'.

God is glorified even through the darkest, most sinful aspects of our family life when these things turn us to him and his abundant grace in our weakness and failure. This is sometimes the only way that things work out in our parenting. While we don't always understand this, there are times when the only real happy ending is that we are driven closer to our Lord. I love this paragraph:

We think that compliant children will best teach us about his grace and the gospel, and they can. Compliant, believing children are frequently reflections of his great kindness. But the Lord also teaches us of his grace and the gospel through difficult children. We learn what it is like to love like he loved. We learn how to walk in his footsteps, and it is there, in our personal 'upper room', where we learn how to wash the feet of those who are betraying us. It is there, kneeling before our rebellious children, that the real power of God is demonstrated. The compliant child's life lies to us, assuring us that she is good because we're such good parents. Difficult children tell us the truth: God loves his enemies, and he can infuse us with grace that will make us lay down our lives for them too. Their rebellion is a verification of the gospel: we produce sinful children because we are sinners, but God loves sinners. God's power is displayed through our failures when we tether ourselves to the gospel message of sin and forgiveness [not to our thoroughness or consistency], no matter how desperate the situation becomes.

I am thankful for the variety of parenting books out there, including The Heart of Angerand Teach Them Diligently, another book from Priolo (which, incidentally, ends on a much more gracious note), that give practical, detailed wisdom to the confused and struggling parent (and really, which of us aren't?). But if I recommend any "methods", however biblically-based, these days I am also quick to recommend Give Them Graceas a biblically gracious lens through which to view that method. I recommend The Heart of Anger for its practical help, but don't leave its efficacy to your own ability to carry out the methods in it. Lean hard on the glorious grace of our heavenly Father, and trust Him to carry out His good, pleasing and perfect will, whether it involves self-controlled, compliant children and energy for the day's parenting, or whether you're weeping over a defiant child or your own lack of mercy while you lean over that porcelain bowl.