"Can we build it? Yes, we can!"
"We did it! We did it! We did it! Yay!"
Soundtrack of my life as a mother--in more ways than one.
Not only do kids' TV shows spout the "I can do anything I put my mind to" mantra. It's what I tell myself... all the time. For that matter, it's what I often hear about myself from others. And maybe it's your constant refrain, too. It's a wonderfully confidence-inspiring idea... If only it were true! Of course, if you've ever tried something like keeping your house perfectly tidy while several children inhabit it, you know that, well, just putting your mind to something doesn't always make it so!
But what about things that are actually possible for a human being? Indeed--and here is where I often struggle--what about areas where you are actually gifted, where you've excelled, or where you at least feel pretty capable? Sometimes--or if I'm honest, most of the time--I like to think that if I CAN do it, I SHOULD do it. It's kind of nice to be Superwoman, wind in my face as I jet through the sky and swoop down to save the day again and again and again, solving problems left and right, getting the job done, lifting enormous piles of responsibility high above my head with an appearance of ease. Having the applause of the people and my own satisfaction at another task completed doesn't hurt too much either.
Except that humans weren't made for this. Inevitably, real-life Superwomen fall from the sky, crushed by burdens they weren't made to bear. It can't all be done and done well. And if you've lived life believing that man was intended for flight, the fall can be hard.
For several years now, I have managed--by some manner of insanity and yes, only by God's grace--to run a household of 6 while homeschooling the kids, having people into our home frequently, baking all our bread and making healthy food from scratch, and blogging more or less regularly, in the midst of life fun including a pile of puppies, flooding, multiple moves, Nathan's major surgery, church planting, and the occasional panic attack. Nothing I felt totally unqualified to handle on its own. But the sum of the parts has proven greater than this woman's capabilities.
This spring, after a last few months of homeschooling that were sending me down a quick path to nervous breakdown, we finally made the decision to send our older three kids to school in the fall. This was not an easy decision. I believe that most any form of schooling can be done in a God-glorifying and family-benefitting way, and we've always been open to reevaluating our schooling choices each year, but now that it's moved out of the theoretical and into reality, I've discovered just how idolatrous my standard for myself really is. It's not that I'm afraid of school; in fact, I'm really excited about this new little school and the expanded opportunities our kids will have there. It's not so much that I'll miss having the kids around during the day; while I'm sure there will be days when I wish they were home, I'm looking forward to having more space during the day for my youngest, for the new business I've started*, and for building relationships within the church, the school and with our neighbours. No, what's made this decision especially difficult is that I won't be a homeschooling mom anymore. It means that I won't have that one massively extra thing on my resume of daily activities that makes people say, "I can't imagine how you do that!" It means that I've failed my own standard for how much I should be able to accomplish in a 24-hour period or a calendar year. Superwoman falls from the sky.
And yet, there is grace for this fallen superhero. Having idols exposed is a gift. Being forced to give up responsibility that was too great is a gracious invitation to rest. Recognizing weakness and limitations is an opportunity to lean hard on the strength that is only to be found in Christ. And getting knocked off my own pedestal brings with it more humility to accept others' limitations, too.
I can't do just anything I put my mind to. And there are times to say "no" even to things I am theoretically capable of, so that I can better serve my Lord, my family, my church, my neighbours. Life is not a superhero action flick or a kids' overly-confident TV programme. There has only really been one superhero, one who could do it all and bear up under it. And he's done it all so that I don't have to. His name is Jesus, and this failed superwoman is laying down her cape at his feet. Because that's precisely where it belongs.
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*Just to be clear, I didn't give up homeschooling in order to work. The work (which is only part-time) comes primarily out of a need to fund the kids' schooling, with the side benefit of being a good way to meet our neighbours.
