I Am What I Am

I've spent much of my life trying to live up to my own standard of who and what I want to be, and who and what I think I should be. Whether it was trying to get twiggy legs as a teenager (a physical impossibility for my body type) or trying to mimic the writing style of my favourite authors or stressing myself out by keeping house in the most idealistic way possible because that's how I've always envisioned it or trying to match my expectations of house rules for the kids to what others around me consider acceptable for their homes, I have taken up a lot of time, thought and effort with striving to fit a mold.

But all that leads to is frustration and stress. Trying to fit myself into a predefined earthly mold--my own or my friends' or my society's--requires bending and twisting and crushing. It often requires me to be something I'm not, and places on my back the heavy burden of conformance to legalistic, man-made standards I'm not meant to carry.

And so it has introduced great freedom into my life to begin to realize that the only mold I'm meant to fit is God's, and that while He has a common mold for all human beings as far as standards of righteousness go, within that mold He has fashioned a unique shape for each and every individual person in determining gifts, abilities, limitations, culture, family background, styles and aesthetic preferences. There's that saying we sometimes use to describe unique people--"They broke the mold when they made you." But actually, it's true of each of us, and something to rejoice in. Our unique personalities reflect the diversity and creativity of our God, and together they contribute to a beautiful symphony, each instrument playing its unique but complementary part.

I'm not talking here about justifying actual sin by saying, "That's just the way I am!" I'm not talking about refusing to seek growth in skills and understanding, or about not trying new things. I'm not referring to an individualism that avoids making peace with others by compromising on mere preferences and instead upholds its own personal ideals as the objective standard of all. It's not about being non-conformist for the sole purpose of bucking the status quo. Nor is this an excuse to keep from serving in ways that are necessary, but somewhat unpleasant to me.

I'm just saying that I am who God has made me to be, and I can't change that, nor should I. Within the boundaries of God's holy standards, I am free to be me, to enjoy the things that I enjoy, to operate according to my own styles and methods, without worrying about earning a certain status or respectability in the eyes of mortal man. I don't need to be the uber-blogger: that woman who manages witty and helpful daily posts for her international readership while holding down the fort at home with her 6 children (though I should strive to write as best as I can). I don't need to be the woman who decorates her home like a magazine picture, whose quiet, extremely tidy children are making their own clothes by the time they are 5 (my kids are fun and loud and Nathan is a better decorator than I am). I don't need to like art galleries (though I can joyfully go to one if it brings pleasure to friends and loved ones), or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (though I'll eat one without complaint if that's what I'm served). To be honest, my coolness factor and ability to balance a lot of plates are quite a bit lower than what I'd like to think. But that's okay. I am what I am. And by the grace of God, I'll continue to be what He made me to be.

Nathan and I were thinking about this the other night when we went out for a date. After we walked around the mall a bit, spending a little time in Toys R Us, we went to a local pub for dinner, and then took a trip to Superstore in search of some Hagen Daas to round off the evening, but ended up finding some deals and taking care of some Christmas shopping as well. While we were heading to the toy department, having a fun, relaxing time together, Nathan turned to me and said, "Is this sort of lame for a date?" He was thinking of what society has labeled a romantic evening. But we both agreed that even if our date night had taken us Christmas shopping in a big box store, we were enjoying each other, being unashamedly ourselves with each other, and having a great time. In fact, it's not the first time we've done that sort of date. We seem to find ourselves there regularly. And that's okay. If that's what facilitates conversation, allows us to be relaxed, and is our idea of a good time, then it won't be the last time, either. There's no verse in the Bible that says, "And when you date the wife of thy youth, you shall spend the fruits of thy labour upon good foods and drink, with offerings of the flowers of the fields on thy arms. And you shall then procede to a house of fine films and partake in that most pleasant digression" (KJV). Nor does it say, "The only acceptable date is a thrifty coffee and a heart-to-heart conversation" (NLT). Neither will you find, "Pizza and a boardgame at home is where it's at" (The Message). There are no biblical prescriptions for how often or how long dates should be. In fact, the word "date" does not occur in the Bible (unless it refers to the calendar-variety). If Jim and Michelle bond by going to the symphony, that's a good date night for them. If Dave and Amy enjoy each other's company most when they're sitting in an ice cream parlour, they might be fat and happy, but at least they'll be happily married :) We like to eat and wander. That doesn't mean we never branch out and try something different. It just means we don't have to feel like our dates are lame or unacceptable if they don't look like anyone else's. We're free to be Nathan and Sarah, the people and couple God has made us to be. And that's freeing!

This has all kinds of implications for all areas of life, both for us personally (how I manage the home, the parenting methods we employ--our kids are unique individuals, too!, schooling options, what we do with our free time and money, etc.) It also has implications for how I treat others, because they are free to be who God has made them to be as much as I am, and they don't have to fit into my idea of a good mold in order for me to love them, serve them, befriend them or share Christ with them.

Our ultimate identity is not in what we like or dislike, how much we are able to handle in a day without bursting into tears, whether or not we think public school is a good place to send our kids, or how many idiosyncrasies we have. Our ultimate identity is in Christ, and in Christ, I am free to stop striving for man's approval, and joyfully be the Sarah Fullerton God created.