When I last mentioned The Heart of Anger
by Lou Priolo, I was only a few chapters in. Having now finished it, I would still recommend it, but with a caveat. This book on dealing with angry children has very helpful, concise sections on common mistakes parents make (I identified with several of them) that provoke kids to anger, how to talk your child through their angry response to something, how to respond when your child attempts to manipulate you, and how to give your child a framework for respectfully appealing your decisions when they feel them unfair. Although I don't know if we'll ever actually use the paper worksheets recommended in the book after "anger episodes", (as a verbal exchange in discipline situations, I think they're very useful), I was tracking with Priolo until the very last chapter, which attempts to answer the question "But what if this doesn't work?" That's where he lost me.
by Lou Priolo, I was only a few chapters in. Having now finished it, I would still recommend it, but with a caveat. This book on dealing with angry children has very helpful, concise sections on common mistakes parents make (I identified with several of them) that provoke kids to anger, how to talk your child through their angry response to something, how to respond when your child attempts to manipulate you, and how to give your child a framework for respectfully appealing your decisions when they feel them unfair. Although I don't know if we'll ever actually use the paper worksheets recommended in the book after "anger episodes", (as a verbal exchange in discipline situations, I think they're very useful), I was tracking with Priolo until the very last chapter, which attempts to answer the question "But what if this doesn't work?" That's where he lost me.Priolo's answer to the question is pretty short (the chapter is only 3 pages long): If a counselee makes the claim that he "tried it God's way and it didn't work", "one of two things is wrong: either the counselee did not really do it God's way or he did not do it God's way long enough." He then goes on to briefly expand the idea that if the methods in his book don't "work", you're either not doing it all, or you haven't done it long enough to see change. He never defines what it means for these methods to "work", but one assumes that he means your children will gain control over their anger and your home will be peaceful. Now, it is true that if you only use part of a method it may well be less effective, and I fully agree that good parenting is the process of applying consistent principles over the long term, but scripturally, I don't think you can claim that doing things "God's way" will always "work" in the earthly, happy-ending, easy sense of the word. This answer seems overly simplistic to me and leans too heavily on the idea that if we can only parent well, our children will turn out the way we want them to.
Good parenting doesn't guarantee successful (or godly) kids. If the ability of our children to control their anger and live a quiet and godly life depends solely (or even mostly) on our ability to always do everything thoroughly and consistently for 18 (or more) years, then our kids are all doomed. What parent has ever, in the history of the universe, parented their children without multiple errors, sinful reactions, and at least some inconsistency? Abraham, Isaac and Jacob are the great patriarchs, honoured for their faith in Scripture, and yet they all played favourites with their kids. David was a man after God's own heart, but his kids are no paragon of virtue. Even Jesus' parents made mistakes, and he had to (respectfully) rebuke them. Although I should take my responsibility as a parent very seriously, I don't want my kids' eternal or even earthly destiny to rest on my ability to be a good, consistent parent who uses the "right" method.
When Priolo discusses the importance of consistency earlier in the book, he says, "[The children] should know that each offense will be treated justly and equitably regardless of their parents' emotional, spiritual, or physical condition at the time of discipline." I agree. That is the ideal. But can I be realistic for a minute? Have you ever had a discipline situation while your head is over the toilet in the middle of first trimester pregnancy? Have you ever been so emotionally and physically drained at the end of a LONG day, that even though you try hard to listen, you still have to ask 5 times what happened, and even then, you have no clue how to apply Scripture to the situation? I'm not saying we shouldn't pray for strength and wisdom and seek to do our best in even the worst of circumstances. I'm just saying that I don't know any parent who handles things exactly the same in each and every emotional, spiritual and physical condition at all times, and who always does everything right. We need room for grace.
I love the chapter in Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson's Give Them Grace
where they deal with the same subject: What about when things don't work? The whole book offers great hope for the imperfect parent, because the main theme is that God doesn't deal with our children's souls exactly in keeping with our parental ability and faithfulness. Just because you're a "good" parent doesn't mean God owes you fantastic, godly children. He's never promised that. And just because you make mistakes doesn't mean your children are going to be criminal basket-cases who hate God and you, too. We are called to be faithful, yes, but all good in our children is only by God's grace; any good in our parenting that positively affects them is by His grace, too. And His grace is sufficient for parental sins, from the smallest, most mundane to huge, life-changing errors. As Fitzpatrick and Thompson discuss God's glory in our sin and our children's sin in the chapter Weak Parents and Their Strong Savior, they rightly qualify things by saying,We're not encouraging anyone to sin. God hates sin. We should hate it, too. And because we never know what God's will is before it is accomplished, we must always assume that it is his will to be glorified by our obedience rather than by our disobedience. We must continually strive with all our might for the 'holiness without which no one will see the Lord' (Heb. 12:14)But for all those times that parents do sin, or all those times that parents do (most) everything right and the child still rebels, they write,
The weaknesses, failures, and sins of our family are the places where we learn that we need grace too. It is there, in those dark mercies, that God teaches us to be humbly dependent. It is there that he draws near to us and sweetly reveals his grace. Paul's suffering [in 1 Corinthians 12] teaches us to reinterpret our thorn. Instead of seeing it as a curse, we are to see it as the very thing that keeps us 'pinned close to the Lord'.God is glorified even through the darkest, most sinful aspects of our family life when these things turn us to him and his abundant grace in our weakness and failure. This is sometimes the only way that things work out in our parenting. While we don't always understand this, there are times when the only real happy ending is that we are driven closer to our Lord. I love this paragraph:
We think that compliant children will best teach us about his grace and the gospel, and they can. Compliant, believing children are frequently reflections of his great kindness. But the Lord also teaches us of his grace and the gospel through difficult children. We learn what it is like to love like he loved. We learn how to walk in his footsteps, and it is there, in our personal 'upper room', where we learn how to wash the feet of those who are betraying us. It is there, kneeling before our rebellious children, that the real power of God is demonstrated. The compliant child's life lies to us, assuring us that she is good because we're such good parents. Difficult children tell us the truth: God loves his enemies, and he can infuse us with grace that will make us lay down our lives for them too. Their rebellion is a verification of the gospel: we produce sinful children because we are sinners, but God loves sinners. God's power is displayed through our failures when we tether ourselves to the gospel message of sin and forgiveness [not to our thoroughness or consistency], no matter how desperate the situation becomes.I am thankful for the variety of parenting books out there, including The Heart of Anger
and Teach Them Diligently
, another book from Priolo (which, incidentally, ends on a much more gracious note), that give practical, detailed wisdom to the confused and struggling parent (and really, which of us aren't?). But if I recommend any "methods", however biblically-based, these days I am also quick to recommend Give Them Graceas a biblically gracious lens through which to view that method. I recommend The Heart of Anger for its practical help, but don't leave its efficacy to your own ability to carry out the methods in it. Lean hard on the glorious grace of our heavenly Father, and trust Him to carry out His good, pleasing and perfect will, whether it involves self-controlled, compliant children and energy for the day's parenting, or whether you're weeping over a defiant child or your own lack of mercy while you lean over that porcelain bowl.
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