Loving My Children as Individuals

In the messiness and mundanity of motherhood, I can easily become very aware of my kids' disobedience, weaknesses and annoying habits, and slowly begin to resent them and their intrusion into my life. I begin to deal with them as if they were people to be dealt with, rather than to be loved and welcomed. But God's Word is very clear that children are a blessing and a heritage from the Lord. They are people created in His image, formed under His watchful care, carried by His sovereign hand from birth to death, and arrows to be sent into the future where we cannot go. And just as we are loved by our heavenly Father, we are to love the children He has put into our care.

Just as it takes exercise to have a healthy body that runs well, we do well to exercise our minds toward love for our children. On Saturday, Nathan took the kids out for the morning, and I was able to have some quiet time (two words that often seem illusive to mothers!) to pray for them. This reminded me of two things that I have found enormously helpful in helping me to see my kids and love them for the image-bearing individual people that they are:

1) Praying for them as individuals
Most of the time, I tend to pray for my kids as a group, even if I list them by name. This is not wrong--we pray for all kinds of people by the group that they belong to. But I have found that on the occasions that I break down "my kids" into individual people and pray specifically for each one with his/her own characteristics, areas for thankfulness, areas of concern and desires for their specific walk with God and their specific futures, I come away from that time more thankful for them and more ready to love them as they are, with all their weaknesses and strengths. And indeed, praying for them like this is a way of loving them. (And it is far more than just an exercise!)

2) Doing a character inventory
In order to pray for them as individuals, I need to know them as individuals. I can't pray with specifics if I don't know what their individual traits and needs are--I need to study my kids. There are many ways to do this, some more formal than others, and the particular method of study is a matter of human wisdom (so don't turn it into a law!) One that I have found really helpful is to occasionally set aside a block of time (either early in the morning, after they've gone to bed, or at a time when Nathan can take them out for some daddy time) to do an inventory of each kid. I think through and write down things that I see as their strengths and weaknesses (start with the strengths so that you're encouraged as you go on to the weaknesses, and not disheartened from the beginning!). I list things that they like and things that they don't. I write notes about where I see them in their walk with God (or lack of one). And then I try to think of a few specific ways that I can encourage their strengths, help them in weaknesses and enjoy their "likes" with them. Now that takes a lot of time with 4 kids, and when I say I do this occasionally, I really mean that it doesn't happen nearly as often as I would like! But especially as my kids get older and their characters become more obvious, I want to make it my goal to do a full inventory once a year, and to review it every once in a while for a reminder. Obviously, with very young kids, you'll need a far less detailed method. A list for my relatively non-verbal 2-year-old is going to be a whole lot shorter than the list for my 8-year-old. But even at the age of 2, especially if it's not your first kid, there are likely a few things you can pick out as individual to that child. A really helpful resource for such an inventory (and for other things related to loving your kids) is the book A Mother's Heart by Jean Fleming (Thanks, Joanne Kerr, for giving that to me a few years ago!). Also, it's a good idea to talk through your thoughts or notes with your husband afterward--he may have important insights to add, and may be helped by your observations as well, especially if you're home with the kids far more than he is.

I think the reason that these "exercises" help me love my kids more is that they force me to see them as far more than just "the kids", which is what they can often appear to be when they are running a circus in my home. They help me to see the things in their individual personalities that are precious blessings from God. They encourage me to seek God's help for their weaknesses and for my relationship with each of them. And I become more aware of the ways that they really are growing and changing as the years go by.

What are some things you do to help you love your kids as individuals (or as a group, for that matter)?