But my concern is that, for Christian mothers who desire to glorify God and live out their faith, there is a source of guilt beyond how many crafts we do or whether we let our kids watch TV, and it is far more subtle. It is the guilt of not always training our children in the ways of the Lord, of not always loving our husbands, of not always delighting in God. If you are a mother who deeply desires to obey the Word, to see your children following the Lord, and to do all things, as much as possible, in a biblical way, it is very easy to become steeped in guilt when you see all the many places where you don't measure up to the standards of the Bible. This guilt may be worldly--your pride may be hurt because you don't manage to read your 4-year-old a chapter of the Bible each day (or even a verse). You may be anxious about the effects of your sin and neglect on the ability of your kids to be productive members of society, or to answer the questions correctly in Sunday School. You may fear that God will punish you for your failings by turning your children away from him. Or your guilt may be godly--you realize that when you fail as a mother, you sin primarily against a Holy God and are truly saddened by the fact that you have not obeyed the commands of your loving Father and have grieved the Holy Spirit. But either way, the guilt must be dealt with. Here are three things I need to think about when I begin to feel that "mom guilt" creeping in (or exploding with a bang!):
1) Am I feeling guilty for worldly reasons, or godly ones? Moms, if we are sitting under a weight of guilt because of pride or anxiety or fear, then our first need is to recognize that our sin is not mainly about US and our self-esteem, or about our relationship with our kids. The God of heaven is holy, and he has commanded us to be holy as he is holy (1 Peter 1:14-16). Any failure in our parenting shows that we do not measure up to his standard of holiness. Our sin is not first and foremost about being a bad parent; it's about sinning against the perfect God of love. If I realize that I'm just concerned about my reputation or the consequences of my actions, I need to pray for the grace to see my sin for what it is: an offense to the God of Holiness. I need to pray for the Spirit's work to lead me to genuine sorrow for my SIN, and not just for its effects. (see 2 Corinthians 7:8-12)
2) Am I feeling guilty over actual sin, or am I merely failing man's standard of righteousness? Christian moms today can choose from a wealth of books and blogs on how to parent in a godly way. Some of these books appeal directly to biblical truth and wisdom; others are really just man's wisdom cloaked in proof verses; some are a mix of the two. (And some may contain little real "wisdom" at all.) It is easy for the mother who earnestly desires to raise her children in a biblical way to hear wisdom principles from respected writers and speakers (and other mothers) and become convinced that these principles are biblical commands. We moms love to have a nice little checklist of "how to get Amy to sit still in church" or "how to train Johnny to serve others" and especially "how to get any kid to obey". And sometimes such a checklist is very helpful. Human wisdom certainly has an important place in parenting. But while the Bible doesn't answer any of these questions with a 5-step make-or-break program, we are sometimes quick to take a wise Christian's practical advice on the matter and turn it into law. Then, when we break this "law", we feel guilty. We may truly feel that we have sinned against God. So when I feel guilty over a presence or lack of something in my mothering, I may need to search the Scriptures (with prayer) to see if what I believe to be biblical really is biblical, and not just the respectable personal opinion of another human. Sometimes the answer is very clear. If I never speak about God or his ways to my children, I am clearly failing to obey the Bible (Deut. 6:4-8, among many others). Other times, it takes greater discernment. Keeping a regular schedule during the day may be a very wise thing to do, but while the Bible speaks to the goodness of order and regular times of work and rest, if you have a few days where the whole routine goes down the drain, you have not sinned (at least not necessarily--the cause of the disruption may involve sin, but the actual change in routine is neutral territory). So make sure your guilt really pertains to sin. If it's just a matter of someone else's wisdom, that would be the place to relax, and thank God that only he determines what is sin and what is not.
3) Now if my guilt is over real sin, then I must not stay there. It is time to repent, to confess my sin to God to seek, by the work of the Spirit, to turn away from my sin, and to appropriate God's forgiveness. I may also need to confess my sin to my children (and/or husband) and ask for their forgiveness. And here is where "mom guilt" ends. The glorious truth in all this is that the mother who truly repents has no more reason to sit under the burden of guilt. In fact, she MUST NOT! The repentant mother is FREE from her sin, because the Bible promises that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). Every mother--and indeed, every Christian--should memorize verses like that (just my wisdom, though!). Yes, there are mothers who are lazy about their parenting, though to be honest, I've met very few (see also this article from the Gospel Coalition.). Yes, sin is real, parental failure is real, and its effects on our children are real. But if we sit under the weight of that sin even after we have repented before God, if we allow ourselves to believe that it's all over and we're lost (or our kids are lost) because we blew it, if we refuse to believe that God can really forgive THAT sin, then we've made God too small in our eyes. God is greater than ALL our sin, and his grace is more than sufficient to cover even the worst sin and failure. Mothers, Jesus bore the awful weight of the cross so that you wouldn't have to bear the guilty weight of your sin. God would actually be unjust to hold our sin against us, because the penalty has already been paid once and for all by Jesus. If you are guilty over your sin today, run to Jesus. If you are broken over the way you've failed your kids, run to Jesus. If you can't see your way out of your parenting mistakes, run to Jesus. We do not have a high priest who stands over us with the law, burdening us with the guilt of our mothering failures, holding our children hostage until we "get it right". We have a high priest "who has been tempted in every way, just as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:15,16)
1) Am I feeling guilty for worldly reasons, or godly ones? Moms, if we are sitting under a weight of guilt because of pride or anxiety or fear, then our first need is to recognize that our sin is not mainly about US and our self-esteem, or about our relationship with our kids. The God of heaven is holy, and he has commanded us to be holy as he is holy (1 Peter 1:14-16). Any failure in our parenting shows that we do not measure up to his standard of holiness. Our sin is not first and foremost about being a bad parent; it's about sinning against the perfect God of love. If I realize that I'm just concerned about my reputation or the consequences of my actions, I need to pray for the grace to see my sin for what it is: an offense to the God of Holiness. I need to pray for the Spirit's work to lead me to genuine sorrow for my SIN, and not just for its effects. (see 2 Corinthians 7:8-12)
2) Am I feeling guilty over actual sin, or am I merely failing man's standard of righteousness? Christian moms today can choose from a wealth of books and blogs on how to parent in a godly way. Some of these books appeal directly to biblical truth and wisdom; others are really just man's wisdom cloaked in proof verses; some are a mix of the two. (And some may contain little real "wisdom" at all.) It is easy for the mother who earnestly desires to raise her children in a biblical way to hear wisdom principles from respected writers and speakers (and other mothers) and become convinced that these principles are biblical commands. We moms love to have a nice little checklist of "how to get Amy to sit still in church" or "how to train Johnny to serve others" and especially "how to get any kid to obey". And sometimes such a checklist is very helpful. Human wisdom certainly has an important place in parenting. But while the Bible doesn't answer any of these questions with a 5-step make-or-break program, we are sometimes quick to take a wise Christian's practical advice on the matter and turn it into law. Then, when we break this "law", we feel guilty. We may truly feel that we have sinned against God. So when I feel guilty over a presence or lack of something in my mothering, I may need to search the Scriptures (with prayer) to see if what I believe to be biblical really is biblical, and not just the respectable personal opinion of another human. Sometimes the answer is very clear. If I never speak about God or his ways to my children, I am clearly failing to obey the Bible (Deut. 6:4-8, among many others). Other times, it takes greater discernment. Keeping a regular schedule during the day may be a very wise thing to do, but while the Bible speaks to the goodness of order and regular times of work and rest, if you have a few days where the whole routine goes down the drain, you have not sinned (at least not necessarily--the cause of the disruption may involve sin, but the actual change in routine is neutral territory). So make sure your guilt really pertains to sin. If it's just a matter of someone else's wisdom, that would be the place to relax, and thank God that only he determines what is sin and what is not.
3) Now if my guilt is over real sin, then I must not stay there. It is time to repent, to confess my sin to God to seek, by the work of the Spirit, to turn away from my sin, and to appropriate God's forgiveness. I may also need to confess my sin to my children (and/or husband) and ask for their forgiveness. And here is where "mom guilt" ends. The glorious truth in all this is that the mother who truly repents has no more reason to sit under the burden of guilt. In fact, she MUST NOT! The repentant mother is FREE from her sin, because the Bible promises that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). Every mother--and indeed, every Christian--should memorize verses like that (just my wisdom, though!). Yes, there are mothers who are lazy about their parenting, though to be honest, I've met very few (see also this article from the Gospel Coalition.). Yes, sin is real, parental failure is real, and its effects on our children are real. But if we sit under the weight of that sin even after we have repented before God, if we allow ourselves to believe that it's all over and we're lost (or our kids are lost) because we blew it, if we refuse to believe that God can really forgive THAT sin, then we've made God too small in our eyes. God is greater than ALL our sin, and his grace is more than sufficient to cover even the worst sin and failure. Mothers, Jesus bore the awful weight of the cross so that you wouldn't have to bear the guilty weight of your sin. God would actually be unjust to hold our sin against us, because the penalty has already been paid once and for all by Jesus. If you are guilty over your sin today, run to Jesus. If you are broken over the way you've failed your kids, run to Jesus. If you can't see your way out of your parenting mistakes, run to Jesus. We do not have a high priest who stands over us with the law, burdening us with the guilt of our mothering failures, holding our children hostage until we "get it right". We have a high priest "who has been tempted in every way, just as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:15,16)
"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." (Romans 8:1-4)
Be free, Christian mothers! Be free from the guilt of not making enough beautiful birthday cakes for your kids, free from the guilt of not teaching them all their letters before they go off to kindergarten, free from the guilt of never having time or energy (or insanity) for fingerpainting. And as you repent, be free from the guilt of forgetting to go over their memory verses, free from the guilt of spending too much time on the internet instead of praying for them, free from the guilt of disciplining in anger, free from the guilt of every sin that has been paid for at the cross (and for those who are in Christ, that is every single one!). Sin is serious and we must run from it. But God's grace at the cross is serious, too, and we must run to it.
Are you running toward freedom today? Let's run to Christ and be free from our mom guilt!
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