I feel like the past couple months have been a season of God exposing various sins in my life, and it hasn't exactly been pleasant. If you've ever had such a season, you know what I mean. We don't like to have our sins exposed. Most of us would be quite thankful to stuff them in the dark back corner of a closet, never to be seen again (and preferably never to be pulled out in the first place). But as I've thought and prayed and meditated on God's Word in this season, I'm also learning to be thankful for sin exposed.
I'm thankful that God sees my sin. We often shudder at the thought of a God who knows all that we do, who sees into the dark back corner of that closet and brings to light what is hidden there. We like to think it would be better if He could just ignore it, or better yet, be completely oblivious to it. But the fact of the matter is that if God didn't see or care about our sin, we'd be stuck with it with no hope of escape. We can't deal with the sin in our lives or its ramifications. "We hope for light, and behold, darkness; and for brightness, but we walk in gloom. We all growl like bears; we moan and moan like doves; we hope for justice, but there is none; for salvation, but it is far from us..." (see Isaiah 59:9-15a)
BUT, the Lord saw it, and yes, it displeased him that there was no justice. And when he saw the sins of the world, ours included, he also saw that there was no man, and wondered that there was no one to intercede, and so his own arm brought him salvation, and he sent a redeemer to his people. (Isaiah 59:15b-20)
Because God is fully aware of our sin and the condemnation it brings, and because he has compassion, he has also provided a way of escape through his son, Jesus, who died to take the penalty for all the sins I'm aware of, and all the ones that are still hidden from my eyes.
I'm thankful that God makes me aware of my sin. I am, of course, also thankful that he does this little by little and not all at once, as that would likely totally destroy me. But if he were simply to deal with the penalty for my sin and never confront me with its existence in my life, I would have at least two problems. One: I would not ever be fully aware of my desperate need for salvation and the ongoing help of the Holy Spirit. It is at the times when I am most aware of my sinfulness that I am also most aware of the beauty of God's grace and mercy toward me at the Cross. I would rather see my sin for what it truly is than to live in a permanent state of apathy toward my salvation. And two: I would never change. Acknowledgement of sin is the first step in turning away from it. Where I am not aware of wrongdoing, I just keep on running over those same ruts, living life the same way and ignorantly persisting in sin. But even as I pray with the Psalmist that God would forgive my "hidden faults", it is good when I am aware of the sin in my life so that I can pray and work toward change. It is far better to grow in grace and become little by little more like my Saviour than to go through life in "peaceful" obliviousness to my hidden faults. So I also pray, "Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!" (Psalm 39:23, 24)
And I'm thankful that sin exposed and repented of is also removed from me as far as the east is from the west!
I don't enjoy having my sins paraded before me. There are days when the weight of my wrongs feels a little too crushing. But this is not a thing to despise. Just as in seasons of peace, these seasons of battle are God's care for his children, showing us that he is aware of our sin and has fully and finally dealt with it, and then making us abundantly grateful for our salvation and turning us bit by bit into the likeness of his perfectly sinless Son, all to his praise and glory. So I will rejoice in sins exposed, thank God for his kindness that leads to repentance, and by his grace turn around to walk in his ways, to the glory of his name.
Showing posts with label Thankfulness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thankfulness. Show all posts
Monday, June 23, 2014
Monday, April 07, 2014
Seeing God's Glory in the Small Steps
We're off for the week, spending time down in Louisville, Kentucky with Nathan's brother and family, and reconnecting with many friends from the four years we lived here, as well as friends we've made on visits since our move back to Toronto, and a few friends FROM Toronto who are here for the same conference we're down for. Louisville is a place where we get to pick up where we left off with several people (Don't you love friends like that?). And it's also a place where we've already heard several times the question we'll hear several more times over the course of the week: How are things going with the church plant?
Depending on who asks it, that question can come with varying amounts of external pressure: everything from the person you know is really hoping to hear about hundreds gathered and many new Christians to the really good friends who would still support you if you told them it had totally failed (it hasn't), and all the people somewhere in between. But regardless of where the asker falls on that continuum, WE feel the desire to be able to talk of great revival and piles of visible fruit. WE want to feel we've accomplished something, that this endeavor is the best thing out there, that we deserve the full support of everyone who asks. And when we don't have an endless supply of stories about how we see God working, it's easy to want to exaggerate, to leave out the unpleasant bits and discouragements, to convince ourselves that things are far better than the reality. I've felt this temptation many times already this week!
Depending on who asks it, that question can come with varying amounts of external pressure: everything from the person you know is really hoping to hear about hundreds gathered and many new Christians to the really good friends who would still support you if you told them it had totally failed (it hasn't), and all the people somewhere in between. But regardless of where the asker falls on that continuum, WE feel the desire to be able to talk of great revival and piles of visible fruit. WE want to feel we've accomplished something, that this endeavor is the best thing out there, that we deserve the full support of everyone who asks. And when we don't have an endless supply of stories about how we see God working, it's easy to want to exaggerate, to leave out the unpleasant bits and discouragements, to convince ourselves that things are far better than the reality. I've felt this temptation many times already this week!
Monday, March 31, 2014
Moving Community
I am sitting on the couch in our new condo, looking out over the lake (and the traffic on the Gardiner) and thinking about God's goodness to us in the way he has answered our prayers for another place to live and, even more, in the way he has lavishly cared for us in both big ways and small over the course of the last 3 weeks. I could spend lots of time detailing all the ways this new place is a blessing, but really, more than the lovely view, the better layout, the possibility of baths again after 6 years without (don't worry; there HAVE been showers) and the pleasant lack of mould, I have been most struck by God's care for us in the community he has surrounded us with. This move has been far more than a single family taking their stuff down the block to a new living space. From start to finish, it has involved a whole community of people, some of them dear friends and others I've only spoken to a few times, some of them in multiple ways and others in just one thing, but one thing that nonetheless made a difference.
It has been a practise of mine, whenever we've experienced mass outpourings of care, to note down the details of how God has blessed us through the generosity and service of others, so as to remember in future circumstances how God has always provided for us in the past, and also because making such lists makes me realize something more of how massive and detailed God's care for us really is. So here is how a community moved us this past month:
- Many, many of you have been praying for us since you heard that we had to find a new place, and have praised God with us since you heard that a place was provided. God has answered the prayers of his people, and we are very thankful for your support!
- A friend and real estate agent kept an eye out for listings, showed us the place 3 weeks ago, handled all the negotiating (including getting the rent down) and the paperwork, and all to no personal financial benefit.
- Another friend, upon realizing how quickly we needed to get out of one place and into another, took it upon herself to handle all the organization of scheduling and labour so that we could focus on packing. This was a huge amount of work off our backs, and allowed us to get everything else done in time.
- The truck rental, plus two movers, was arranged, paid for and completely taken care of by someone else.
- Two different people loaned us piles of boxes so we didn't have to scrounge up or pay for any of our own.
- Various people cared for our kids last weekend during the move so that we could not only have them out of the way for the actual box lifting, but also so that we could get things somewhat arranged in the new place before we added 4 kids to it. One person took them for a full day and overnight, and they had such a good time that when I went to pick them up the next morning, they didn't want to come home. Several others kept them very happily occupied the whole next day, and one more afternoon after that. This meant that we got more done, and the kids still had lots of attention and fun.
- A neighbour took the dog for the weekend and brought us breakfast the morning after the move.
- Another neighbour took care of the pizza for the moving help, though we were the ones who had originally offered to provide pizza for helpers.
- Two different people spent hours cleaning the old place, and someone tidied up the new place before we moved in.
- Our new next-door neighbours greeted us warmly the day we moved in, and showed up a few days later with vouchers for our whole family to attend a kids' film festival next month. They've assured us that they don't mind the noise of the kids at all (praying this will still be the case in 6 months!).
And of course, we are thankful for the several people who disassembled furniture, reassembled furniture, and moved heavy boxes down 4 flights of stairs and then over to the new place (thankfully with the help of an elevator here).
We are expectedly quite tired after a speedy move (hence the lack of post last week), but had we not had all the assistance God provided (and none of it at our own request or initiative), I don't even want to think about how much LESS time and energy we would have, and how much longer the move recuperation period would have been. We prayed that God would show himself to be glorious in the course of this move, and he has done so in many ways, but most of all by moving a community of people to come around us and blow us away with their care, service and generosity. We are incredibly thankful to have a God who so delights to care for his children in every little detail of our lives, and pours out abundant kindness on us even in the midst of trials he sends us, so that we might learn to trust in him as the good Father that he is.
It has been a practise of mine, whenever we've experienced mass outpourings of care, to note down the details of how God has blessed us through the generosity and service of others, so as to remember in future circumstances how God has always provided for us in the past, and also because making such lists makes me realize something more of how massive and detailed God's care for us really is. So here is how a community moved us this past month:
- Many, many of you have been praying for us since you heard that we had to find a new place, and have praised God with us since you heard that a place was provided. God has answered the prayers of his people, and we are very thankful for your support!
- A friend and real estate agent kept an eye out for listings, showed us the place 3 weeks ago, handled all the negotiating (including getting the rent down) and the paperwork, and all to no personal financial benefit.
- Another friend, upon realizing how quickly we needed to get out of one place and into another, took it upon herself to handle all the organization of scheduling and labour so that we could focus on packing. This was a huge amount of work off our backs, and allowed us to get everything else done in time.
- The truck rental, plus two movers, was arranged, paid for and completely taken care of by someone else.
- Two different people loaned us piles of boxes so we didn't have to scrounge up or pay for any of our own.
- Various people cared for our kids last weekend during the move so that we could not only have them out of the way for the actual box lifting, but also so that we could get things somewhat arranged in the new place before we added 4 kids to it. One person took them for a full day and overnight, and they had such a good time that when I went to pick them up the next morning, they didn't want to come home. Several others kept them very happily occupied the whole next day, and one more afternoon after that. This meant that we got more done, and the kids still had lots of attention and fun.
- A neighbour took the dog for the weekend and brought us breakfast the morning after the move.
- Another neighbour took care of the pizza for the moving help, though we were the ones who had originally offered to provide pizza for helpers.
- Two different people spent hours cleaning the old place, and someone tidied up the new place before we moved in.
- Our new next-door neighbours greeted us warmly the day we moved in, and showed up a few days later with vouchers for our whole family to attend a kids' film festival next month. They've assured us that they don't mind the noise of the kids at all (praying this will still be the case in 6 months!).
And of course, we are thankful for the several people who disassembled furniture, reassembled furniture, and moved heavy boxes down 4 flights of stairs and then over to the new place (thankfully with the help of an elevator here).
We are expectedly quite tired after a speedy move (hence the lack of post last week), but had we not had all the assistance God provided (and none of it at our own request or initiative), I don't even want to think about how much LESS time and energy we would have, and how much longer the move recuperation period would have been. We prayed that God would show himself to be glorious in the course of this move, and he has done so in many ways, but most of all by moving a community of people to come around us and blow us away with their care, service and generosity. We are incredibly thankful to have a God who so delights to care for his children in every little detail of our lives, and pours out abundant kindness on us even in the midst of trials he sends us, so that we might learn to trust in him as the good Father that he is.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Reminders of Grace
Last week, I was a mess. Well, actually, I've been something of a mess for the past month, but last week was particularly unpleasant. A perfect storm of hormones, badly planned schedules, deadline pressures and kids who are more than ready for a spring romp around the park left me feeling more monster than human. Or perhaps I just felt more human than I'd like to think I am. I had to repent on far too many occasions of anger, selfishness, impatience, pride and general lack of grace, joy or hope.
So it was in some ways rather amusing for it to be a week in which several different people sent notes about how my writing had been an encouragement to them, and also a week in which we were informed that we make raising four kids look easy, and in which my kids--at their own initiative--put time into writing me letters about how much they love me. It was amusing, and at the same time humbling, because half the time I'm struggling to put into practice the things I write about, and more than half the time raising four kids makes me feel like I'm on the edge of insanity.
The truth is, I'm just an ordinary woman. I lack wisdom, I have to fight unbelief (and I don't always win), and I'm a sinner. I write about putting my trust in God rather than earthly things, and then I have a week where I put my trust in myself and end up like the peg in Isaiah 22 that gives way under the undue pressure put on it. I write about Jesus being my Sabbath rest and then I go through the week just clinging to the hope of some sleep on the weekend. I write about preparing for hormone dips, and then get myself into some trouble by forgetting to do just that. I write about seeing trials as glorious opportunities to see God's work, and then feel like I'm fighting to the death against my craving for comfort and ease. (Just keeping it real here, folks!)
So it was in some ways rather amusing for it to be a week in which several different people sent notes about how my writing had been an encouragement to them, and also a week in which we were informed that we make raising four kids look easy, and in which my kids--at their own initiative--put time into writing me letters about how much they love me. It was amusing, and at the same time humbling, because half the time I'm struggling to put into practice the things I write about, and more than half the time raising four kids makes me feel like I'm on the edge of insanity.
The truth is, I'm just an ordinary woman. I lack wisdom, I have to fight unbelief (and I don't always win), and I'm a sinner. I write about putting my trust in God rather than earthly things, and then I have a week where I put my trust in myself and end up like the peg in Isaiah 22 that gives way under the undue pressure put on it. I write about Jesus being my Sabbath rest and then I go through the week just clinging to the hope of some sleep on the weekend. I write about preparing for hormone dips, and then get myself into some trouble by forgetting to do just that. I write about seeing trials as glorious opportunities to see God's work, and then feel like I'm fighting to the death against my craving for comfort and ease. (Just keeping it real here, folks!)
Friday, December 13, 2013
Generosity: the Antidote to Consumerism
Anti-consumerism. It's the new(ish) theme of Christmas. Black Friday kicks off the fabulous sales AND the annual ranting against materialism and greed. I've said it; you've probably said it: We've all got so much STUFF. That's all Christmas is about anymore: more STUFF. All these trappings... Can't we just go back to being simple? I mean, how many more Legos do the kids possibly need? And all I'm going to get at the gift exchange is another something I don't want--another re-gift for next year. Plus, this pressure to think of something for all 20 people on my list is going to cause me a panic attack!
It's true: there's a lot of time and money spent in December on buying STUFF. And there are plenty of things bought that are of little use. There's a lot of waste out there. And a lot of greed.
But sometimes we use anti-consumerism as an excuse to be stingy. We fight selfishness by being selfish. No one needs extravagant gifts this year because Christmas isn't about gifts... Or really because I don't want to invest the time and money in giving generously. Or because I'm too disillusioned with stuff to be really thankful for God's unfathomable generosity toward me, and therefore have no good reason to let that overflow to others.
It's true: there's a lot of time and money spent in December on buying STUFF. And there are plenty of things bought that are of little use. There's a lot of waste out there. And a lot of greed.
But sometimes we use anti-consumerism as an excuse to be stingy. We fight selfishness by being selfish. No one needs extravagant gifts this year because Christmas isn't about gifts... Or really because I don't want to invest the time and money in giving generously. Or because I'm too disillusioned with stuff to be really thankful for God's unfathomable generosity toward me, and therefore have no good reason to let that overflow to others.Monday, November 18, 2013
Enjoy the Toil! (Meditations on Ecclesiastes)
Now that we've been in the doldrums of Ecclesiastes for a month, I thought it high time to examine the joy that is to be found in this little book... because it is there! Weaving through the futility, oppression, evil and death of the book, there is a strong thread of rejoicing. Over and over again, and sometimes even after the bleakest of statements, the author of Ecclesiastes commands us to "eat and drink and find enjoyment in [our] toil. This also is from the hand of God, for apart from him who can eat or who can have enjoyment?" "There is nothing better than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil--this is God's gift to man."
We live in a world broken by sin, and we feel the weight of it. But at the same time, even in the midst of difficulty and sorrow, we are to find joy in the life we have been given by our good God. Ecclesiastes gives us several reasons to rejoice in this life we have been given:
1) Pleasure and joy are a gift from God. God created this world good, and he lavishes good gifts on us. There are so many things in creation that really have no other function than bringing joy. God didn't have to give us light by way of a sun that creates beauty merely by its rising and setting. He didn't have to create the cocoa bean, or the coffee bean, or grapes that ferment into something pleasing. We could still get along in a world that had no colour, no music, no fleecy-soft inner coat pockets (one I've been enjoying recently). But that is not the world God has given us. He has filled this world with more pleasures than I could list, and he does it so we will rejoice in the goodness of our Creator and give him glory.
2) God's sovereignty gives us freedom to enjoy life. Often I cease to enjoy the good gifts God has given me because I become consumed by stress and anxiety over details of my life that I cannot control. I become a slave to worry. Rather than enjoying the present pleasures, I am wrapped up in thinking about tomorrow, trying to manage the rest of my life in my head. And I defend this with the excuse that if I can figure everything out for the future, then I will really be able to relax and rejoice. But this is a lie. Ecclesiastes reminds us over and over again that this life is not under our control. Our lives, and every detail of them, are firmly in God's hands. This, of course, does not negate any responsibility on our part to be wise and good stewards of what God has given us, but it does mean that we must not spend our time in worry over tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself. If we really believe that our lives are fully in the hand of our very good God (who is so good that he gives us all things richly to enjoy though we do not deserve it), then we gain the great freedom of really enjoying the life we've been given today, even when there are storm clouds on the horizon.
3) Enjoy all the life you have been given because it is short. "Light is sweet, and it is pleasant for the eyes to see the sun. If a person lives many years, let him rejoice in them all; but let him remember that the days of darkness will be many." (Eccl. 11:8) Moses puts it this way in Psalm 90: "The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone, and we fly away. So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom. Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days." This is part of why Ecclesiastes regularly reminds us not only to rejoice in "pleasant" things, but also in the work that God has given us to do, despite that fact that so often it really feels like toil, because we recognize that having work to do means we still have the gift of life.
4) Rejoicing keeps us happily occupied. You're familiar with the phrase "time flies when you're having fun." Ecclesiastes says that isn't too far from the truth. Speaking of the man who rejoices in the life God has given him, it says, "For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart." (Eccl. 5:20) Are you in the midst of difficulty and toil, wondering when it will ever end? Pay attention to all the things you've been given to enjoy, not least of which is the offer of salvation from sin, futility and death through Jesus' death on the cross in your place, and thank God for them. For while a heart of thankfulness does not remove the ache of living in a world stained by sin, it directs our attention off of the hardship we are facing, and toward the good God who has our whole life and all its details in His generous hands, and who graciously gives us so many things to enjoy, though we deserve none of them! And you may well find that the difficulty and toil passes far more quickly than when you focus only on the things you need deliverance from.
Yes, we must be careful not to find our ultimate joy in earthly things that can be taken away at any given time (Eccl. 11:8). Yes, we enjoy life only within the boundaries that God has set for us, recognizing that the day will come when we will have to answer to a Holy God for all we have done (Eccl. 11:9). But we ARE to enjoy what God has given, and thank Him for it.
We are sinners deserving of death, and yet we have been offered life and everything good through Jesus' death on the cross in our place! So we cannot merely be a people who ask hard questions and grieve oppression and futility. Yes, there are times to weep and mourn. But even in the midst of our mourning, may we be a grateful people. May there be a strong thread of rejoicing even in the middle of our pain and grief. May we not forget that God blesses us daily with many good things to enjoy, and that even in the worst circumstances, we have life, and salvation in Jesus. "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32)
We live in a world broken by sin, and we feel the weight of it. But at the same time, even in the midst of difficulty and sorrow, we are to find joy in the life we have been given by our good God. Ecclesiastes gives us several reasons to rejoice in this life we have been given:
1) Pleasure and joy are a gift from God. God created this world good, and he lavishes good gifts on us. There are so many things in creation that really have no other function than bringing joy. God didn't have to give us light by way of a sun that creates beauty merely by its rising and setting. He didn't have to create the cocoa bean, or the coffee bean, or grapes that ferment into something pleasing. We could still get along in a world that had no colour, no music, no fleecy-soft inner coat pockets (one I've been enjoying recently). But that is not the world God has given us. He has filled this world with more pleasures than I could list, and he does it so we will rejoice in the goodness of our Creator and give him glory.
2) God's sovereignty gives us freedom to enjoy life. Often I cease to enjoy the good gifts God has given me because I become consumed by stress and anxiety over details of my life that I cannot control. I become a slave to worry. Rather than enjoying the present pleasures, I am wrapped up in thinking about tomorrow, trying to manage the rest of my life in my head. And I defend this with the excuse that if I can figure everything out for the future, then I will really be able to relax and rejoice. But this is a lie. Ecclesiastes reminds us over and over again that this life is not under our control. Our lives, and every detail of them, are firmly in God's hands. This, of course, does not negate any responsibility on our part to be wise and good stewards of what God has given us, but it does mean that we must not spend our time in worry over tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself. If we really believe that our lives are fully in the hand of our very good God (who is so good that he gives us all things richly to enjoy though we do not deserve it), then we gain the great freedom of really enjoying the life we've been given today, even when there are storm clouds on the horizon.
3) Enjoy all the life you have been given because it is short. "Light is sweet, and it is pleasant for the eyes to see the sun. If a person lives many years, let him rejoice in them all; but let him remember that the days of darkness will be many." (Eccl. 11:8) Moses puts it this way in Psalm 90: "The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone, and we fly away. So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom. Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days." This is part of why Ecclesiastes regularly reminds us not only to rejoice in "pleasant" things, but also in the work that God has given us to do, despite that fact that so often it really feels like toil, because we recognize that having work to do means we still have the gift of life.
4) Rejoicing keeps us happily occupied. You're familiar with the phrase "time flies when you're having fun." Ecclesiastes says that isn't too far from the truth. Speaking of the man who rejoices in the life God has given him, it says, "For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart." (Eccl. 5:20) Are you in the midst of difficulty and toil, wondering when it will ever end? Pay attention to all the things you've been given to enjoy, not least of which is the offer of salvation from sin, futility and death through Jesus' death on the cross in your place, and thank God for them. For while a heart of thankfulness does not remove the ache of living in a world stained by sin, it directs our attention off of the hardship we are facing, and toward the good God who has our whole life and all its details in His generous hands, and who graciously gives us so many things to enjoy, though we deserve none of them! And you may well find that the difficulty and toil passes far more quickly than when you focus only on the things you need deliverance from.
Yes, we must be careful not to find our ultimate joy in earthly things that can be taken away at any given time (Eccl. 11:8). Yes, we enjoy life only within the boundaries that God has set for us, recognizing that the day will come when we will have to answer to a Holy God for all we have done (Eccl. 11:9). But we ARE to enjoy what God has given, and thank Him for it.
We are sinners deserving of death, and yet we have been offered life and everything good through Jesus' death on the cross in our place! So we cannot merely be a people who ask hard questions and grieve oppression and futility. Yes, there are times to weep and mourn. But even in the midst of our mourning, may we be a grateful people. May there be a strong thread of rejoicing even in the middle of our pain and grief. May we not forget that God blesses us daily with many good things to enjoy, and that even in the worst circumstances, we have life, and salvation in Jesus. "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32)
Thursday, October 03, 2013
Seasons
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance...
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time for war and a time for peace.
(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)
I love the changing of the seasons. As we head into fall weather, I am enjoying the cool, crisp nights and seeing the trees start to change into bright bursts of fiery colour. I doubt there will be any smell of woodstove here among the condos, so I'll have to imagine that one (does anyone make woodstove-scented candles?). But at least there will be hydro savings now that open windows are enough to cool this place down. And hey, pulling out the fall clothes is not unlike getting a new wardrobe, right?
I've always said that I would never want to live in a place that where the weather was constant. Summer and blue skies and beaches are great for a while, but I would actually miss having snow from time to time. Of course, one could argue that if I love having 4 seasons, Ontario is not the best choice of locale, but, well, here we are. And it is NOT always winter (though it feels like it, come late March).
If you've been following this blog, you may have noticed that it's been a bit quiet here lately. Okay, it's been completely silent. And that's largely due to the fact that we're changing seasons around here--new church planting season, new parenting season, new school year. The funny thing is that as much as I love going through the annual changing of the seasons, I'm not such a fan of new seasons when it comes to the story of my life. There are many times that I wish I could just plop myself down in a particular season of life and stay there, at least for a good long while. Or, I wish that I could fast-forward through several seasons until I get to one that seems a little more comfortable. Changing seasons involves new ways of doing things, a reordering of priorities, new tasks, old tasks to which I now need to say "no" or "not so much", and the acceptance that there are good and pleasant things that I will not ever have in the same form again. (Granted, there are also things to which I say a hearty, "Good-bye, and may we never meet again!") And it often seems like I'm just settling into a routine, just beginning to feel like I've got this one under control, when I'm sent spinning into another season with new demands for which I feel completely under-equipped. Do you ever feel this way?
But in the midst of changing seasons, I am more than thankful for an unchanging God! When things feel confusing or out of control, I'm thankful that we have a God who always knows what is coming and always has it under perfect control. When I have to lay aside projects or hobbies or blogging for a time because a new season is more demanding of me, I am thankful that our God never runs out of time or energy to do everything He wants to accomplish in my life and in our world. When I feel completely under-equipped to handle the rigours of a new stage of life, I am thankful that God's power is made perfect in my weakness. And I am thankful that in all the seasons of life, I never need to worry that any of these truths about God will change and somehow leave me hanging.
Of old you laid the foundation of the earth,
and the heavens are the work of your hands.
They will perish, but you will remain;
they will all wear out like a garment.
You will change them like a robe, and they will pass away,
but you are the same, and your years have no end.
(Psalm 102:25-27)
Fall is here and winter is coming. But even if the beauty of fall is short and the deadness of winter is long, whether the season is fun or challenging or downright agonizing, I can lean confidently on the unchanging nature of God until he brings me into the unchanging beauty of eternity.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Great is His Faithfulness
We're in the early stages of a move right now (hence the lack of posts lately), and I've been taking spare minutes here and there to start the labourious task of going through long-neglected corners and cubbies and culling the contents. It amazes me how much six people can accumulate in the space of 5 short years! Kudos to those of you who've moved after a much longer stretch in one place, because this is bad enough, and I don't even consider myself much of a pack rat!
Of course, the upside of going through closets and files that you haven't touched in years is that you tend to get rewarded with memories--little locks of baby hair from the girl who just turned 9, a love letter from a very smitten boyfriend (now husband of a decade), a cassette tape from my highschool music program that I might listen to if I still had a cassette player... But among all these things, the memories that have been most on my mind since I discovered them in a box a couple weeks ago are in a little packet of cards that once contained large sums of money.
Nathan and I have had few seasons in life where we've had plenty of money to spare. And while I admit that I sometimes envy people who seem to be able to make large purchases without batting an eye, on the whole I really am content to be in the position of just having enough. Maybe it's my upbringing as the daughter of a small-town pastor turned urban church planter. We weren't ever rolling in the dough then either! But when things are tight enough that the car is not allowed to break down and the shoes are going to make it through one last winter or else, there are ample opportunities to experience the blessing of God's visible, miraculous provision (because invariably, the car will break down and those shoes won't last past December). And that little packet of cards are evidence of just that: God's visible, miraculous provision for us. They come from a variety of times over the course of our 10 years of marriage. There's a note that accompanied a brand new dryer when a dear couple in Louisville found out I was hanging all of Susanna's baby clothes up to dry over the shower rod in our little apartment (and another one from the same couple that had grocery money in it). There's an index card from old friends explaining that they'd come into some money and just thought they'd send us some of it (at a time when, unbeknownst to them, we had just lost some furniture in a move). There's a copy of an anonymous cheque for $2000 that was dropped in the offering plate for us when Nathan broke his knee 4 years ago and was out of work (can't wait until heaven when I get to find out who did that!). And that cheque is right alongside another card from that same day that came with another $200, bringing the total to exactly 2 months rent (We found out shortly thereafter that one of our friends had actually been praying for 2 months' rent for us). And there are many, many more! We figure that if we could go back and add it all up, we've been the recipients of unexpected provisions worth over 10 thousand dollars over the last 10 years. God has been so, so faithful to us!
And yet, still we doubt his faithfulness! Even now, in the midst of planning for a move, we are continually tempted to wonder how in the world we are going to get by. We're just like those disciples who had witnessed Jesus' provision again and again, and still wonder how he's going to manage to feed those 5,000 hungry people. And then, after he more than manages, they immediately wonder about this new crowd of 4,000. Where's their food going to come from? God provides for us over and over without fail, and yet we struggle to believe he can do it again. Well, I am here to testify to you, and (maybe even more so) to myself, that God has ALWAYS been faithful to us. There has NEVER been one true need unmet, NEVER been a lack of grace for the trials of the day, NEVER been an abandoning of us in the hour of our weakness. God has already been faithful in filling our greatest need--to be reconciled to him through Christ's death on our behalf. And if he did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and you needn't worry about lacking food or clothes or any other necessary thing. He feeds the birds; he'll feed us, too. God has been faithful; he will be again.
And yes, he has been again, because just last week, he provided yet another unexpected large sum of money to help finance this move, from a family member who is getting a settlement from a 20-year-long dispute (side note: how amazing that God would allow that to go on for so long, so that just at the right time, we'd get what we need!). Lord, we believe you are faithful; help our unbelief!
This move will be a down-size, so we have a lot to toss, sell and give away. But you'd better believe that little packet of cards will be coming with us. In fact, if I didn't think my two-year-old might rip them to shreds, I'd post them on the fridge for a constant reminder!
All I have needed, his hand has provided. He's always been faithful to me!
Of course, the upside of going through closets and files that you haven't touched in years is that you tend to get rewarded with memories--little locks of baby hair from the girl who just turned 9, a love letter from a very smitten boyfriend (now husband of a decade), a cassette tape from my highschool music program that I might listen to if I still had a cassette player... But among all these things, the memories that have been most on my mind since I discovered them in a box a couple weeks ago are in a little packet of cards that once contained large sums of money.
Nathan and I have had few seasons in life where we've had plenty of money to spare. And while I admit that I sometimes envy people who seem to be able to make large purchases without batting an eye, on the whole I really am content to be in the position of just having enough. Maybe it's my upbringing as the daughter of a small-town pastor turned urban church planter. We weren't ever rolling in the dough then either! But when things are tight enough that the car is not allowed to break down and the shoes are going to make it through one last winter or else, there are ample opportunities to experience the blessing of God's visible, miraculous provision (because invariably, the car will break down and those shoes won't last past December). And that little packet of cards are evidence of just that: God's visible, miraculous provision for us. They come from a variety of times over the course of our 10 years of marriage. There's a note that accompanied a brand new dryer when a dear couple in Louisville found out I was hanging all of Susanna's baby clothes up to dry over the shower rod in our little apartment (and another one from the same couple that had grocery money in it). There's an index card from old friends explaining that they'd come into some money and just thought they'd send us some of it (at a time when, unbeknownst to them, we had just lost some furniture in a move). There's a copy of an anonymous cheque for $2000 that was dropped in the offering plate for us when Nathan broke his knee 4 years ago and was out of work (can't wait until heaven when I get to find out who did that!). And that cheque is right alongside another card from that same day that came with another $200, bringing the total to exactly 2 months rent (We found out shortly thereafter that one of our friends had actually been praying for 2 months' rent for us). And there are many, many more! We figure that if we could go back and add it all up, we've been the recipients of unexpected provisions worth over 10 thousand dollars over the last 10 years. God has been so, so faithful to us!
And yet, still we doubt his faithfulness! Even now, in the midst of planning for a move, we are continually tempted to wonder how in the world we are going to get by. We're just like those disciples who had witnessed Jesus' provision again and again, and still wonder how he's going to manage to feed those 5,000 hungry people. And then, after he more than manages, they immediately wonder about this new crowd of 4,000. Where's their food going to come from? God provides for us over and over without fail, and yet we struggle to believe he can do it again. Well, I am here to testify to you, and (maybe even more so) to myself, that God has ALWAYS been faithful to us. There has NEVER been one true need unmet, NEVER been a lack of grace for the trials of the day, NEVER been an abandoning of us in the hour of our weakness. God has already been faithful in filling our greatest need--to be reconciled to him through Christ's death on our behalf. And if he did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and you needn't worry about lacking food or clothes or any other necessary thing. He feeds the birds; he'll feed us, too. God has been faithful; he will be again.
And yes, he has been again, because just last week, he provided yet another unexpected large sum of money to help finance this move, from a family member who is getting a settlement from a 20-year-long dispute (side note: how amazing that God would allow that to go on for so long, so that just at the right time, we'd get what we need!). Lord, we believe you are faithful; help our unbelief!
This move will be a down-size, so we have a lot to toss, sell and give away. But you'd better believe that little packet of cards will be coming with us. In fact, if I didn't think my two-year-old might rip them to shreds, I'd post them on the fridge for a constant reminder!
All I have needed, his hand has provided. He's always been faithful to me!
Sunday, February 03, 2013
Asking Big, Seeing Small
We have some big requests for our Heavenly Father right now. We're heading into several months of seriously reduced income due to my husband Nathan's upcoming knee surgery and recovery time, at the same time as we see some very large expenses on the horizon. We have some mountains that need to be moved. We are going to need miraculous provision. And so we've been praying for some very large things lately.
And we believe that God is fully able to provide exactly what we need, though when my mom told us that they were praying that God would answer our needs in such a way that there could be no doubt in our minds that it was His doing, I confess that I wasn't sure whether I liked that idea or not! Big answers have a way of keeping you in suspense till the last minute!
At any rate, on Tuesday, I took 5 puppies to the vet for their shots--the last step before they were ready to leave our house (!!!). Nevermind about how I managed to get them all there and back without losing one (or my mind)... I was anticipating a bill close to $400, because that is what the vet's office quoted me when I called about pricing several weeks ago. And I wasn't worried about that because we had built the cost of the shots into the puppy price. So when I went to the desk at the end, and the receptionist informed me that the bill was $152, I thought I'd misheard because I was too busy trying to make sure the dogs didn't run away while I searched for my credit card. I didn't check again until I had everyone back in the van, and there it was at the bottom of the receipt: $152. I ran through the charges and everything appeared to be in order, at which point I realized that we'd just made a little over $200 extra on these pupppies.
Now I can think of lots of things to do with $200! But it occurred to me on the way home that this was an answer to our prayer. $200 is not much in the face of thousands of dollars, but it is far more than nothing. And lots of 200s eventually add up to thousands. And then I thought: What if we don't need something astounding and "miraculous" so that we'll know that God has answered? What if we need instead to learn to see God's working in the small things? What if a really cheap vet bill is not just our lucky day, but the loving provision of our Father? What if coming away from Costco for $20 less than expected is not just my ability to be frugal, but one of many little answers of our good God to our big request?
It's hard to explain away a sudden $100,000 windfall. We know it is God at work when the cancer just disappears without treatment, or the rebellious child turns into a bold missionary overnight. We are good at praising God for the spectacular, the extraordinary. And we should ask in faith for huge things that only God can do, if it will bring Him glory.
But Lord, give us hearts that not only praise you when the mountain is cast headlong into the sea, but also eyes that see You moving the mountain one inch at a time and hearts that thank you for each tiny step along the way!
And we believe that God is fully able to provide exactly what we need, though when my mom told us that they were praying that God would answer our needs in such a way that there could be no doubt in our minds that it was His doing, I confess that I wasn't sure whether I liked that idea or not! Big answers have a way of keeping you in suspense till the last minute!
At any rate, on Tuesday, I took 5 puppies to the vet for their shots--the last step before they were ready to leave our house (!!!). Nevermind about how I managed to get them all there and back without losing one (or my mind)... I was anticipating a bill close to $400, because that is what the vet's office quoted me when I called about pricing several weeks ago. And I wasn't worried about that because we had built the cost of the shots into the puppy price. So when I went to the desk at the end, and the receptionist informed me that the bill was $152, I thought I'd misheard because I was too busy trying to make sure the dogs didn't run away while I searched for my credit card. I didn't check again until I had everyone back in the van, and there it was at the bottom of the receipt: $152. I ran through the charges and everything appeared to be in order, at which point I realized that we'd just made a little over $200 extra on these pupppies.
Now I can think of lots of things to do with $200! But it occurred to me on the way home that this was an answer to our prayer. $200 is not much in the face of thousands of dollars, but it is far more than nothing. And lots of 200s eventually add up to thousands. And then I thought: What if we don't need something astounding and "miraculous" so that we'll know that God has answered? What if we need instead to learn to see God's working in the small things? What if a really cheap vet bill is not just our lucky day, but the loving provision of our Father? What if coming away from Costco for $20 less than expected is not just my ability to be frugal, but one of many little answers of our good God to our big request?
It's hard to explain away a sudden $100,000 windfall. We know it is God at work when the cancer just disappears without treatment, or the rebellious child turns into a bold missionary overnight. We are good at praising God for the spectacular, the extraordinary. And we should ask in faith for huge things that only God can do, if it will bring Him glory.
But Lord, give us hearts that not only praise you when the mountain is cast headlong into the sea, but also eyes that see You moving the mountain one inch at a time and hearts that thank you for each tiny step along the way!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Ordinary Life, And Then Some
Well, the sun came up this morning, my feet hit the floor instead of the ceiling, the coffee was good for some perking up, the egg yolks weren't purple and... the basement was flooded :)
The LORD reigns; he is robed in majesty;
the LORD is robed; he has put on strength as his belt.
Yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved.
Your throne is established from of old;
you are from everlasting.
The floods have lifted up, O LORD,
the floods have lifted up their voice;
the floods lift up their roaring.
Mightier than the thunder of many waters,
mightier than the waves of the sea,
the LORD on high is mighty!
Your decrees are very trustworthy;
holiness befits your house,
O LORD, forevermore.
(Psalm 93)
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Ordinary Life
Today was a balmy January day. I didn't see that coming (though I confess that I didn't check the weather). I also didn't expect the after-dinner chaos of trying to feed puppies, at the same time as cleaning up one mess while the kids and the dog were busy making new ones in other spots. If I have to pull out the vacuum or a Lysol wipe one more time tonight, I may lose my mind!
But on a day when I've had unpredictabilities to deal with, I've been thinking a lot about how constant and dependable our lives actually are. We only think of warm January days and dog accidents as unusual because we have an orderly "normal" to compare these things to. January in Canada is cold. As in BITTER cold. House-trained pets can normally be relied upon to go outside when necessary. And fort-building at bedtime is generally known to be off-limits.
We are so quick to complain when things don't go as expected, when unusual trials meet us during the day, when our life is turned upside down by some unanticipated news. But how often do we praise our wise Creator for the orderliness of His creation? How often do we thank God that the majority of the moments of our day pass in a rather predictable way? A meteorologist can tell me exactly what time the sun will come up tomorrow morning, and I don't have to wonder if it will happen (unless the Lord returns). When I climb out of bed, my feet will hit the floor. There is no chance that I'll float to the ceiling instead. Coffee will give an me an (albeit temporary) energy boost, not cause me to drag my body back to bed. When I crack open some eggs for breakfast, the yolks won't be purple. The orderliness of creation is what allows for scientific study to exist. Experiments are repeatable because God made the world to work like a fine-tuned organic machine.
Children grow in fairly dependable stages, too. Parenting involves a decent amount of the unforeseen, but if you think about it, even most of our dealings with the kids in our household are not wildly out of the ordinary. (Note that I said "most"!) That's why there is such a thing as parenting wisdom, handed down from generation to generation (and why the relational wisdom from the Bible still applies to us today in our modern age).
Children grow in fairly dependable stages, too. Parenting involves a decent amount of the unforeseen, but if you think about it, even most of our dealings with the kids in our household are not wildly out of the ordinary. (Note that I said "most"!) That's why there is such a thing as parenting wisdom, handed down from generation to generation (and why the relational wisdom from the Bible still applies to us today in our modern age).
And dogs will be always be dogs!
The next time something happens to me that I didn't see coming, and I'm tempted to focus on that one thing that is slightly (or even majorly) out of line, I want to remember that the God of order not only holds that one thing in His sovereign, organized hands, but that in the kindness of His character, He foreordained my world to spend the vast majority of time spinning in the same dependable direction. Can you imagine what life would be like in a world without order? We think this life we live is chaotic enough! So may we be thankful that:
He set the earth on its foundations,
so that it should never be moved.
You covered it with the deep as with a garment;
the waters stood above the mountains.
At your rebuke they fled;
at the sound of your thunder they took to flight.
The mountains rose, the valleys sank down
to the place that you appointed for them.
You set a boundary that they may not pass,
so that they might not again cover the earth.
He made the moon to mark the seasons;
the sun knows its time for setting.
You make darkness, and it is night,
when all the beasts of the forest creep about.
The young lions roar for their prey,
seeking their food from God.
When the sun rises, they steal away
and lie down in their dens.
Man goes out to his work
and to his labor until the evening.
O Lord, how manifold are your works.
In wisdom have you made them all!
(Psalm 104)
Oh, and the sun rises in Toronto at 7:49 a.m. tomorrow. And you can quote me on that.
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Thursday, November 01, 2012
Anxious Body, Thankful Heart
The first time it happened to me, I was in the middle of a choir rehearsal at church, about 10 years ago. All of a sudden, for no reason I was aware of, my heart felt like it was racing away and my whole body started to get that tingly pins-and-needles sensation. We didn't know what was going on, and since I was saying my chest hurt and I thought I might pass out, someone called the paramedics. They administered oxygen, but since that made me feel quite a bit better and my vital signs were normal, there was no further testing and I went home. It didn't take too long for that experience to fade, and I didn't think much of it until it happened again almost 3 years ago, during my last pregnancy. This time it was far worse--something was sitting on my chest and I began to feel like I couldn't breathe. It was the middle of the night, but I woke Nathan up in a panic and he called the hospital. As he relayed the nurse's questions to me and I was forced to talk, the tightness slowly began to ease, and eventually, whatever was weighing down my chest jumped off and ran away, though it left me shaken and wiped out. It was at this point that we recognized this as a panic attack. It was also at this point that these attacks gradually became more frequent, until last fall, when they began occurring at least once a week. We thought something might be wrong with my heart that was triggering the panic response (considering my family history, that wouldn't be surprising), but several trips to the ER and for all kinds of testing and monitoring turned up nothing but occasional palpitations in an area consistent with stress. In other words, my body was just reacting to stress in an extreme way. And the frequency of the attacks was exacerbated by the fact that I was having such frequent attacks, since they leave you feeling mentally strained and physically exhausted, which in turn, raises stress levels. It can be a vicious cycle. Thankfully, in answer to many prayers, the regularity of these episodes decreased significantly after a few months, and I've only had one or two major attacks since then. But even now, it is not uncommon for me to have minor symptoms at night when I lie down to sleep, especially if it has been a busy day.
And so it was encouraging for me to read Stephen Altrogge's post over at The Blazing Centre this week, in which he talks about his own struggle with physical anxiety.
I appreciated, first of all, that he distinguishes between physical anxiety and worry (or "being anxious"). As he says, worry is a sin. The Bible clearly tells us to be anxious for nothing. But while I can often have physical anxiety symptoms that are compounded when I start to worry about my symptoms, they are very rarely initially triggered by any conscious worry on my part. In fact, these days more often than not, the anxiety attacks don't make me anxious. I can be settling down for a good night's sleep after a fairly busy day, thinking nothing of it, and suddenly feel my heart start to pound. I know what it is now, and it doesn't make me worry (granted, it's a lot easier to keep from worry when you know the cause), but it may keep me awake for a long time just because I'm physically uncomfortable. Even though it's called physical anxiety, manifesting itself in panic attacks, there is often no mental anxiety or panic behind it. It's almost as if my physical body reacts to stress by flipping out, even when my mind is calm and handling things well... even when, at least to the degree that I can tell, I'm entrusting my health and the busyness of the day to the Lord. I struggled for a while with this distinction, worrying that I must be worrying, and that my sin of anxiety must be triggering these episodes. But while it is true that actual sinful anxiety can trigger them, and can certainly compound them, physical anxiety symptoms are, in and of themselves, an involuntary physical reaction. This is very humbling because there is nothing I can really do to fight it. Something is wrong with the way my body functions. I mean, I can take medication (I'm not, but I have nothing against it, and if things were extreme again, I would be filling a prescription). I can try to minimize stress (when the doctor told me, with my 4 young children in the office, that I needed to lower the amount of stress in my life, I wanted to laugh at him!). But these things can only help so much. It is out of my control, and I can't be released from the effects by appropriating God's forgiveness, sharing my struggle with a godly friend and seeking to walk in obedience by the Spirit's help. I can't change it, and God has made no promise to change it or even that he desires healing in this area. He may even desire to allow things to worsen, for the sake of my growth in sanctification.
But Altrogge also goes on to talk about how he's learning to see physical anxiety as a mercy (albeit a hard one). I have found the same thing in my own life, and have often thought of it in the same category--as a thorn of weakness sent to demonstrate my need and God's overwhelming strength. I've always been seen as a competent, put-together person who can handle a significant amount of stress and upheaval--"tough as nails", as my husband often puts it. And I've always thought of myself this way, too. That is, I thought of myself that way until last fall. Then God sent 3 months of concentrated physical anxiety into my life that turned me upside down and shook all the change out of my pockets. I would have an attack, and it would be over, but the loss of sleep (for me, they happen most often at night) and the stress on my body would leave me worn down and weak for a few days. Then, just as I'd start to recover, I'd have another attack. It's not easy, or even possible, to be totally competent and put-together when you're not sleeping, your body is running itself down, you don't entirely know what's wrong, and you've still got 4 kids to care for. I began to realize that it didn't take much for me to be put out of commission. I mean, it wasn't like I had cancer, or actual heart problems. They were just panic attacks. But that's how weak I am--my body's reaction to stress is enough to take me out. I began to realize that I couldn't handle the schedule I was on. The human body isn't meant to run indefinitely. I'm limited. I began to come to the very real realization, each time my chest clammed up and I couldn't get my breath, that God holds every next breath in his hand, and it is his to give or take away as he sees fit. And while all this could have made me fall to pieces, or get angry at God, or question his goodness, by God's grace alone, it has actually worked to make me more dependent, more willing to accept my limitations, more humble and more thankful for every day of life and health that I do have. And so, I too am thankful for the hard mercy of physical anxiety.
I had a mild attack just the other night--actually, the same day I read Altrogge's post. It wasn't fun and I lost a fair bit of sleep. But if this thorn is what it takes for me to learn to rest in God's strength alone and to be humble enough to ask for help from others, I'll learn to welcome it. It shows that I am weak and incompetent and my body doesn't even know when to calm down when my mind tells it to, but God is glorious and all-powerful and his being never freaks out when things get a little chaotic or stressful, and HE is the one who empowers me to do what he has called me to do, even when I'm exhausted and something is sitting on my chest. And one day, after this thorn has given him all the glory he has purposed it to give, he will remove it forever! (Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!)
And so it was encouraging for me to read Stephen Altrogge's post over at The Blazing Centre this week, in which he talks about his own struggle with physical anxiety.
I appreciated, first of all, that he distinguishes between physical anxiety and worry (or "being anxious"). As he says, worry is a sin. The Bible clearly tells us to be anxious for nothing. But while I can often have physical anxiety symptoms that are compounded when I start to worry about my symptoms, they are very rarely initially triggered by any conscious worry on my part. In fact, these days more often than not, the anxiety attacks don't make me anxious. I can be settling down for a good night's sleep after a fairly busy day, thinking nothing of it, and suddenly feel my heart start to pound. I know what it is now, and it doesn't make me worry (granted, it's a lot easier to keep from worry when you know the cause), but it may keep me awake for a long time just because I'm physically uncomfortable. Even though it's called physical anxiety, manifesting itself in panic attacks, there is often no mental anxiety or panic behind it. It's almost as if my physical body reacts to stress by flipping out, even when my mind is calm and handling things well... even when, at least to the degree that I can tell, I'm entrusting my health and the busyness of the day to the Lord. I struggled for a while with this distinction, worrying that I must be worrying, and that my sin of anxiety must be triggering these episodes. But while it is true that actual sinful anxiety can trigger them, and can certainly compound them, physical anxiety symptoms are, in and of themselves, an involuntary physical reaction. This is very humbling because there is nothing I can really do to fight it. Something is wrong with the way my body functions. I mean, I can take medication (I'm not, but I have nothing against it, and if things were extreme again, I would be filling a prescription). I can try to minimize stress (when the doctor told me, with my 4 young children in the office, that I needed to lower the amount of stress in my life, I wanted to laugh at him!). But these things can only help so much. It is out of my control, and I can't be released from the effects by appropriating God's forgiveness, sharing my struggle with a godly friend and seeking to walk in obedience by the Spirit's help. I can't change it, and God has made no promise to change it or even that he desires healing in this area. He may even desire to allow things to worsen, for the sake of my growth in sanctification.
But Altrogge also goes on to talk about how he's learning to see physical anxiety as a mercy (albeit a hard one). I have found the same thing in my own life, and have often thought of it in the same category--as a thorn of weakness sent to demonstrate my need and God's overwhelming strength. I've always been seen as a competent, put-together person who can handle a significant amount of stress and upheaval--"tough as nails", as my husband often puts it. And I've always thought of myself this way, too. That is, I thought of myself that way until last fall. Then God sent 3 months of concentrated physical anxiety into my life that turned me upside down and shook all the change out of my pockets. I would have an attack, and it would be over, but the loss of sleep (for me, they happen most often at night) and the stress on my body would leave me worn down and weak for a few days. Then, just as I'd start to recover, I'd have another attack. It's not easy, or even possible, to be totally competent and put-together when you're not sleeping, your body is running itself down, you don't entirely know what's wrong, and you've still got 4 kids to care for. I began to realize that it didn't take much for me to be put out of commission. I mean, it wasn't like I had cancer, or actual heart problems. They were just panic attacks. But that's how weak I am--my body's reaction to stress is enough to take me out. I began to realize that I couldn't handle the schedule I was on. The human body isn't meant to run indefinitely. I'm limited. I began to come to the very real realization, each time my chest clammed up and I couldn't get my breath, that God holds every next breath in his hand, and it is his to give or take away as he sees fit. And while all this could have made me fall to pieces, or get angry at God, or question his goodness, by God's grace alone, it has actually worked to make me more dependent, more willing to accept my limitations, more humble and more thankful for every day of life and health that I do have. And so, I too am thankful for the hard mercy of physical anxiety.
I had a mild attack just the other night--actually, the same day I read Altrogge's post. It wasn't fun and I lost a fair bit of sleep. But if this thorn is what it takes for me to learn to rest in God's strength alone and to be humble enough to ask for help from others, I'll learn to welcome it. It shows that I am weak and incompetent and my body doesn't even know when to calm down when my mind tells it to, but God is glorious and all-powerful and his being never freaks out when things get a little chaotic or stressful, and HE is the one who empowers me to do what he has called me to do, even when I'm exhausted and something is sitting on my chest. And one day, after this thorn has given him all the glory he has purposed it to give, he will remove it forever! (Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!)
Monday, September 24, 2012
Birthday Praise
On Saturday, my youngest daughter turned 2. Amidst the birthday celebrations and the wondering where the time went (!), I've also been thinking about the circumstances that followed her birth.
She was born happy and healthy following a relatively quick and uneventful labour (despite the fact that I was a full 2 weeks overdue). For the first week and a half, recovery was as expected, she was growing, and we were adjusting to dealing with 4 kids (actually, I think I still am!). 10 days after she was born, we had the privilege of attending the wedding of a young couple from our church, one that we'd been anticipating for quite a while. We got everyone dressed in their wedding best, including the baby, and headed off for a day of rejoicing. Everyone stayed quiet for the ceremony (not a small feat), and we were enjoying the post-wedding festivities, when all of a sudden, with no real warning, I suddenly began haemorrhaging. Halfway through the reception, we landed in the ER. Not exactly the way I had planned to spend the day (or the next few days, either). We were in tailspin mode. But while I was in the hospital recovering, in the midst of my weakness and anxiety, I spent some time making a list of all the reasons I had to be thankful in these circumstances, and found that my heart was quickly turned from anxiety to praise. I recently came across this list, and thought that in honour of my daughter's birthday, I'd post it here to publicly thank the Lord for His mercies toward us, both in the circumstances and in the people He positioned to serve us. This is verbatim, with the exception of a couple explanatory notes in italics which I've added.
Things To Be Thankful For in the Present "Crisis"
She was born happy and healthy following a relatively quick and uneventful labour (despite the fact that I was a full 2 weeks overdue). For the first week and a half, recovery was as expected, she was growing, and we were adjusting to dealing with 4 kids (actually, I think I still am!). 10 days after she was born, we had the privilege of attending the wedding of a young couple from our church, one that we'd been anticipating for quite a while. We got everyone dressed in their wedding best, including the baby, and headed off for a day of rejoicing. Everyone stayed quiet for the ceremony (not a small feat), and we were enjoying the post-wedding festivities, when all of a sudden, with no real warning, I suddenly began haemorrhaging. Halfway through the reception, we landed in the ER. Not exactly the way I had planned to spend the day (or the next few days, either). We were in tailspin mode. But while I was in the hospital recovering, in the midst of my weakness and anxiety, I spent some time making a list of all the reasons I had to be thankful in these circumstances, and found that my heart was quickly turned from anxiety to praise. I recently came across this list, and thought that in honour of my daughter's birthday, I'd post it here to publicly thank the Lord for His mercies toward us, both in the circumstances and in the people He positioned to serve us. This is verbatim, with the exception of a couple explanatory notes in italics which I've added.
Things To Be Thankful For in the Present "Crisis"
- that we are not directly financially responsible for all the tests and hospital stay, or for all the hospital visits, surgeries and testing of the past 2 years (Remember this when things are not so expedient as we would like!)
- that Nathan is now working for an understanding and flexible boss (no need for doctor's notes or the like)... when I had a few miscarriages prior to this pregnancy, a former boss had insinuating that Nathan was lying about it to get out of a day's work
- that Ruth is allowed to stay with me so that I can continue breastfeeding without hassle
- that Ruth is staying so calm and sleeping so much in the midst of the upheaval
- that our church family has been so quick to respond with help, both last night--though for some it meant missing part of a long-anticipated wedding celebration--and with childcare all day today and tomorrow if necessary (Joanne Kerr, Dale Belvedere, Colombe Graham, Lydia Ninaber, among others)
- that our kids were able to attend church this morning even though we weren't, and that God is sustaining us even though we have been unable to attend for several weeks now
- that the haemorrhaging began halfway through the reception rather than earlier in the day, so that we could at least enjoy the ceremony, some fellowship afterwards, and half the reception
- that there was a postpartum nurse at the reception who was quick to help
- that our church family has been quick to pray for us
- that God has sustained and grown our marriage in sickness and in health (as well as for richer and for poorer and in joy and in sorrow!)
- that triage was quiet last night so we could get an ER bed quickly, even if we had a wait a while for the doctor
- that we did not have to spend the whole night in emerg, but were able to get a room, and even a room to ourselves where Nathan had a hospital bed to sleep on
- that the ultrasound gave a conclusive result of retained placenta, so that treatment could start and other possible options be ruled out
- that Nathan thought to grab my wedding favour so that I could enjoy a tasty treat today
- that the nurses and doctors have been so kind and cheerful (without singing loud songs in the morning!)
- that the OBGYN on call today was the same one who delivered Ruth, so that I am being cared for by someone familiar
- that when I passed out last night, there was a nurse, rather than the hard floor, to catch me... on a previous trip to the ER, it WAS the hard floor
- that we can enjoy laughter in the midst of difficulty
- that God has kept me content and free of anxiety in a scary situation
- that my bleeding is under control, even if the cause has not yet been cured
- that my haemoglobin count had risen so high by the end of the pregnancy that it was able to drop 30 points in 12 hours and still be within reasonable range, and thus a blood transfusion is avoided (had it remained low like it was in June and July, I would have been in trouble!)
- that iron supplements (and all other necessary medical treatments) are even available to me
- that I can get up and move around without dizziness or pain, despite the large blood loss
- that all the bleeding, passing out, testing, bloodwork, waiting, even potential surgery, are the aftermath of the birth of a healthy baby, rather than the result of a fruitless pregnancy
- that the continued anguish of "labour pains", even as I stare at our beautiful baby girl, are a vivid reminder not only of the curse of sin, but of the hope of a glorious new birth to come, that will be the end of our earthly labour pains!
"Great and amazing are your deeds,
O LORD God the Almighty!
Just and true are your ways,
O King of the nations!
Who will not fear, O Lord,
and glorify your name?
For you alone are holy.
All nations will come and worship you,
for your righteous acts have been revealed."
Revelation 15:3-4
And happy birthday, Ruthie!
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Grandparents Are a Blessing
I had the privilege of getting a couple more days up at my parents' cottage with the kids this week (Nathan joined us for one evening). I am so thankful for a peaceful place to go that's only a few hours away, where the kids have toys they haven't seen since last time (you know that makes them all the better, even if it's only been a few weeks!) and the great outdoors beckon--even to my indoor bookworm (and admittedly videophile) of a son. It's also refreshing to have just a few days that aren't taken up with so much normal housekeeping... I don't know about you, but I think I find the everyday upkeep of the household to be far more draining in the long haul than dealing with fights, temper-tantrums, school work and training children.
I'm also exceedingly thankful for loving parents who made a point of giving me some quiet breaks during my youngest kid's naps where they took the older kids on a boating adventure and a library visit (the latter should earn them both Brave Grandparent of the Year awards... taking three noisy kids to a LIBRARY is a big undertaking, even if it's a small community one). Yesterday's outing allowed me to read an entire chapter of a book during conscious daytime hours without getting up at all, and I even had sufficient time remaining for focused prayer about what I'd read. If you've had young kids at home, you know that's a major feat--and a huge blessing! Praise the Lord for grandparents!
So now we're back to everyday life, which has its pleasantries, too. The affordsaid bookworm son commented last time that he loves the cottage, but its sure nice to have a schedule back. Unfortunately, some of us seem to be coming down with something, but at least we have a chance to get it out of our systems before our last Labour Day summer cottage outing and the start of a new school year.
More book blurbs to come after the next trip, and for tomorrow, another side of the thoughts from Sustained By Words.
I'm also exceedingly thankful for loving parents who made a point of giving me some quiet breaks during my youngest kid's naps where they took the older kids on a boating adventure and a library visit (the latter should earn them both Brave Grandparent of the Year awards... taking three noisy kids to a LIBRARY is a big undertaking, even if it's a small community one). Yesterday's outing allowed me to read an entire chapter of a book during conscious daytime hours without getting up at all, and I even had sufficient time remaining for focused prayer about what I'd read. If you've had young kids at home, you know that's a major feat--and a huge blessing! Praise the Lord for grandparents!
So now we're back to everyday life, which has its pleasantries, too. The affordsaid bookworm son commented last time that he loves the cottage, but its sure nice to have a schedule back. Unfortunately, some of us seem to be coming down with something, but at least we have a chance to get it out of our systems before our last Labour Day summer cottage outing and the start of a new school year.
More book blurbs to come after the next trip, and for tomorrow, another side of the thoughts from Sustained By Words.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Death Restrained
I woke up this morning. So did my husband, all four of my children, and even the dog. So far, that has happened each morning since each of us was born. Amazing, isn't it? And yet, how often does that fact even occur to me? How often am I truly thankful for the simple gifts of life and health and peace? How often am I even aware that I have them, rather than only being aware of all the trials in my life?
Our youngest son is a means God is using to teach me to be more aware of His daily care for us and to be more thankful that He continues to preserve us.
When our son was born after a very healthy pregnancy and normal delivery, the cord was wrapped around his neck and he stopped breathing. He was plopped on my lap for all of five seconds and then briskly swiped away to the resuscitation table, as the midwife realized that he hadn't recovered from the trauma. She was able to get him breathing again, and he's been an energizer bunny of a boy ever since. But in the probably only 2 minutes that felt like an eternity while she worked on him with the oxygen pump, Nathan and I faced the very real possibility that modern medicine might fail and our newborn son might die before we'd even really had a good look at him. What a relief when he let out a hearty cry and was restored to my arms! God preserved his life that day, and we were well aware of it.
A few years later, our basement flooded in the middle of the night. We were alerted to this by our older son who had gotten up to use the washroom, and had climbed down off his bed into a few inches of water (the kids all sleep in the basement). After getting everybody up and dealing with the immediate tasks needed to bring down the water level, we began the work of drying everything out, including our younger son's mattress, which had been on the floor, as he had just recently moved out of the crib. It was at that point that we realized that if the water had risen only another couple inches, his mattress would have been submerged, and he might not have woken up that day. God had preserved his life again, and we were again well aware of it.
Last week at the library, this same little boy wandered away, and by the time I realized he was gone, his search for me had taken him outside into the parking lot. He was noticed, and I was called to collect him at the front desk, but that could have ended very badly. Thankfully, he was under God's watchful eye, even when he had escaped mine, and God preserved him.
But that boy is a risk taker, and it is not unlikely that each and every day of his life, God has kept him from some fatal danger that we weren't even aware of!
We are so quick to grieve when God takes something precious away from us. We don't often restrain ourselves from complaint when God brings adverse circumstances into our day. We are anxious about whether our kids will die of SIDS, or by being hit by a car, or by falling down the stairs, or by drowning, and we are so slow to entrust them and their lives to our Father in Heaven. And yet, how many times has He already spared them, unbeknownst to us? How many times has He kept us from the likely results of our own foolishness? How many times has Satan asked to sift us like wheat, and God has replied, "No, not this time"? How many times has God stayed His hand, and restrained wrath? How many times have we been given life when we deserved death?
We've had tragedy in our lives. We've had two children that we never had the chance to meet, due to miscarriage. We've experienced health emergencies, deaths among our extended family and friends, serious financial loss, the consequences of divorce and more. But if I spend more time asking "Why?" about these sad circumstances than I do praising God for all the times those things could have happened and didn't, my vision is skewed.
We often hear the question, "If God is so good (and so powerful), why does He allow suffering?" Allow me to turn the question on its head: If God is not good (and all powerful), why does He so often hold the suffering back? If God were not in control, how much more often would our lives fall apart? How much more often would we be under the vicious attacks of the devil? How many more days would there be when someone didn't wake up?
"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever." (Psalm 138:7-8a)
Our youngest son is a means God is using to teach me to be more aware of His daily care for us and to be more thankful that He continues to preserve us.
When our son was born after a very healthy pregnancy and normal delivery, the cord was wrapped around his neck and he stopped breathing. He was plopped on my lap for all of five seconds and then briskly swiped away to the resuscitation table, as the midwife realized that he hadn't recovered from the trauma. She was able to get him breathing again, and he's been an energizer bunny of a boy ever since. But in the probably only 2 minutes that felt like an eternity while she worked on him with the oxygen pump, Nathan and I faced the very real possibility that modern medicine might fail and our newborn son might die before we'd even really had a good look at him. What a relief when he let out a hearty cry and was restored to my arms! God preserved his life that day, and we were well aware of it.
A few years later, our basement flooded in the middle of the night. We were alerted to this by our older son who had gotten up to use the washroom, and had climbed down off his bed into a few inches of water (the kids all sleep in the basement). After getting everybody up and dealing with the immediate tasks needed to bring down the water level, we began the work of drying everything out, including our younger son's mattress, which had been on the floor, as he had just recently moved out of the crib. It was at that point that we realized that if the water had risen only another couple inches, his mattress would have been submerged, and he might not have woken up that day. God had preserved his life again, and we were again well aware of it.
Last week at the library, this same little boy wandered away, and by the time I realized he was gone, his search for me had taken him outside into the parking lot. He was noticed, and I was called to collect him at the front desk, but that could have ended very badly. Thankfully, he was under God's watchful eye, even when he had escaped mine, and God preserved him.
But that boy is a risk taker, and it is not unlikely that each and every day of his life, God has kept him from some fatal danger that we weren't even aware of!
We are so quick to grieve when God takes something precious away from us. We don't often restrain ourselves from complaint when God brings adverse circumstances into our day. We are anxious about whether our kids will die of SIDS, or by being hit by a car, or by falling down the stairs, or by drowning, and we are so slow to entrust them and their lives to our Father in Heaven. And yet, how many times has He already spared them, unbeknownst to us? How many times has He kept us from the likely results of our own foolishness? How many times has Satan asked to sift us like wheat, and God has replied, "No, not this time"? How many times has God stayed His hand, and restrained wrath? How many times have we been given life when we deserved death?
We've had tragedy in our lives. We've had two children that we never had the chance to meet, due to miscarriage. We've experienced health emergencies, deaths among our extended family and friends, serious financial loss, the consequences of divorce and more. But if I spend more time asking "Why?" about these sad circumstances than I do praising God for all the times those things could have happened and didn't, my vision is skewed.
We often hear the question, "If God is so good (and so powerful), why does He allow suffering?" Allow me to turn the question on its head: If God is not good (and all powerful), why does He so often hold the suffering back? If God were not in control, how much more often would our lives fall apart? How much more often would we be under the vicious attacks of the devil? How many more days would there be when someone didn't wake up?
"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever." (Psalm 138:7-8a)
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