The first time it happened to me, I was in the middle of a choir rehearsal at church, about 10 years ago. All of a sudden, for no reason I was aware of, my heart felt like it was racing away and my whole body started to get that tingly pins-and-needles sensation. We didn't know what was going on, and since I was saying my chest hurt and I thought I might pass out, someone called the paramedics. They administered oxygen, but since that made me feel quite a bit better and my vital signs were normal, there was no further testing and I went home. It didn't take too long for that experience to fade, and I didn't think much of it until it happened again almost 3 years ago, during my last pregnancy. This time it was far worse--something was sitting on my chest and I began to feel like I couldn't breathe. It was the middle of the night, but I woke Nathan up in a panic and he called the hospital. As he relayed the nurse's questions to me and I was forced to talk, the tightness slowly began to ease, and eventually, whatever was weighing down my chest jumped off and ran away, though it left me shaken and wiped out. It was at this point that we recognized this as a panic attack. It was also at this point that these attacks gradually became more frequent, until last fall, when they began occurring at least once a week. We thought something might be wrong with my heart that was triggering the panic response (considering my family history, that wouldn't be surprising), but several trips to the ER and for all kinds of testing and monitoring turned up nothing but occasional palpitations in an area consistent with stress. In other words, my body was just reacting to stress in an extreme way. And the frequency of the attacks was exacerbated by the fact that I was having such frequent attacks, since they leave you feeling mentally strained and physically exhausted, which in turn, raises stress levels. It can be a vicious cycle. Thankfully, in answer to many prayers, the regularity of these episodes decreased significantly after a few months, and I've only had one or two major attacks since then. But even now, it is not uncommon for me to have minor symptoms at night when I lie down to sleep, especially if it has been a busy day.
And so it was encouraging for me to read Stephen Altrogge's post over at The Blazing Centre this week, in which he talks about his own struggle with physical anxiety.
I appreciated, first of all, that he distinguishes between physical anxiety and worry (or "being anxious"). As he says, worry is a sin. The Bible clearly tells us to be anxious for nothing. But while I can often have physical anxiety symptoms that are compounded when I start to worry about my symptoms, they are very rarely initially triggered by any conscious worry on my part. In fact, these days more often than not, the anxiety attacks don't make me anxious. I can be settling down for a good night's sleep after a fairly busy day, thinking nothing of it, and suddenly feel my heart start to pound. I know what it is now, and it doesn't make me worry (granted, it's a lot easier to keep from worry when you know the cause), but it may keep me awake for a long time just because I'm physically uncomfortable. Even though it's called physical anxiety, manifesting itself in panic attacks, there is often no mental anxiety or panic behind it. It's almost as if my physical body reacts to stress by flipping out, even when my mind is calm and handling things well... even when, at least to the degree that I can tell, I'm entrusting my health and the busyness of the day to the Lord. I struggled for a while with this distinction, worrying that I must be worrying, and that my sin of anxiety must be triggering these episodes. But while it is true that actual sinful anxiety can trigger them, and can certainly compound them, physical anxiety symptoms are, in and of themselves, an involuntary physical reaction. This is very humbling because there is nothing I can really do to fight it. Something is wrong with the way my body functions. I mean, I can take medication (I'm not, but I have nothing against it, and if things were extreme again, I would be filling a prescription). I can try to minimize stress (when the doctor told me, with my 4 young children in the office, that I needed to lower the amount of stress in my life, I wanted to laugh at him!). But these things can only help so much. It is out of my control, and I can't be released from the effects by appropriating God's forgiveness, sharing my struggle with a godly friend and seeking to walk in obedience by the Spirit's help. I can't change it, and God has made no promise to change it or even that he desires healing in this area. He may even desire to allow things to worsen, for the sake of my growth in sanctification.
But Altrogge also goes on to talk about how he's learning to see physical anxiety as a mercy (albeit a hard one). I have found the same thing in my own life, and have often thought of it in the same category--as a thorn of weakness sent to demonstrate my need and God's overwhelming strength. I've always been seen as a competent, put-together person who can handle a significant amount of stress and upheaval--"tough as nails", as my husband often puts it. And I've always thought of myself this way, too. That is, I thought of myself that way until last fall. Then God sent 3 months of concentrated physical anxiety into my life that turned me upside down and shook all the change out of my pockets. I would have an attack, and it would be over, but the loss of sleep (for me, they happen most often at night) and the stress on my body would leave me worn down and weak for a few days. Then, just as I'd start to recover, I'd have another attack. It's not easy, or even possible, to be totally competent and put-together when you're not sleeping, your body is running itself down, you don't entirely know what's wrong, and you've still got 4 kids to care for. I began to realize that it didn't take much for me to be put out of commission. I mean, it wasn't like I had cancer, or actual heart problems. They were just panic attacks. But that's how weak I am--my body's reaction to stress is enough to take me out. I began to realize that I couldn't handle the schedule I was on. The human body isn't meant to run indefinitely. I'm limited. I began to come to the very real realization, each time my chest clammed up and I couldn't get my breath, that God holds every next breath in his hand, and it is his to give or take away as he sees fit. And while all this could have made me fall to pieces, or get angry at God, or question his goodness, by God's grace alone, it has actually worked to make me more dependent, more willing to accept my limitations, more humble and more thankful for every day of life and health that I do have. And so, I too am thankful for the hard mercy of physical anxiety.
I had a mild attack just the other night--actually, the same day I read Altrogge's post. It wasn't fun and I lost a fair bit of sleep. But if this thorn is what it takes for me to learn to rest in God's strength alone and to be humble enough to ask for help from others, I'll learn to welcome it. It shows that I am weak and incompetent and my body doesn't even know when to calm down when my mind tells it to, but God is glorious and all-powerful and his being never freaks out when things get a little chaotic or stressful, and HE is the one who empowers me to do what he has called me to do, even when I'm exhausted and something is sitting on my chest. And one day, after this thorn has given him all the glory he has purposed it to give, he will remove it forever! (Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!)
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Thursday, November 01, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Don't Test the Speaker!
Have you ever prayed for energy to deal patiently with the kids... and then stayed up way too late browsing the internet? Or watched a movie you felt uncomfortable about while praying for God's protection over your mind? I have.
Last week, I wrote about the fact that what ultimately causes us to go on existing is not our own efforts or our circumstances (be they good or bad), but rather God's powerful, effective, creative, sustaining word that accomplishes His will for us. As I pointed out in that post, Jesus' first response to the temptations of the devil in Matthew 4 expresses his confidence in the Father's ability to uphold his life by His word even when he has no physical sustenance. What is interesting and instructive is the devil's response to Jesus. The very next thing he tempts Jesus to do is to throw himself off the pinnacle of the temple, because angels are sure to catch him. As William Hendriksen points out, in his commentary on Matthew, it is as if the devil is saying to him, "You trust that your Father will keep you alive by the power of His effective word as long as it is His will, whether you've got food or not? Well, then prove that you can't thwart His will! Throw yourself down, and show me that He'll sustain you!" But how does Jesus respond? "Again, it is written, 'You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.'" Hendriksen says, "The false trust in the Father, which the devil demanded of Jesus in this second temptation was not any better than the distrust he had proposed in the first."
We are not to be anxious about our lives or the lives of our loved ones. We are carried by God's word even through very difficult or impossible situations. And even when life is easy and pleasant, it is still God's word that allows us to continue to live. But it is also quite possible to have a false confidence in God's ability and desire to sustain us that makes us reckless, foolish and irresponsible. God is sovereign over our lives, but He has also gifted us with working brains and the Spirit's guidance. He commands us to ask Him for wisdom when we lack it (James 1:5). The Bible is full of God's revelation of true wisdom to us, and if we ignore or deny God's wisdom for our lives, all the while expecting that God will protect us anyway, we are putting our Father to the test.
Hendriksen gives some examples:
Maybe you're a student who "forgets" to study and then pleads with God to help you pass your exam. Maybe you're a mother who prays daily for the safety of her children, but is too busy surfing the web (or writing her blog) to effectively supervise them. Maybe you're a driver who can't imagine that God would ever allow you to be the one involved in a fatal crash, but you don't maintain your vehicle and you drive too fast. Maybe you're praying for God's provision for a big financial need you have, but you aren't careful with your budget, and when you get an extra little bit of unexpected money, you spend it on your passions instead (James 4:3)."'You shall not put the Lord your God to the test' is the answer to all of this."
None of us lives in perfect wisdom. Only Jesus has ever done that! And his righteous response to Satan's temptation is counted to us who believe the gospel, even when we give in to that very same temptation. And God is often merciful to speak His sustaining words even when we have been incredibly stupid, or just plain naive. It is also true that we may be a very godly, wise person and yet God in His good wisdom ends our life in an early or tragic way. But we must not put Him to the test, ignoring His means of sustenance and presupposing on His desire to give us life. Rather, in thankfulness for His continued care and revealed wisdom, let us press on to grow in the grace of wisdom, trusting fully that it is not ultimately our efforts but God's powerful and merciful word that sustains us, and using the mental faculties that He has provided, and relying on His written word and the guidance of His Spirit to make us wise, responsible, careful children of our Father in heaven.
Last week, I wrote about the fact that what ultimately causes us to go on existing is not our own efforts or our circumstances (be they good or bad), but rather God's powerful, effective, creative, sustaining word that accomplishes His will for us. As I pointed out in that post, Jesus' first response to the temptations of the devil in Matthew 4 expresses his confidence in the Father's ability to uphold his life by His word even when he has no physical sustenance. What is interesting and instructive is the devil's response to Jesus. The very next thing he tempts Jesus to do is to throw himself off the pinnacle of the temple, because angels are sure to catch him. As William Hendriksen points out, in his commentary on Matthew, it is as if the devil is saying to him, "You trust that your Father will keep you alive by the power of His effective word as long as it is His will, whether you've got food or not? Well, then prove that you can't thwart His will! Throw yourself down, and show me that He'll sustain you!" But how does Jesus respond? "Again, it is written, 'You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.'" Hendriksen says, "The false trust in the Father, which the devil demanded of Jesus in this second temptation was not any better than the distrust he had proposed in the first."
We are not to be anxious about our lives or the lives of our loved ones. We are carried by God's word even through very difficult or impossible situations. And even when life is easy and pleasant, it is still God's word that allows us to continue to live. But it is also quite possible to have a false confidence in God's ability and desire to sustain us that makes us reckless, foolish and irresponsible. God is sovereign over our lives, but He has also gifted us with working brains and the Spirit's guidance. He commands us to ask Him for wisdom when we lack it (James 1:5). The Bible is full of God's revelation of true wisdom to us, and if we ignore or deny God's wisdom for our lives, all the while expecting that God will protect us anyway, we are putting our Father to the test.
Hendriksen gives some examples:
"A person will earnestly beseech the Lord to bestow upon him the blessing of health; however, he neglects to observe the rules of health. Or, he will ask God to save his soul; however, he neglects to use the means of grace, such as the study of Scripture, church attendance, the sacraments, living a life for the benefit of others to the glory of God. Again, someone will plead with the Lord for the spiritual as well as physical welfare of his children, but he himself neglects to bring them up in the way of the Lord... 'You shall not put the Lord your God to the test' is the answer to all of this."
Maybe you're a student who "forgets" to study and then pleads with God to help you pass your exam. Maybe you're a mother who prays daily for the safety of her children, but is too busy surfing the web (or writing her blog) to effectively supervise them. Maybe you're a driver who can't imagine that God would ever allow you to be the one involved in a fatal crash, but you don't maintain your vehicle and you drive too fast. Maybe you're praying for God's provision for a big financial need you have, but you aren't careful with your budget, and when you get an extra little bit of unexpected money, you spend it on your passions instead (James 4:3)."'You shall not put the Lord your God to the test' is the answer to all of this."
None of us lives in perfect wisdom. Only Jesus has ever done that! And his righteous response to Satan's temptation is counted to us who believe the gospel, even when we give in to that very same temptation. And God is often merciful to speak His sustaining words even when we have been incredibly stupid, or just plain naive. It is also true that we may be a very godly, wise person and yet God in His good wisdom ends our life in an early or tragic way. But we must not put Him to the test, ignoring His means of sustenance and presupposing on His desire to give us life. Rather, in thankfulness for His continued care and revealed wisdom, let us press on to grow in the grace of wisdom, trusting fully that it is not ultimately our efforts but God's powerful and merciful word that sustains us, and using the mental faculties that He has provided, and relying on His written word and the guidance of His Spirit to make us wise, responsible, careful children of our Father in heaven.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Sustained By Words
"As creatures of God we are totally dependent upon him for everything. We are dependent not only on the continual rule or providence of God in nature for the production of food and other goods, but also for every moment of our existence. We draw the next breath, our hearts beat the next beat, we are conscious of the next moment of our existence only because God goes on sustaining the very substance of creation. There are no laws of nature that are self-sustaining. If God were to withdraw for a split second his powerful word, the universe would cease to exist in that same split second. That is why man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God (Deut 8:3; see also Ps 104:24-30). So Christ, as the creative Word of God, sustains 'all things by his powerful word' (Heb 1:3), and 'in him all things hold together' (Col 1:17)."
-Graeme Goldworthy, According to Plan: The Unfolding Revelation of God in the Bible
These thoughts gave me a new insight into Jesus' quoting of Deuteronomy 8:3 when the Devil tempts him to turn stones into bread after 40 days of fasting (and serious hunger!). I've always thought of this response as meaning that man can't just survive on physical sustenance, but also needs the spiritual food of meditation on God's written word to grant him life. That is certainly a true biblical idea, but what Jesus is saying here is, in the words of William Hendriksen, "Tempter, you are proceeding upon the false assumption that for a man, in order to appease hunger and keep alive, bread is absolutely necessary. Over against this erroneous idea, I now declare that not bread but the creative, energizing, and sustaining power of my Father is the only indispensable source of my, and of man's, life and well-being." (Exposition of the Gospel According to Matthew
)
Hendriksen goes on:
"The expression 'every word that comes out through the mouth of God' refers to the word of his power. It is God's omnipotence exercised in creation and preservation. It is his word of effective command; for example, 'And God said, Let there be light, and there was light' (Gen. 1:3); 'By the word of Jehovah were the heavens made' (Ps. 33:6)."
The point is this: Man can eat as much bread as he can get a hold of and yet, if God withdraws His sustaining word, such a person will die that very instant. Conversely, man can be without any bread due to circumstances beyond his control--and by God's mercy, even circumstances WITHIN his control-- and yet, by God's sustaining word that man will go on living.
This doesn't negate human responsibility (more on that in another post), but places our responsibility squarely UNDER God's sovereign dominion and care. We live and move and have our being only because God continues to speak His sustaining word that commands us to go on living. And what a relief this is to the anxieties of daily life!
As I drive back and forth from VBS this week, logging 500 kms just in multiple short trips, I am aware that the reason I have yet to drive off the road or hit another car is not merely the good condition of our van or my ability to stay alert and focus on the road (anyone who's ever had 4 kids in the back of their van knows it couldn't possibly be that!), though these are agents of God's care. I have yet to die on the road because God continues to speak His powerful words of existence for me.
If you are fighting illness, or you worry every time your child acts out crazy kid-antics on the jungle gym, or things are so tight that you literally don't know where tomorrow's meal is going to come from, trust that God's word will speak sustenance until the very moment HE has appointed for the end. It is not bread, or health or helicopter parenting that keeps us all going. And "which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" (Matt. 6:27) Man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of God, and His powerful word will never cease to command and carry out His good, pleasing and perfect will.
-Graeme Goldworthy, According to Plan: The Unfolding Revelation of God in the Bible
These thoughts gave me a new insight into Jesus' quoting of Deuteronomy 8:3 when the Devil tempts him to turn stones into bread after 40 days of fasting (and serious hunger!). I've always thought of this response as meaning that man can't just survive on physical sustenance, but also needs the spiritual food of meditation on God's written word to grant him life. That is certainly a true biblical idea, but what Jesus is saying here is, in the words of William Hendriksen, "Tempter, you are proceeding upon the false assumption that for a man, in order to appease hunger and keep alive, bread is absolutely necessary. Over against this erroneous idea, I now declare that not bread but the creative, energizing, and sustaining power of my Father is the only indispensable source of my, and of man's, life and well-being." (Exposition of the Gospel According to Matthew
)Hendriksen goes on:
"The expression 'every word that comes out through the mouth of God' refers to the word of his power. It is God's omnipotence exercised in creation and preservation. It is his word of effective command; for example, 'And God said, Let there be light, and there was light' (Gen. 1:3); 'By the word of Jehovah were the heavens made' (Ps. 33:6)."
The point is this: Man can eat as much bread as he can get a hold of and yet, if God withdraws His sustaining word, such a person will die that very instant. Conversely, man can be without any bread due to circumstances beyond his control--and by God's mercy, even circumstances WITHIN his control-- and yet, by God's sustaining word that man will go on living.
This doesn't negate human responsibility (more on that in another post), but places our responsibility squarely UNDER God's sovereign dominion and care. We live and move and have our being only because God continues to speak His sustaining word that commands us to go on living. And what a relief this is to the anxieties of daily life!
As I drive back and forth from VBS this week, logging 500 kms just in multiple short trips, I am aware that the reason I have yet to drive off the road or hit another car is not merely the good condition of our van or my ability to stay alert and focus on the road (anyone who's ever had 4 kids in the back of their van knows it couldn't possibly be that!), though these are agents of God's care. I have yet to die on the road because God continues to speak His powerful words of existence for me.
If you are fighting illness, or you worry every time your child acts out crazy kid-antics on the jungle gym, or things are so tight that you literally don't know where tomorrow's meal is going to come from, trust that God's word will speak sustenance until the very moment HE has appointed for the end. It is not bread, or health or helicopter parenting that keeps us all going. And "which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" (Matt. 6:27) Man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of God, and His powerful word will never cease to command and carry out His good, pleasing and perfect will.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Cars, Papers and Living Words
God always provides what we need.
It's a truth I'm still learning to really believe, and it's a truth my kids don't grasp yet either. My oldest daughter, in particular, is very easily gripped by anxiety when she perceives a need or problem (however small) and can't immediately see how she can fix it. This morning I encountered yet another example of this. It's VBS week (which means it's my week to live in the car) and yesterday, she left some papers at a friend's house that she needed to bring today. She realized this as we were heading out the door, already on the verge of being late. Instantly, her world began to fall to pieces. Anguished outbursts like "Mommy, if I don't have those papers, I'm going to FAIL VBS!" and several "But what ifs" were her contribution to the getting-out-the-door conversation. The mood in the car was no better.
So before we started on their memory verse for the day, I pleaded with my daughter to trust that God knows what we need and always provides it. He knows whether she needs those papers today, so she doesn't need to worry about it. I then related to the kids how Mommy and Daddy are often tempted to be anxious and not trust God's goodness and provision for us. Just this week, Nathan's car was hit (thankfully, he wasn't in it and no one was hurt), and the damage was bad enough that we thought it might be totaled. If so, we'd be needing to purchase a new vehicle, and that would cost us more than the old one was worth--money we didn't have. We had a few days to wait for the damage assessment and during that time, worry was an easy option. But both past experience and--more importantly--God's Word tell us that He always cares for our true needs and so, I told the kids, we prayed that God would provide the right provision for our car need. And because God is always faithful, He did. In His kindness and provision, the car is a hair less than totaled, so it will be fixed at no cost of any of us by the insurance, and we don't need a new vehicle. (And of course, had it actually been totaled, we know God would have somehow provided us with a new one... or a job that didn't require a car... or some other answer I don't yet have a category for!) This, I told my daughter, is how God cares for the details of our lives, and so we must not be anxious, but trust and pray.
Then we turned to the memory verse, which "happened" to be Psalm 46:1. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." After repeating it with them once, it occurred to me that such a verse was immediately applicable to my daughter's trouble with the forgotten VBS papers. I was just about to point this out when she piped up, "Hey, Mommy! This verse is exactly about my situation and what you just said! How did the VBS people know to make this the verse for today?!" ....Which gave me the opportunity to say, "That's God's provision for you! He knew you'd have this trouble today, and He knew that this verse would apply. He's already begun to answer our prayer for provision by providing you with His Word today. That's how good He is, that He makes even those little details work together for your good." And then we talked about what it means for God to be our refuge, and an ever-present one at that.
She was left in wonder that a seemingly "random" VBS Bible verse could be given by God to speak directly into her day, and I was left praising the God who opens the eyes even of little children to see and hear how His words apply to their lives (and mine!).
Thank you, Lord, for not only allowing my daugher to hear your Word regularly from infancy, but also for granting her the faith-building experience of seeing your Word come alive to her in the midst of her very present 8-year-old troubles. May we all grow in trusting your good and gracious provision for our lives, not only in fixed cars or found papers, but also especially in your living Word to your people!
It's a truth I'm still learning to really believe, and it's a truth my kids don't grasp yet either. My oldest daughter, in particular, is very easily gripped by anxiety when she perceives a need or problem (however small) and can't immediately see how she can fix it. This morning I encountered yet another example of this. It's VBS week (which means it's my week to live in the car) and yesterday, she left some papers at a friend's house that she needed to bring today. She realized this as we were heading out the door, already on the verge of being late. Instantly, her world began to fall to pieces. Anguished outbursts like "Mommy, if I don't have those papers, I'm going to FAIL VBS!" and several "But what ifs" were her contribution to the getting-out-the-door conversation. The mood in the car was no better.
So before we started on their memory verse for the day, I pleaded with my daughter to trust that God knows what we need and always provides it. He knows whether she needs those papers today, so she doesn't need to worry about it. I then related to the kids how Mommy and Daddy are often tempted to be anxious and not trust God's goodness and provision for us. Just this week, Nathan's car was hit (thankfully, he wasn't in it and no one was hurt), and the damage was bad enough that we thought it might be totaled. If so, we'd be needing to purchase a new vehicle, and that would cost us more than the old one was worth--money we didn't have. We had a few days to wait for the damage assessment and during that time, worry was an easy option. But both past experience and--more importantly--God's Word tell us that He always cares for our true needs and so, I told the kids, we prayed that God would provide the right provision for our car need. And because God is always faithful, He did. In His kindness and provision, the car is a hair less than totaled, so it will be fixed at no cost of any of us by the insurance, and we don't need a new vehicle. (And of course, had it actually been totaled, we know God would have somehow provided us with a new one... or a job that didn't require a car... or some other answer I don't yet have a category for!) This, I told my daughter, is how God cares for the details of our lives, and so we must not be anxious, but trust and pray.
Then we turned to the memory verse, which "happened" to be Psalm 46:1. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." After repeating it with them once, it occurred to me that such a verse was immediately applicable to my daughter's trouble with the forgotten VBS papers. I was just about to point this out when she piped up, "Hey, Mommy! This verse is exactly about my situation and what you just said! How did the VBS people know to make this the verse for today?!" ....Which gave me the opportunity to say, "That's God's provision for you! He knew you'd have this trouble today, and He knew that this verse would apply. He's already begun to answer our prayer for provision by providing you with His Word today. That's how good He is, that He makes even those little details work together for your good." And then we talked about what it means for God to be our refuge, and an ever-present one at that.
She was left in wonder that a seemingly "random" VBS Bible verse could be given by God to speak directly into her day, and I was left praising the God who opens the eyes even of little children to see and hear how His words apply to their lives (and mine!).
Thank you, Lord, for not only allowing my daugher to hear your Word regularly from infancy, but also for granting her the faith-building experience of seeing your Word come alive to her in the midst of her very present 8-year-old troubles. May we all grow in trusting your good and gracious provision for our lives, not only in fixed cars or found papers, but also especially in your living Word to your people!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Chaos Controlled
"At once I was in the Spirit, and behold, a throne stood in heaven, with one seated on the throne... and before the throne there was as it were a sea of glass, like crystal." (Revelation 4:2,6)
When I hear the word "sea", the image that springs to mind is of a quiet beach with waves gently crashing against the warm sand, beautiful blue water spread out as far as the eye can see. A lovely, inviting picture, eh? And so when I think of God's throne sitting over a sea of glass, I don't blink an eye.
But to people of ancient times, and still to mariners and coast-dwellers today, the sea is a volatile, dangerous place, the kind of place you might go and never return home. In the Bible, the sea is a picture of chaos and evil, as in Isaiah 57:20. And so for John to see a sea that was still and calm enough to look like glass would have been unusual for him. But in this heavenly scene, the sea of chaos and turmoil is subject to God's throne, and therefore, it lies calm at His feet.
The dictionary defines chaos with terms like "confused unorganized state", "inherent unpredictability", "complete disorder". If you've lived for any length of time on this earth, you've experienced it--one thing after another totally out of your control. If you have small kids, it may feel like the definition of your life! But even when life is out of your control, is it really out of control? Even when you can't foresee the calamity about to be compounded, is it really unpredicted? Is chaos a reality? From our perception, yes. But John's vision of the unseen, very present reality answers a resounding "no"! Chaos is only ever real from our human perspective. From the perception of heaven, all circumstances, calamities, turmoil and chaos are firmly under the ruling throne of God Almighty, and are predicted, orderly, fully under control, calm as a sparkling crystal sea. If we can only see our chaos from heaven's perspective, how much less anxiety, fear and emotional turmoil we will experience in the midst of it!
On Sunday morning, after an enjoyable, peaceful Saturday, I was meditating on this truth. Then I headed into what was supposed to be a fairly relaxed day. Little did I know that the hour of time before church would turn into chaos--an unexpected responsibility, a change of plans, discouraging news, a slightly late departure followed by an overheating radiator in the van that had me tensely watching the thermostat all the way to church, praying that we'd make it there, especially since I had no method of contacting Nathan should we break down. (Did you read my Moth and Rust post? Yes, this is still the same week!) We did make it, but we were late, and as I was dealing with a fussy kid, I was unable to carry out my responsibility to pray in the service. I was literally shaking when we finally got settled in our pew.
And then we sang "Behold Our God". As we got to the chorus line, "Behold our God seated on the throne", it hit me. He's on His throne, and all that "chaos" of the last hour? It's under His feet, completely controlled. He's got it all in His hands. He knew all those circumstances would come together like that. He even knew we'd sing that song so I could have my perception changed to see the real reality and worship. There's really no such thing as true chaos. Sure, it feels like chaos when we've lost sight of the heavenly reality and realize we're not in control of our situation. But it's a calm sea under His feet, and the day is coming when the sea will be no more (Rev. 21:1)!
I've twice been stuck on a country road with a broken-down van full of kids and no cell phone. It's no fun. And the kids like to point out the one spot everytime we go down that road, so I get constant reminders :) The idea of it happening again feels like chaos to me. But we've got daily swimming lessons this week, which means I can't take the van to the shop just yet. So we open the windows, turn on the heat (thank you, Lord, for cooler temps this week!), keep an occasional eye on the thermostat, blast a CD and sing at full volume about God on His throne all the way to the pool and back. The chaos is controlled!
"Some went down to the sea in ships,
doing business on the great waters;
they saw the deeds of the Lord,
his wondrous works in the deep.
For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,
which lifted up the waves of the sea.
They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;
their courage melted away in their evil plight;
they reeled and staggered like drunken men
and were at their wits' end.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He made the storm be still,
and the waves of the sea were hushed.
Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,
and he brought them to their desired haven.
Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
Let them extol him in the congregation of the people,
and praise him in the assembly of the elders."
(Psalm 107:23-32)
When I hear the word "sea", the image that springs to mind is of a quiet beach with waves gently crashing against the warm sand, beautiful blue water spread out as far as the eye can see. A lovely, inviting picture, eh? And so when I think of God's throne sitting over a sea of glass, I don't blink an eye.
But to people of ancient times, and still to mariners and coast-dwellers today, the sea is a volatile, dangerous place, the kind of place you might go and never return home. In the Bible, the sea is a picture of chaos and evil, as in Isaiah 57:20. And so for John to see a sea that was still and calm enough to look like glass would have been unusual for him. But in this heavenly scene, the sea of chaos and turmoil is subject to God's throne, and therefore, it lies calm at His feet.
The dictionary defines chaos with terms like "confused unorganized state", "inherent unpredictability", "complete disorder". If you've lived for any length of time on this earth, you've experienced it--one thing after another totally out of your control. If you have small kids, it may feel like the definition of your life! But even when life is out of your control, is it really out of control? Even when you can't foresee the calamity about to be compounded, is it really unpredicted? Is chaos a reality? From our perception, yes. But John's vision of the unseen, very present reality answers a resounding "no"! Chaos is only ever real from our human perspective. From the perception of heaven, all circumstances, calamities, turmoil and chaos are firmly under the ruling throne of God Almighty, and are predicted, orderly, fully under control, calm as a sparkling crystal sea. If we can only see our chaos from heaven's perspective, how much less anxiety, fear and emotional turmoil we will experience in the midst of it!
On Sunday morning, after an enjoyable, peaceful Saturday, I was meditating on this truth. Then I headed into what was supposed to be a fairly relaxed day. Little did I know that the hour of time before church would turn into chaos--an unexpected responsibility, a change of plans, discouraging news, a slightly late departure followed by an overheating radiator in the van that had me tensely watching the thermostat all the way to church, praying that we'd make it there, especially since I had no method of contacting Nathan should we break down. (Did you read my Moth and Rust post? Yes, this is still the same week!) We did make it, but we were late, and as I was dealing with a fussy kid, I was unable to carry out my responsibility to pray in the service. I was literally shaking when we finally got settled in our pew.
And then we sang "Behold Our God". As we got to the chorus line, "Behold our God seated on the throne", it hit me. He's on His throne, and all that "chaos" of the last hour? It's under His feet, completely controlled. He's got it all in His hands. He knew all those circumstances would come together like that. He even knew we'd sing that song so I could have my perception changed to see the real reality and worship. There's really no such thing as true chaos. Sure, it feels like chaos when we've lost sight of the heavenly reality and realize we're not in control of our situation. But it's a calm sea under His feet, and the day is coming when the sea will be no more (Rev. 21:1)!
I've twice been stuck on a country road with a broken-down van full of kids and no cell phone. It's no fun. And the kids like to point out the one spot everytime we go down that road, so I get constant reminders :) The idea of it happening again feels like chaos to me. But we've got daily swimming lessons this week, which means I can't take the van to the shop just yet. So we open the windows, turn on the heat (thank you, Lord, for cooler temps this week!), keep an occasional eye on the thermostat, blast a CD and sing at full volume about God on His throne all the way to the pool and back. The chaos is controlled!
"Some went down to the sea in ships,
doing business on the great waters;
they saw the deeds of the Lord,
his wondrous works in the deep.
For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,
which lifted up the waves of the sea.
They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;
their courage melted away in their evil plight;
they reeled and staggered like drunken men
and were at their wits' end.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He made the storm be still,
and the waves of the sea were hushed.
Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,
and he brought them to their desired haven.
Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
Let them extol him in the congregation of the people,
and praise him in the assembly of the elders."
(Psalm 107:23-32)
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
A Second Clarification on Anxiety
If God cares for me, why do some of my anxieties become realities?
A few years ago, I had a miscarriage, and when I was pregnant again a few months later, I struggled with anxieties that this new pregnancy would also end in miscarriage. I sought to faithfully carry these fears to God in prayer; I sought to rest in His care for me and for my unborn child. And that pregnancy ended in another miscarriage. My anxieties were realized. Did that mean that God ceased to care? That He wasn't listening to my prayers? No. God's care for me included circumstances that I would not have wished for, that I didn't understand, that were very hard to undergo. But He was still caring for me, even in the midst of trials. He carried me faithfully through the whole ordeal. Though I wept many tears over our loss, He kept me from despair. He gave me peace that passed all understanding, joy in the midst of suffering, and a new ability to care for other women facing multiple miscarriages. The end result (well, at least the end as far as I can see, but I'm sure there are many other things I'll only be aware of once I see it with heavenly eyes) was that I knew God more, that I trusted Him more, that I was more aware of His tender mercies to me, and that I was more fit for service to other women in similar circumstances. God cared for me too much to keep me from those gracious things.
There are many questions about suffering that are difficult for finite humans to fully answer. But we must trust God's Word when it tells us that if we are in Christ, not only do the easy blessings work for our good, but also the sufferings of this life, and even our own sin (Romans 8:28-30, among others). In fact, as the Heidelberg Catechism puts it, "all things must work together for my salvation" (Question 1), for my good, for the greater knowledge of Jesus and His glorious gospel. And these results are from a loving and caring Father, who does not withhold difficulty and discipline from his beloved children, but rather trains them through it to grow more like His firstborn, Jesus Christ.
Some helpful passages to meditate on when those fears become realities are the following:
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
A First Clarification on Anxiety
Is there any room for worry over things that are truly frightening?
The fact that the Bible calls anxiety a sin does not mean that it doesn't also acknowledge that there are frightening things. Peter himself, in 1 Peter 3:6, tells us not to "fear anything that is frightening". And Paul tells us that if we take our anxieties to God in prayer, "the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard [our] hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" (Phil. 4:7). If that peace surpasses all understanding, that means that the human mind cannot understand how peace is possible in a given circumstance; i.e., there are "legitimate" reasons to be terrified. So yes, there are frightening things in this fallen world: car crashes, war, homicide, fire, cancer, heart attacks, theft, tornadoes, freak accidents, kidnappings, and the list goes on. But while there are scary things in this world, we need to remind ourselves that we serve a God who is control of every one of those possibilities and all the others I haven't listed, that we are His children under His tender care, and that He only does what is good for us and for His glory. And so we fight to take even these kinds of anxiety to our Father in heaven.
In the context of speaking to his disciples about the persecution they will face as His servants (certainly a little frightening), Jesus says this:
"So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." (Matthew 10:26-31)
Monday, April 02, 2012
Hope and Help For the Trials of Motherhood: Part 4
A Mother's Peace
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6,7)
Motherhood is full of anxieties. We start off waking up multiple times a night just to make sure that the newborn is still breathing. Then we try our very best to guard them against harm by installing all kinds of child safety locks (often more effective at keeping parents out than kids!) and by guiding their every move at the playground. If they go off to public school (or any other activity away from home), we may anxiously await their safe return at the end of the day. We fear the teenage years, we fear the learner's permit, we fear that they might meet the right person, we fear that they might never meet the right person. And in between, we worry daily about all kinds of minute details of their lives and ours.
But not only does humbling ourselves under God's mighty hand mean that we are content with the circumstances He is currently placing into our lives, it also means that we are not anxious about the circumstances that He may, or may not, bring into our lives in the future, whether that future is later today or 20 years from now. We are not seeking to control our circumstances on our own by continually mulling over the possibilities, by rehearsing a thousand different ways to deal with the unknown future, by trying to pull ourselves through the scary situations of the present by the strength of our own fear. Temptations to anxiety are ever-present, but we must fight those temptations if we are to submit ourselves to God's rule in our lives.
Just as with contentment, it would be easy to write a whole book on anxiety (and it's been done, I'm sure). But I want to keep this manageable, so I'm going to focus on 1 Peter 5:6-7 here.
Peter gives us two things as the antidote to anxiety in this passage: one of doing, and one of knowing.
1) DO: In the first part of verse 7, Peter tells us to cast our anxieties on the Lord. We are not strong enough to carry the weight of fear and anxiety, but God is. And He is not only able to carry our burdens, He WANTS them. He tells us over and over again in Scripture to give our load to Him. The future is not ours to control (and if you think about it honestly, do you really want to live in a future controlled by sinful man?). We don't know what's really best for our lives, but God does. So the safest place for the future and all our anxieties about it is in God's hands. "Cast your burden on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved" (Psalm 55:22). Note also, that we are not to reluctantly hand over our burdens, we're not to quietly slide them over to God when no one is looking to see that we're really not in control. Peter (quoting David) tells us to CAST them! Use all your strength, all your will, all the Spirit's power at work within you, and toss that anxiety toward God and as far away from you as possible!
And what does it look like for us to cast our burdens on the Lord? It looks like prayer. Whether it is concerted prayer alone in the quiet of your room for an hour, or (more likely for the mother of young children) a fairly quick prayer offered up in the middle of running after a child or washing the dishes, perhaps the same prayer offered up 20 times over the course of the day, pray all your anxieties to God. In fact, don't wait for a quiet opportunity (though when you do have time for quiet, pray long and hard). When you feel anxiety creeping in, don't carry it around, don't wallow in it, don't even entertain it. Take that anxiety to the Lord and cast it on Him immediately! It only grows bigger and harder to cast the longer you hang on to it.
And Paul tells us, in Philippians 4, that the prayer we offer against anxiety is not only to be a prayer of petition and supplication for help and peace; it is to be a prayer of thanksgiving. Just as we remind ourselves of God's mercies when we're tempted to discontentment, we need to remind ourselves of God's mercies when we're tempted to fear and anxiety.
And why?
2) KNOW: Peter tells us in the second part of verse 7 that we do this because we know that He cares for us. I think the majority of my anxieties come from not believing that God loves me and is working for my good. I fear that He will send terrible things to me as punishment because I don't fully believe that Christ took all the punishment for me at the cross. But the Bible is very clear that God DOES love us, that our punishment HAS been dealt with, and that God ONLY gives steadfast love and mercy to His children all the time.
And sometimes I don't take my "small" anxieties to the Lord because I assume he cares about me, but only really about the big things - my salvation, decisions about who to marry, or a big move, or a life-threatening illness. I assume that such a big God couldn't possibly care less about whether I get a nice meal together for company, or whether my child catches a cold, or whether the car repairs are more expensive than I was expecting, or whether I have enough hours in this day to finish my "to do" list. I don't take those worry-producing thoughts to God, because I don't think He cares enough.
But the Bible tells believers that God is our father. A parent cares about the "minutia" of their child's day. If I love my kids, I'm not just thinking about where they'll go to school, or who they'll marry, or whether they will trust the Lord. I don't just leave them to tend to all the other details. I make sure they have matching clothes to wear, that they have good food to eat for each and every meal and all the snacks in between. If they stub their toe, I kiss it better, even if it's just a little toe. I brush their hair and cut it when it gets too long. I teach them their letters. I make sure their math worksheets get done. If I skipped one of these activities for just one day, would it kill them? No. But I love them, and desire their comfort and their good, so I care for their little needs all day long. And when I am walking in the Spirit, I am doing all these things not begrudgingly, but with love and pleasure.
Well that is how God the Father treats us, only He is completely perfect and holy, so he ALWAYS cares for EVERY detail with love and pleasure. Matthew 6:25-34 tells us that we aren't to worry about little things like food and clothes because God even cares for what the birds eat and the flowers wear, and how much more His children!
When we are tempted to believe that God doesn't care for us, we need to meditate on Scripture. This is the God who controls our past, present and future:
"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love;he will exult over you with loud singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)
"For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you to be a people for his treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. It was not because you were more in number than any other people that the Lord set his love on you and chose you, for you were the fewest of all peoples, but it is because the Lord loves you and is keeping the oath that he swore to your fathers, that the Lord has brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the house of slavery, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt." (Deuteronomy 7:6-8)
"But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
let them ever sing for joy,and spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may exult in you.
For you bless the righteous, O Lord;
you cover him with favor as with a shield." (Psalm 5:11-12)
"All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness,
for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies." (Psalm 25:10)
"How precious is your steadfast love, O God.
The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings." (Psalm 36:7)
"But I will sing of your strength;
I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.
For you have been to me a fortress
and a refuge in the day of my distress.
O my Strength, I will sing praises to you,
for you, O God, are my fortress,
the God who shows me steadfast love." (Psalm 59:16-17)
"For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
peoples in exchange for your life.
Fear not, for I am with you;
I will bring your offspring from the east,
and from the west I will gather you." (Isaiah 43:3-5)
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)
Are you tempted to be anxious today? I know I have been! Let us together remember to cast those anxieties on God, and to rest in His unending care for our every moment.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6,7)
Motherhood is full of anxieties. We start off waking up multiple times a night just to make sure that the newborn is still breathing. Then we try our very best to guard them against harm by installing all kinds of child safety locks (often more effective at keeping parents out than kids!) and by guiding their every move at the playground. If they go off to public school (or any other activity away from home), we may anxiously await their safe return at the end of the day. We fear the teenage years, we fear the learner's permit, we fear that they might meet the right person, we fear that they might never meet the right person. And in between, we worry daily about all kinds of minute details of their lives and ours.
But not only does humbling ourselves under God's mighty hand mean that we are content with the circumstances He is currently placing into our lives, it also means that we are not anxious about the circumstances that He may, or may not, bring into our lives in the future, whether that future is later today or 20 years from now. We are not seeking to control our circumstances on our own by continually mulling over the possibilities, by rehearsing a thousand different ways to deal with the unknown future, by trying to pull ourselves through the scary situations of the present by the strength of our own fear. Temptations to anxiety are ever-present, but we must fight those temptations if we are to submit ourselves to God's rule in our lives.
Just as with contentment, it would be easy to write a whole book on anxiety (and it's been done, I'm sure). But I want to keep this manageable, so I'm going to focus on 1 Peter 5:6-7 here.
Peter gives us two things as the antidote to anxiety in this passage: one of doing, and one of knowing.
1) DO: In the first part of verse 7, Peter tells us to cast our anxieties on the Lord. We are not strong enough to carry the weight of fear and anxiety, but God is. And He is not only able to carry our burdens, He WANTS them. He tells us over and over again in Scripture to give our load to Him. The future is not ours to control (and if you think about it honestly, do you really want to live in a future controlled by sinful man?). We don't know what's really best for our lives, but God does. So the safest place for the future and all our anxieties about it is in God's hands. "Cast your burden on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved" (Psalm 55:22). Note also, that we are not to reluctantly hand over our burdens, we're not to quietly slide them over to God when no one is looking to see that we're really not in control. Peter (quoting David) tells us to CAST them! Use all your strength, all your will, all the Spirit's power at work within you, and toss that anxiety toward God and as far away from you as possible!
And what does it look like for us to cast our burdens on the Lord? It looks like prayer. Whether it is concerted prayer alone in the quiet of your room for an hour, or (more likely for the mother of young children) a fairly quick prayer offered up in the middle of running after a child or washing the dishes, perhaps the same prayer offered up 20 times over the course of the day, pray all your anxieties to God. In fact, don't wait for a quiet opportunity (though when you do have time for quiet, pray long and hard). When you feel anxiety creeping in, don't carry it around, don't wallow in it, don't even entertain it. Take that anxiety to the Lord and cast it on Him immediately! It only grows bigger and harder to cast the longer you hang on to it.
And Paul tells us, in Philippians 4, that the prayer we offer against anxiety is not only to be a prayer of petition and supplication for help and peace; it is to be a prayer of thanksgiving. Just as we remind ourselves of God's mercies when we're tempted to discontentment, we need to remind ourselves of God's mercies when we're tempted to fear and anxiety.
And why?
2) KNOW: Peter tells us in the second part of verse 7 that we do this because we know that He cares for us. I think the majority of my anxieties come from not believing that God loves me and is working for my good. I fear that He will send terrible things to me as punishment because I don't fully believe that Christ took all the punishment for me at the cross. But the Bible is very clear that God DOES love us, that our punishment HAS been dealt with, and that God ONLY gives steadfast love and mercy to His children all the time.
And sometimes I don't take my "small" anxieties to the Lord because I assume he cares about me, but only really about the big things - my salvation, decisions about who to marry, or a big move, or a life-threatening illness. I assume that such a big God couldn't possibly care less about whether I get a nice meal together for company, or whether my child catches a cold, or whether the car repairs are more expensive than I was expecting, or whether I have enough hours in this day to finish my "to do" list. I don't take those worry-producing thoughts to God, because I don't think He cares enough.
But the Bible tells believers that God is our father. A parent cares about the "minutia" of their child's day. If I love my kids, I'm not just thinking about where they'll go to school, or who they'll marry, or whether they will trust the Lord. I don't just leave them to tend to all the other details. I make sure they have matching clothes to wear, that they have good food to eat for each and every meal and all the snacks in between. If they stub their toe, I kiss it better, even if it's just a little toe. I brush their hair and cut it when it gets too long. I teach them their letters. I make sure their math worksheets get done. If I skipped one of these activities for just one day, would it kill them? No. But I love them, and desire their comfort and their good, so I care for their little needs all day long. And when I am walking in the Spirit, I am doing all these things not begrudgingly, but with love and pleasure.
Well that is how God the Father treats us, only He is completely perfect and holy, so he ALWAYS cares for EVERY detail with love and pleasure. Matthew 6:25-34 tells us that we aren't to worry about little things like food and clothes because God even cares for what the birds eat and the flowers wear, and how much more His children!
When we are tempted to believe that God doesn't care for us, we need to meditate on Scripture. This is the God who controls our past, present and future:
"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love;he will exult over you with loud singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)
"For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you to be a people for his treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. It was not because you were more in number than any other people that the Lord set his love on you and chose you, for you were the fewest of all peoples, but it is because the Lord loves you and is keeping the oath that he swore to your fathers, that the Lord has brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the house of slavery, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt." (Deuteronomy 7:6-8)
"But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
let them ever sing for joy,and spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may exult in you.
For you bless the righteous, O Lord;
you cover him with favor as with a shield." (Psalm 5:11-12)
"All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness,
for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies." (Psalm 25:10)
"How precious is your steadfast love, O God.
The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings." (Psalm 36:7)
"But I will sing of your strength;
I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.
For you have been to me a fortress
and a refuge in the day of my distress.
O my Strength, I will sing praises to you,
for you, O God, are my fortress,
the God who shows me steadfast love." (Psalm 59:16-17)
"For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
peoples in exchange for your life.
Fear not, for I am with you;
I will bring your offspring from the east,
and from the west I will gather you." (Isaiah 43:3-5)
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)
Are you tempted to be anxious today? I know I have been! Let us together remember to cast those anxieties on God, and to rest in His unending care for our every moment.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
On Anxiety
I went to the doctor yesterday for my regular check-up and everything looked good (he IS head-down, which was a concern for a few weeks there), except that the baby's heartbeat was a little lower than it has previously been, and on the low end of average, so the doctor ordered a nonstress test (NST), where they monitor the baby's heartrate and movement for 20 minutes to make sure that the heartra
te goes up when he moves and stays steady when he's not moving. Anyway, I had to sit there for 20 minutes listening to his little heart beat away and click on this button everytime he moved. He passed the test just fine, so the doctor said everything should be okay, but I have to keep a regular check on his kick count (how much he moves in an hour) and go straight to the hospital if it seems irregularly low to me... Of course, the odds are, given his good reaction to the NST, and the fact that he is generally very active, that all is just fine and he just happens to have a slightly lower-than-average heartrate (but still in a normal range), which could indicate that he's on the larger side. But my immediate reaction is to start thinking of all the worst possible scenarios and fear for his life and health and generally become paranoid... Which got me to thinking about a sermon I listened to Monday night that C.J. Mahaney preached during that Washington D.C. sniper stuff a couple years ago... the topic was fear (his church is in the D.C. area) and he was preaching from Psalm 27: "The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my
life; of whom shall I be afraid?...", as well as Matthew 10:26-33 where Jesus says we are not to fear those who kill the body, but rather the one who can destroy both body and soul in hell, and then goes on to talk about the Father caring for the sparrows and knowing the number of hairs on our head. His point about fearing because of not trusting God's complete sovereignty and providence in our lives was convicting enough before the doctor's appointment! I don't have time to outline all the really good and helpful points he makes in this sermon, but it's a good one, so if you have time, it's well worth a listen...
Also well worth a read on the subject of anxiety, this time specifically in relation to motherhood is this little article by Kristin Chesemore, which I first read sometime last week... Seems to me that God had my reading and listening to these resources well-timed with this last doctor's appointment!:-) So today I've been praying that I would not be finding my comfort in the fact that the medical tests seem to show that all is well, or that the last 24 hours of kick counts have shown him to be as active as ever, but rather in the fact that through Christ, I need no longer live in terror of him who can destroy not only the body but also the soul, and that God is completely sovereign over the life and health of this little boy in my womb, and is working all things for His glory and our good! "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock." (Isaiah 26: 3,4)
te goes up when he moves and stays steady when he's not moving. Anyway, I had to sit there for 20 minutes listening to his little heart beat away and click on this button everytime he moved. He passed the test just fine, so the doctor said everything should be okay, but I have to keep a regular check on his kick count (how much he moves in an hour) and go straight to the hospital if it seems irregularly low to me... Of course, the odds are, given his good reaction to the NST, and the fact that he is generally very active, that all is just fine and he just happens to have a slightly lower-than-average heartrate (but still in a normal range), which could indicate that he's on the larger side. But my immediate reaction is to start thinking of all the worst possible scenarios and fear for his life and health and generally become paranoid... Which got me to thinking about a sermon I listened to Monday night that C.J. Mahaney preached during that Washington D.C. sniper stuff a couple years ago... the topic was fear (his church is in the D.C. area) and he was preaching from Psalm 27: "The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my
life; of whom shall I be afraid?...", as well as Matthew 10:26-33 where Jesus says we are not to fear those who kill the body, but rather the one who can destroy both body and soul in hell, and then goes on to talk about the Father caring for the sparrows and knowing the number of hairs on our head. His point about fearing because of not trusting God's complete sovereignty and providence in our lives was convicting enough before the doctor's appointment! I don't have time to outline all the really good and helpful points he makes in this sermon, but it's a good one, so if you have time, it's well worth a listen...Also well worth a read on the subject of anxiety, this time specifically in relation to motherhood is this little article by Kristin Chesemore, which I first read sometime last week... Seems to me that God had my reading and listening to these resources well-timed with this last doctor's appointment!:-) So today I've been praying that I would not be finding my comfort in the fact that the medical tests seem to show that all is well, or that the last 24 hours of kick counts have shown him to be as active as ever, but rather in the fact that through Christ, I need no longer live in terror of him who can destroy not only the body but also the soul, and that God is completely sovereign over the life and health of this little boy in my womb, and is working all things for His glory and our good! "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock." (Isaiah 26: 3,4)
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Attic Squirrels
Now, as promised, my squirrel story. A few months back, I was home alone with Susanna. She was taking a nap, and I had planned to use her naptime to work on the doll I was making her for Christmas. I was sitting at the computer in our living room when I heard things falling down the hall in the bedroom. I got up to look and saw that the laundry I had folded, but not put away, was lying all over the floor (At this point I had not yet entered the bedroom, and didn't plan too). My first thought was that a mouse had done that, since we had recently had some mouse issues, but then I realized that it had to be something bigger to have made such a mess. I also thought about the scampering sounds we had been hearing in our attic, and knew that a mouse made less noise than that. Well, Nathan was not home, and I did not want to go into the bedroom, but I really wanted to get some sewing work done, and to do that, I needed the ironing board, which was against the far wall of the bedroom. I looked around and didn't see anything, so I thought I would just go in, grab the ironing board, and then shut the door and go work in the other room till Nathan got home. I tiptoed across the floor and started to pull the ironing board out. Well, our friendly attic squirrel was BEHIND the ironing board, and when I moved it, he jumped out. I tell you, I have never run so fast back into the living room! I went downstairs to get some help from our neighbours, but the husband wasn't home, so the wife, Sarah, who has apparently had a rabies shot, came upstairs with broom, closed off all the other rooms, and chased him out of the bedroom, down the stairs and out the front door. And she did it with amazing calm, saying, "Come here, honey! It's okay! Come here!" But ever since that day, everytime I hear a squirrel in the attic, I fear that he will find his way into the laundry room and then into our bedroom while we are actually in there. And if I hear him while I am in the laundry room, I fear that he will jump down on my head.
I think the theme of the day is Sarah's irrational fears.
I think the theme of the day is Sarah's irrational fears.
The Death-Mobile
Okay, the squirrel story will be in the next entry, but before I tell that one, I'd just like to say that I am terrified of automobiles, particularly those of the moving variety. I don't like being in one when someone else is driving; I HATE being in one when I'm driving. Everytime I have to go somewhere in the car, I see my life flash before my eyes. And if Susanna is with me, then I see her life flash before my eyes. I'm not exactly sure why I live in mortal fear of car accidents, but this is the reason that we can go on a ten-hour trip and I will not sleep at all in the passenger seat. I am afraid that if I close my eyes, I will never open them again. Now I am not afraid of being dead. I'm quite sure I will be happier dead and in heaven than I've ever been here. But I am afraid of dying, particularly a death of the violent kind. I'd like to go quietly in my sleep, not loudly in some nasty car crash. I know, I know, you are now thinking I'm completely irrational. And maybe I am. But that does not change the fact that I do not like cars. And yet, I need to learn to drive one so that my poor husband no longer needs to chauffeur me around. This is my difficulty. Why, oh why did I not get my license when I was 16 and stupid and didn't have a husband and child?! Word to all those of you young people who live in big cities that have good public transportation systems, making cars virtually unnecessary: the day may come when you move out of the big city into a smaller city with no subway and no stores in walking distance, and you will need to be able to drive if you ever want to leave your block. So get your license when you are 16 or 17 and adventurous!
*Sorry if this title disturbs anyone. But this is how I think of cars.
*Sorry if this title disturbs anyone. But this is how I think of cars.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)