Well, here it is, 4:00 am, and I am up, sitting at the computer, adding a new blog entry. What, you might ask, am I doing wide awake in the wee hours of the morning? And where have I been for the past two weeks? No, there is not yet a screaming infant keeping me up at odd hours... although it is hoped that the cause of this morning's wakefulness will soon bring him into the world - in the past two weeks, I have had many a sleepless (or almost so) night brought about by the early pains of labour. Generally, I wake up in some degree of pain at 2 or 3 am, and the first thought to cross my mind is "Is this IT?" after which it is very difficult to fall back asleep because my mind starts racing, and counting, and eagerly hoping... eventually, fatigue forces me back to bed, and when I wake up in the morning, things have died down and I find myself disappointed again. This has been two weeks of increasing realization of the sins of distrust and pride working in my heart... every time the labour pains start, my hope and expectation rises, and every time they weaken and then cease, my immediate reaction is to become frustrated with God because He has once again not seen fit to answer my prayers for the speedy birth of this child.
For the first few days, I was subconsciously questioning whether God was even hearing my prayers... assuming that I knew when the best time would be for this child to arrive, I got frustrated and even downright angry when God didn't seem to agree with me. Some days seemed better than others - like the day after I had only managed to get 30 minutes of sleep all night, when I figured that God was being merciful in not allowing labour to commence when I was so exhausted to begin with. Or when I heard that one of the potential emergency caregivers for Susanna suspected that her daughter might have the chicken pox, and I felt spared from the possibility of exposing my newborn to the pox. Or when Nathan's boss informed him on Monday that they were going to give him an unexpected 2 days of paid vacation when the baby arrived - thank you Lord that I didn't have this baby before that when we might have had to take a financial hit for Nathan to be around those first few days... But really, this did not produce true trust in me - I could only "trust" if I saw some reasonable reason for God to have delayed an answer to my prayers.
As I moved into the second week of rising and falling hopes, I ceased to question God's hearing of my prayers and began to accuse Him of playing games with me... one particular day when I was feeling pretty discouraged, I began to pray that in His mercy, He might even bring about labour at that moment... around the same time, the contractions started up again, this time stronger than they had been previously. My first thought was, "Hey, maybe God is answering my prayer already", but no sooner was that thought had and I began to think, "You know, this is going to end up like all the other times... things will fizzle out and I'll still be waiting... how cruel of God to make a pretense of answering immediately..." And then when things
did die down, I felt justified in my accusation. How untrusting and wary of the Father's love and goodness I have been! How arrogant to think that I know what is best far better than Sovereign God! How faithless to call His sovereignty into question!
And yet, how faithful He has been, in the midst of my faithlessness, to show me His goodness even in the minor details like the ones I mentioned above, to
gently expose my sin, to call me to repentence, to grant me greater faith and the patience to wait for His good, pleasing and perfect will to be done! How faithfully He has continually shown me Scripture to convict and give hope:
"Refrain from anger and forsake wrath; fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land." (Ps. 37:8, 9)
"The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry... When the righteous cry for help the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." (Ps. 34: 15-18)
"Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love, that he may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let you steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you." (Ps. 33:20-22)
"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation... Awesome is God from his sanctuary, the God of Israel - he is the one who gives power and strength to his people. Blessed be God!" (Ps. 68: 19, 35)
"Bless our God, O peoples; let the sound of his praise be heard, who has kept our soul among the living and has not let our feet slip. For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs; you let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance." (Ps. 66:8-12)
"How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house, and you give them drink from the river of your delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light. Oh, continue your steadfast love to those who know you, and your righteousness to the upright of heart!" (Ps. 36:7-10)
I have also been reminded that the Cross must be much more precious to me than what birthdate God chooses for my child. It is so easy to get caught up in these light and momentary troubles and forget that not only these minor sufferings and pains, but even major, life-altering trials must not draw our attention away from the fact that regardless of how much life goes the way we planned, regardless of whether we get an "easy" life or a "difficult" one, God has given us the ultimate good gift in Christ Jesus. How can we doubt His love for us and faithfulness to us when He has been pleased to crush His own son for our iniquities, that we might be counted righteous in Christ even as doubters who rail against God for His supposed injustice to us?! Praise be to God for His indescribable mercy!
So here I am, at 5:15 now, still awake and yes, still hopeful that this will be IT, but even as my eagerness grows as the contractions grow closer together, my hope must not be in this being IT, but in the Father who delights to give good gifts to His children in His perfect timing, and if today is not the day, may I still go into it with rejoicing that He has kept my feet from slipping and saved me from His wrath by the precious blood of His son!
When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul
Though Satan should buffet, though trials shall come
Let this bless’d assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And has shed his own blood for my soul
My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole
Was nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul
- Horatio G Spafford
